Would you stay? Or would you leave?

My boyfriend and I met at work. He chased me for about a year before I finally started going out with him. But once we started dating it was like fireworks. Everything was amazing. Every day was amazing. Our days flew by.

We never had a fight. It's not that we never disagreed or never had our feelings hurt... we just both respect each others' feelings too much to hurt each other. We've always just talked things through when challenges came our way. I know that a lot of people believe that fighting is necessary and healthy. I would argue that disagreeing and making mistakes is normal & healthy, but that talking things through civilly accomplishes a lot more than a fight would.

We had a lot of fun together and everyday it got better and better.

Then he had to leave. His job as a postdoc was coming to an end, and he joined a company in another state. His leave was really painful for both of us, and there was a minute where we discussed possibly breaking up, but no matter how hard we tried at breaking up, we just kept getting back together. So finally we decided to try long distance. And that’s what we have been doing every day since. In the last year, he has gone on four family vacations with my daughter and I. He has been constantly supportive and kind. We still haven’t had a fight. I don’t get jealous, and neither does he. But we want to be together.

So last spring my boyfriend proposed (we get married next July!) and we had a talk with my ex about the possibility of my daughter and I moving out to be with him. Please understand that my ex left my daughter was she was only 6 months old and hasn’t been a constant fixture in her life. She is closer to her new stepmother than her father. And the visitation schedule I put on the table gave him more time with his daughter than he has now. But he still said that even if we fly her out every weekend, it is not open to discussion.

Then my ex took me to court to take away my weekend with my daughter. As it stands, I have her every Sat, he has her Sun… basically he wants to take every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Once he took me to court anyway, it didn’t make sense for me to stay in the state to keep the peace between us, so I decided to ask the court for permission to live with my boyfriend.

We should get the court’s decision pretty soon, and I am really scared. If my ex gets what he wants, I will be saddled with $30,000 in debt, I won’t be able to see my daughter on the weekend, and it will be another 2-3 years until my boyfriend can return to be with me. And before you start saying “they won’t do that” please understand that the courts HAVE done this before. It is a very real possibility.

My question is this: if you were dating a girl whose life was such a horrible mess, would you give up a high paying job to come back to her? Or would you be gone for good?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Maybe you work long distance, etc.

    Flying to see each other every weekend might be financially more responsible then slowing down his career.

    If you two are getting married, you need to be thinking about the next 40 years, not just the next 40 months.

    If you love each other, you can work it out.

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    • When the court rules on our case, it will give us an answer for the next 40 years. If I am not allowed to leave the state, they will never let me leave the state until my daughter is emancipated. If we are allowed to move, after 6months the state we are living in would have jurisdiction over our case... so basically it would be a huge hassle for my ex to try and ruin my life because he would need to fly out of state to fight me in court.

    • Also, in his chosen career, it is pretty much expected that you will have to relocate every few years, so if he chooses to say with me, it is pretty much the death of his career. There really isn't a way around that.

    • Good luck with the court.

      See what happens beyond that.

      If your new partner is making a lot of money soon ... well that could help in a legal war with your ex.

What Guys Said 1

  • If I proposed to a girl, I would mean it. So I wouldn't worry about that. He means to be with you, and it'll mean either having to wait a little until finances are figured out, or he'll find something to do to be with you. Somehow it will work out. =)

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What Girls Said 2

  • Did you talk to him about it? I think he will make it work somehow. I would probably leave and move in with my boyfriend..who proposed to me. True Love is VERY HARD to find these days. :/

    But, why don't you talk to your boyfriend? And, see what he has to say. IF he loves you, then he will make it work. Good luck. And, best wishes xx

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    • He says no matter what happens, we will face it together. And I don't doubt that he means it. I just don't know that when he is faced with the real challenges of living in poverty and living with a spiteful ex in the picture, he will still want to be with me. I can't help but feel like any woman would be lucky to be with him, and that eventually he will realize that too.

    • I think you have NOTHING to worry about!

  • how can you leave if you have a daughter, or does she live with your ex, or is she coming with u? I dint know what you asked the judge permission for?

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    • I have sole physical and legal custody of my daughter. But no one is allowed to move out of state if they have had a child, without the court's permission. I asked for the judge's permission to let me and my daughter move to be with my fiance.

    • how would she see her dad-oh fly?

    • I would fly with her very month to see her dad for four days at a time, and he would get her for pretty much all the holidays. When all is said and done, he would end up seeing her more than he does now.

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