My boyfriend finally proposed after 5 years!
It's come out now that he doesn't really believe in marriage just thinks its a social pressure and only proposed because he knows I want to be married before I have kids. Being married doesn't really change anything in his mind. This all kind of depresses me - maybe it's just an emotional time for me but getting married to someone who doesn't believe in marriage isn't that like going to church with an athiest? - what's the point? Or should I be grateful that I have a boyfriend who is willing to get married to make me happy? Feeling very confused ... any insights appreciated...
Most Helpful Girl
Have you talked to him in detail about how he feels about marriage/why he doesn't believe in it? If not, you definitely should so that you can have a better understanding of where he's coming from.
Personally, I see marriage as unnecessary. Why do people generally get married? I think for a lot of people, it's about commitment. You're making a promise to each other that you're going to commit to each other and spend the rest of your lives together. But really, is marriage necessary for that? Does it actually mean that you will spend your lives together? Many people get married and then cheat on each other or get a divorce. Many others never get married, but spend their lives together and are completely faithful and committed. It's very possible to make that promise to each other without getting married.
That said, I'm not necessarily against marriage. I would be willing to have a wedding ceremony, because to me, a ceremony would be about making the promise that my partner and I have already made to each other public. We'd be making that promise in front of our loved ones and asking them to support us in it. In turn, the people present at our wedding would be sharing in our promise and basically saying, "We are recognizing the promise you're making to each other and will support you in it."
I suggest taking some time to really consider why it is that you want to get married, ignoring any social pressures you may feel to get married (because let's be honest, your boyfriend is right in that there is social pressure to do so). What do you expect will change within your relationship if you get married? Is marriage necessary for what you want out of your relationship? I noticed that you said you "want to be married before you have kids". Why? Is it because it's a social expectation to be married before you have children? Do you think marriage will mean that your partner won't leave sometime after you have children? (Even within the context of marriage, there's no guarantee of that). Are you worried about what other people would think?). Perhaps you'll find that your own goals for your relationship aren't that different from your boyfriend's, you just have a different view on what's necessary for those goals to be met.
My guess is that your boyfriend's views might be similar to mine in the sense that he doesn't see it as necessary, but isn't set against it. He loves you and he wants to make you happy, so he's willing to do what it takes to make you happy and give you what you need/want. I would take that as a positive thing.1