I am having an affair with a married man?

I used to say that I would NEVER get involved with a married man. I thought the whole idea was disgusting that a woman would willingly tamper with someone else's marriage .

And now here I am. I am single. I am in the process of a divorce and am finally ending a marriage that has been over for quite a while now. And no neither of us ever cheated.

I met the man I am currently seeing online. We talked all the time for months before finally getting together. I knew he was married, but it didn't bother me too much because at the time I had no inclination to take the relationship to that level.

Needless to say, when we met the sexual tension was off the charts and eventually one thing led to another. Now we try to get together a couple of times a week and we still talk and chat just about daily. He has never talked negatively about his wife, only that they haven't been intimate in about a year. Plus this is not his first affair. I try hard not to bring up or ask questions about his home life.

My concern is this: Why don't I feel guilty? and Why don't I end this?

I mean the sex is phenomenal, we are both into challenging the other physically and trying new things. He is 10 years older than me but we share a lot of the same interests and ideas outside of the bedroom as well. Plus I keep telling myself that this is the perfect arrangement since I am not looking for a serious relationship as he does not have the option to become emotionally invested and neither can I since he obviously can't be trusted. well that and he is married! However, my 'perfect arrangement' is coming at the expense of his wife who may or may not suspect anything or may or may not care. I just can't seem to make myself feel sorry about what we are doing.

I am not sure what to do here. End it or not? I have never been in this situation nor did I ever think I would be. If I let this keep going what should I expect?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • So why would a married man stray away from his own wife and search for a mistress? He could be a total selfish ungrateful asshole, but those traits should be easy to spot. But more commonly a man’s relationship with his wife has deteriorated. They are just roommates and not lovers anymore; they don’t have quality time together; and they don’t have enjoyable conversations. I saw a married couple who actually had nice conversations and they helped with house work together, and they slept in the same bed, but the wife simply decided to never have sex again because she didn’t want it. Also in that case the wife damn near encouraged her husband to seek a mistress and she established her own “don’t ask don’t tell” policy with her husband! That may or may not be your man’s case. But needless to say if he has any descent character in him, something in his marriage is missing; otherwise he would have no need to search for a mistress. If he was the perfect husband he would solve these problems with his wife rather than ignore them and search for a mistress.

    Obviously you know you cannot have a respectful, fulfilling, loving, trusting, and long-term relationship with this man. And you are wondering why do you continue to have a relationship with him and why don’t you feel guilty? My guess is because he is providing you with something you most likely didn’t get from your future ex-husband: attention and affection. You want to continue your relationship because he gives you attention, you probably have nice conversations with him, and nice conversations always make any woman feel appreciated. You are not looking for a serious relationship, but at the same time you don’t feel lonely when he is around. And subconsciously you are thinking having his company is better than being lonely.

    You would probably feel guilty if your man talked about his wife and if he talked about his children (if he has any). But the two of you probably deliberately avoid mentioning them. Thus “out of sight, out of mind” (or in your case “out of ear, out of mind”) plays a role. When you are spending time with him, you are probably thinking about him instead of his other life. You possibly only think about his other life after he is gone which is too late. And once you see him again you only think about how glad you are too see him, and whatever reasons you have to hold yourself back disappear temporarily until he leaves.

    After some time passes you will realize that you want to have somebody you can trust. You will want somebody you can walk down the sidewalk, hold hands with, and go on dates with in public. You will want to wake up every morning next to somebody special. You will want to share a house or apartment. You will realize that your hidden relationship with him cannot achieve any of these things. Even though you might enjoy your time now, you will eventually realize that this relationship is unfulfilling because he is hidding you, and you will have to separate.

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    • So I only made suspicions on what I said above, was I mostly right? I chose my words carefully to leave room for doubt, but were my suspicions pretty close?

    • In a nutshell - you pretty much nailed the situation and my thoughts on it...

What Guys Said 5

  • Easy answers: Why don't you I guilty? Because you don't think you're doing anything wrong. Why don't I end this? Because you don't want to.

    Interesting answers:

    You're at the fun crossroads between what you want to do, what you should do, and what you've heard you're supposed to do. There are no answers here, just approaches. Here are some.

    What do you want to do? Keep the phenomenal sex? Keep your self-image? ("I used to say that I would NEVER get involved with a married man") Make yourself happy? Your lover? Your lover's wife?

    What should you do? Depends on what's important to you. You know well enough, though, that any choice you make involves some kind of loss. But you're a big girl, a smart girl; make your choice, take your loss, move forward. Dithering and moping is always a mistake, and loses you everything.

    What have you heard you're supposed to do? Who cares? It's all self-serving crap anyway. Ignore it.

    Finally, abandon any advice you hear--even from me--unless it aligns with what you want to get, and what you're prepared to lose for it.

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  • Ive been married 17 years and never cheated came close a couple times but from his point of view ican see why if your not getting what you need at home your definitely going window shopping. as long as you don't get pregnant I wouldn't worry but if you do that will make a hell of a mess

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  • My guess as to why you don't feel guilty. you don't know his wife personally. The person you are hurting is an abstraction at this point, not someone with a name and a face.

    It's difficult to cheat on your significant other. It's a lot easier to be the person with whom the cheater cheats.

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  • you are.

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  • sounds like it.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I don't have any words of wisdom. But you do realize that helping him cheat hurts his wife? No matter what you think of her? If they haven't been intimate in over a year, they clearly have some issues. Maybe she stopped when he started, know what I mean? And I think you don't feel guilty because you know they have issues, and you personally don't know her. But helping someone cheat makes you a low person, no matter what the spouse has done. I'm military and I see it happen over and over.

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  • So? what's the issue? Sounds good to me!

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    • I agree with I hedoniste all the way on this one, my thoughts exactly.

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