The 'try before you buy' attitude?

OK. I'm basically asking people's views on sex before marriage.

On the one hand I kind of get the whole 'try before you buy' kinda thing because I guess it if sucks, you're stuck with that for as long as you're married.

But, if you'd never had sex before then how would you know it was bad - if that even makes sense. You sort of wouldn't be able to compare would you?

So, answers appreciated (;

Updates:
Wow, thanks for all the responses you guys (; I came back after a day trip to find 55 new answers! But now, best answer. Hmm... +1s all round at any rate :D

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Most Helpful Guy

  • There are two schools of thought, and you can be in one or the other, but not pick and choose.

    One is that men and women are fundamentally compatible, that if you get married, you become one, you give yourself fully to your partner, and you try your best to meet their needs, while you do the same.

    The other is that you only do what you like and enjoy and find someone else who likes and enjoys what you do, that you need to be compatible.

    You can hold either of these views, but if your view is 'I'll find someone and then hope we're compatible', this doesn't make sense. If you wait till marriage, and then discover your husband loves anal, or has a fetish, are you going to happily and lovingly do what he wants multiple times a week? And will he do what you want in the same way? If you can both answer yes, truthfully, then you could wait.

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    • you can always have a preliminary interview. having a preference for anal & having awkward sex in need of practice, are entirely different issues.

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    • That's just it. They don't Really know for sure what they want.

      What is one of the best ways to learn things in this world? From other people. If you've only spoken with and listened to one person your whole life, chances are you'll be quite bland and boring. Variety is the spice of life.

    • I want to stress for those waiting for marriage that I think that CAN work, I just think a lot of those waiting are not really thinking through what their partner's needs MIGHT be and if they are really comfortable with that. I think they ALSO need to be realistic about how they will actually handle libido mismatches and if their theory will hold up or if they will feel resentful.

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What Guys Said 13

  • I agree, and might even use that term from now on lol. Sexual compatibility is just another level to a relationship. While it's not like an "all or nothing" kind of deal, and you can adapt to please each other, there is still a type of connection or whatnot when it comes to sex. Maybe what gets you off is not enjoyable at all for your partner, and vice versa. Or maybe you're a "freak between the sheets" and your partner is a stage away from being abstinent. Sex is another one of those things that makes us happy in relationships, so make it good I say.

    Also, sex is something you do with someone you really care for. I'm not religious, so saving it for one person doesn't mean anything to me. I will save it for those I think are worth the time and intimacy, so that means that in a relationship (or less if I'm feeling up for it and in a fun, carefree mood) I'm going to have sex if I feel like she's worth it and if it's something I want to do with her.

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  • The process of falling for someone or falling in love has a lot to do with the sexual connection for me. I would never get married to someone if we had never had sex.

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  • everyone can get better at having sex. So if you have one partner all your life the quality of sex can still improve. Practice makes perfect if your willing to learn from your partner.

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    • Everyone CAN get better at sex, but that doesn't mean that everyone is willing to. And sometimes it isn't necessarily that the person is bad at sex, but you may be incompatible in various aspects of sex.

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    • yep totally agree here. Don't marry some who's stupid. lol

    • *someone. :P

  • If you like genuinely like someone, there is sexual tension, if there is sexual tension, there is compatibility. You know if you're with the right person or not.

    As far as I'm concerned, most people just use the "try before you buy" excuse to get a little action... Waiting until marriage isn't really an issue like people play it out to be, IMO.

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  • Disclaimer: I am waiting for marriage. If someone were to tell me "sex is good", I would say "I most certainly believe you". However, I wouldn't just want to have sex with someone I have not already committed myself to for the rest of my life.

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  • Sex is amazing. I don't regret having sex with any of the people I've been with.

    Some people here will tell you it's wrong to have sex before marriage, though if you do this, I promise you, that you will miss out on so much in life.

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  • You can tell your first time if the sex is bad.

    In this case, ignorance is Not bliss.

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  • Honestly, I just got out my 1st relationship were I had sex and yeah, you basically wouldn't know or tell if it was bad unless your partner was crappy (like didn't have enough stamania, doesn't like a certain position or wasn't good at the position).

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  • you wouldn't KNOW it was bad but you'd not enjoy it as much so you'd still be less satisfied than if you got to know the full picture before you chose, even if you don't know it :)

    And besides unless you're religious I don't see much reason not to have safe sex before marriage as long as you have a plan for what you would do if there was a pregnancy. :)

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  • Premarital sex is wrong.

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    • There isn't any logical deduction for his opinion, that's the point.

    • It is a sin in my religion. I believe it is wrong but if you disagree I won't stop you

  • Anyone who thinks that they are 'stuck' with a crappy partner and that their partner is the reason the sex is crappy, is probably not as good in the sack as they think.

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  • There's a direct correlation between the increase in sex before marriage and the increase in the divorce rate.

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    • Really? That sounds a bit, I don't know, er, wrong.

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    • It's going to get boring whether they wait or not, if it's with the wrong person.

      People are rushing into Marriage. Not sex.

    • But even if it's the right person, rushing into sex will cause the intimacy aspect to grow dull over time.

      Another way we know that people rushing into sex is screwing things up is the teen pregnancy epidemic.

What Girls Said 12

  • Well, you can know that sex is bad even if you don't have anything to compare it to.

    For example:

    1. You can tell if your partner is selfish, doesn't like doing things that you would like them to do, or expects you to do things that you don't like to do.

    2. You can tell if you and your partner have different preferences, fetishes, etc.

    3. You can tell if your partner doesn't enjoy sex, or has a lower or higher sex drive than you.

    4. You can tell if your partner refuses to communicate about sex or isn't willing to put in the effort to become a good lover.

    5. You can tell if your genitalia aren't a good fit for one another.

    Etc.

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    • AGREED +1

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    • THIS. This exactly, lol. Sexual chemistry is so important in any long-term relationship, marriage or otherwise.

    • Talk is cheap. You can't tell unless you Actually Have Sex With Them. I have a feeling the majority of people answering on here have had No or very little sex life.

      I've had sex with multiple girls. I've slept with girls that were quiet in conversation yet Amazing in bed. I've slept with girls that were Crazy in conversation and Suuuucked in bed. It's hard to tell.

      Confidence Is however, Very important to a healthy - and sexy - sex life.

  • if you are in a committed long relationship sex can get you only closer to each other so I think sex before marriage is fine. But then again I'm a liberal. It depends on how you look at certain things.

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  • What if I don't get married? Does that mean I don't get laid?

    No thanks. I like sex too much to risk that.

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  • The problem with that is some people just try and don't buy no matter what the case. Watch out for those people.

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  • i believe sex is a gift from God to married couples.

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    • good point. and we have abused that so much. and that is why we are a society of people who are never fully happy sexually. everybody is cheating and dependent on p*rn and yes the divorce rate is at a record high and will only get higher. if we brought it back to where it belongs then I would be willing to bet that things would go back to the way they used to be. hate if you want but all the problems related to sex are at an all time high and the good things at an all time low.

    • yep. I agree.

  • I believe in being classy and waiting for the right person. This doesn't mean waiting until marriage though. I'd always use some sort of protection before marriage because I don't want a baby with someone that I could possibly not marry.

    And I assume I'd know if someone was bad the first time I had sex. The first time I french kissed someone I knew he was bad. (I guess that's what I get for 'fooling around' with a guy...)

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  • Honestly? You can tell. The first guy I fooled around with was just awful at anything remotely sexual -- I liked him intellectually and emotionally, but physically we just didn't jibe.We basically did everything but sex because I just couldn't see myself enjoying it with him. And yeah that was a let down, but I thought I could get over it until I realized this was unfair to both of us -- it got to the point where I'd avoid him when he tried to do anything, he'd feel rejected, and downward spiral we'd go. No fun at all.

    In comparison the guy I'm with now is amazing. He just does it for me and there are things I thought I'd never do sexually or intimately with anyone because of how turned off I'd been with guy number one that I find myself craving with my current guy. Who'd of figured the girl that everyone swore up and down to be asexual because she didn't date and REALLY liked her personal space, would want to sleep in someones arms all night long?

    Bottom line? I waited 20 years to have sex, and I had it with someone that I cared for and trusted -- before marriage. I don't know how long this will last and I don't know if I'll click this well with someone else again, if we decide to go our separate ways when I go to grad abroad. But, I knew I wanted my first time to be with him, so I did and I'm glad. I think sex is a very intimate and special act I don't go romping around with just anyone, but I don't think it's inherently wrong to have sex. For me it's one way I connect with someone on a deeper level. So, I think I'd need to have sex with someone before I married them, I'd also prefer to live with them before marriage due to past experiences with roommates. If it matters I'm not religious so I didn't really see any reason to wait besides waiting for myself to be ready.

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  • as a virgin you wouldn't know it was bad but on the flip side of the same coin if it feels good then who's to say it was bad most girls don't experience frequent orgasms anyway; however, sex is not the reason for marriage and it only takes up a small portion of your life regardless of how good or bad it is. this comes down to a personal choice are you a save your self kind of person or not? none of the advice or opinions you get here are going to change how you view this intimate aspect of your life it is a choice you and only you can make for yourself. if your asking what I personally did I tried before I bought and then went shopping else where; however, I've been having sex for fun since I was 13 and while I DID get married it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life (never do that again) so as far as I'm concerned shop around have fun then when you find your "the one" it won't matter if you saved yourself or not because he will love you regardless.

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    • Women have the capacity to experience multiple orgasms in one sitting. You could compare female sexuality to the energizer bunny, they can keep going and going and going... It's so sad that a lot of women live thinking they're inorgasmic. It's usually psychological and not a physical problem. Or they don't understand their anatomy. Plus a lot of women believe the orgasms they are having are not orgasms because they're comparing them to the male model of an orgasm -- one big release.

    • The problem is that society kinda frowns upon female sexuality, and so women generally do not masturbate like men do in their early youth (although women are having sex now at much younger ages, masturbation is still slightly taboo for girls). I think I might have a less screwed up sex life if my first sexual partner had been myself :P

  • I would rather have sex AFTER marriage, just because I don't want to get pregnant out of wedlock if that accidently happens. I would bring shame on myself (I guess integrity) and feel like I wasn't doing something right (feels more right to me in the world that it should be husband and wife then a kid) and also my parents and my religion would go against being pregnant before marriage. I only had sex with 1 guy and it was accidently (he raped me) before marriage, and I cried and he had me take the morning after pill, and well... we got married right away which is good. And luckily I was not pregnant. We've been married over a year and a half now and thank God I'm still not pregnant. I'm not sure I want to have kids with him, but I'm glad I am married to him in case I do have a kid I know I'm married and won't bring shame on myself...

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    • I'm sorry if this offends you but first of all why would you marry a guy who raped you or am I reading this wrong? Also I had sex and had a baby before marraige and I'm the happiest I've ever been sure I have my bad days but who doesn't and yes it does go against my religion but I find the bible contradicts itself alot.

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    • so a guy raped you and so you married him? epic fail.

    • well at least he married me.

      Not sure about the whole "does he love me or does he want me just for sex" thing.

  • i'm a virgin but I don't want to get married to a man and find out I'm not pleased by the sex. I wanna have a good sex life with him.

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  • I've only had sex with one person, and I knew it was bad. Not having anyone to compare to means nothing. As long as you have some knowledge of sex before you have it, you'll know whether it's good or not.

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    • P.S. We dated for over a year with constant work on our sex life. It only got a tiny bit better. I can't imagine getting married now before having sex. If I had been locked down first and THEN found out he and I were not a good match sexually, I would've gone into depression I think.

    • @'ve only had sex with one person, and I knew it was bad.

      AGREEEEEED, +1

  • I don't believe in sex after marriage, I believe in sex with the right person. I don't think anyone should sleep around, but I think if you're in a committed relationship with someone you can see a future with, it's OK to have sex with them, because sex can bring 2 people closer together

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    • No sex after marriage? So once you say "I do", the sex should end?

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    • future? as in what?

    • haha no sex after marriage...so what would be the benefit of marrying you? you better have one hell of a personality, can cook like paula deen, and be rich as hell.

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