He's trapped, but I like him

I met this guy online. He was very sweet, but upfront saying that he was married, but unhappy. I said we could be friends, which he agreed.

We talked for a couple of months speaking about our lives. He told me that his wife suffered from depression and he had wanted to leave for years, but he loves his kids and with three kids plus alimony - he'd be looking at a ton of money.

I understand a man's love for his kids, but I cannot understand why someone would remain in such an unhappy relationship.

After talking for a few months, he asked me to 'friendly dinner' which I accepted. One thing lead to another and, yes, we started an affair.

Not something I am proud of.

Watching him and being around him I can tell that he is neglected in his relationship. Not just physically but emotionally as well.

I heard him on the phone with her - as soon as he said "hello?" she started yelling about an empty box that hadn't been moved out of the garage. This is just one of many things I have observed, and we have only been seeing each other two weeks.

We have spoken at length about his situation. He feels as though he would be abandoning his kids if he left. "Family is important to me." I said "But what kind of family do you have? You are lying to them and yourself."

I am not making up excuses for what I am doing. Nor am I looking for someone to take my side. I am just curious as to why a man would remain in an unhappy situation for his kids.

Updates:
I broke it off today. I told him I deserved better. I said really mean, hurtful things. It actually doesn't bother me or break my heart as much as you'd think. I'm just disappointed in myself. I honestly believed him.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • My parents were divorced when I was in the sixth grade, and right after it was final and I was moving out with my brother to live with my father. My father mentioned he had a girlfriend, and needless to say that pissed me off.

    It wasn't so much that there would be another person, whom he eventually married, but that because of the split any new comer was pretty much considered part of the problem.

    There is no right way to proceed so that you can end up with this man. You can argue that I lack experience because of my youth, but I already know there's no way a course of action that would make him choose you over his kids would be remotely acceptable. To force someone to make that decision is really selfish. If you two somehow managed to get together you would most likely want kids one day, so consider some thing.

    Would he want more kids after leaving those he had with his wife?

    What's to stop him from leaving you if and when you hit a stressful patch?

    Whats to say you're feelings will stay the same when the man you knew you couldn't really have is all of a sudden on your doorstep?

    I don't want it to seem that I've made an opinion about you, it wouldn't be fair. Just take extra time to think about it seriously.

    It wouldn't be horrible for him to divorce his wife, but it can't be because of you. Sometimes relationships don't work. In some cases it might actually be better for the kids if the parents finally call it quits rather then let festering emotions eat at them.

    Let the man have some time to breathe, maybe you should focus your attention on more immediate concerns about yourself. Keep yourself on track in your life while you guys take a break.

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    • What's to say your feelings will stay the same when the man you knew you couldn't really have is all of a sudden on your doorstep?

      Really good question...

What Guys Said 5

  • Think about how unhappy his wife makes him. If he tries to leave her, she'll almost certainly get the kids and he'll either lose custody entirely or have extremely limited availability to them. And then think about how unhappy she'll make his kids, if she doesn't turn them against him entirely.

    Break it off. It will hurt both but staying together with this hanging over the relationship will only hurt you more and when his wife finds out (and she will find out), he'll lose his kids forever. You know, along with half of everything he has and everything he will ever have.

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  • I don't have personal experience with this but from what I understand, a parent's bond with their kids is incredibly strong and they will do anything for them. You are still in the stage of your life where it's fine to be selfish and do what you want and that's why you can't understand that he believes his kids need him there. He isn't only looking out for his and your best interests. He has other responsibilities.

    You have responsibilities too. You have to break it off. It is very wrong to come between a family like that. I hope when you grow up and get married your husband has the decency and respect for you to not go sleep with other girls he met on the internet cause I guarantee that you nag him about stupid things like boxes too. Its just what happens when you get married.

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  • You must break this affair off; it's destructive to both of you. And you are the homewrecker in this one. Lets say, he leaves his wife for you, and you marry him. How could you ever be sure he wouldn't do the same thing to you if things got tough between you? If he cheated on his wife once, he could do it again. And he probably would. Once you do it, you can rationalize doing it again! There's no excuse for crossing that line. None! "For better or worse......remember those marriage vows!" Maybe later on down the road, if he divorces her after you break it off, you can try dating and rekindle what you are feeling. But not now. You are too close to the problem in his marriage to go forward in a relationship now!

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  • How certain are you that his wife isn't miserable because she's married to him? Women generally start off sweet and change when they aren't treated well (the whole, if I can't matter to you in a positive way I'll matter in a negative way?). That emotional neglect may be the product of his own failings.

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  • Don't be too hard on yourself for believing him. I'd think he was telling the truth as he felt it at the moment (if he was saying he wished things were a certain way so he could be with you). Life's complicated.

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What Girls Said 2

  • If you have kids you would know they are everything to their parents. kids mean the world and a divorce seriously affects them. If you cared about him at all you would understand his love and respect that love for his children. Now you said he has been with this woman for years and has children with her do not be fooled hunny she may nag and guess what that his her right you do not know what goes on between them at all. You only know his side he loves her that is apparent you are just a temporary way out and he will not leave her you should know that. He may be unhappy with her at the moment but that happens when you have been with someone so long you should get out of this while you can your not only making his situation worse but your disrespecting an entire family. How would you feel if you were in HER shoes?? If you really care break it off cause you are going to get hurt in the end I realize you have feelings for him and he made his own decisions I am not blaming you but you need to be the bigger person he obviously is in no state to make the right choice. Tell him to work things out with his wife and encourage him to get help with that if need be. But do not get anymore involved make a clean break do the right thing.

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  • The hurtful things you said will only make you feel that way about yourself but it is a good thing you broke it off girl you can get things together inside yourself and find someone for you!

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