Married just a piece of paper?

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and have been together as a serious couple 2 years. Before we moved in together my boyfriend asked me "would I ever marry him". I really do love him but am having trouble understanding a guys viewpoint on this. He is not very good with expressing emotions and I believe that this could be a sign of fear and/or selfishness but when I brought up marriage recently before the holidays and said maybe we should do it next year he said "marriage is just a piece of paper to me, we can do it whenever you want". This was extremely distressing to me as this was not his attitude of marriage when we moved in together or if it was he was hiding it from me. I get a sense that he is basically saying I don't care about marrying YOU and it has taken a toll on my self-esteem as his partner and deeply hurt me. We are basically financially dependent on each other now co-habitating but I am hurting and my love for him is mixed with disappointment and fear now. I would like to know what everyone thinks about this. Some "guy" feedback would be great too:) thank you


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is definitely a sticky subject. I don't really care for the "it's just a piece of paper" deal. Why waver so much? If you are already going through all this with him, why don't you marry? Where's the love if there isn't any "true" commitment? I know that you two love each other enough to get married, I'm not doubting that at all. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to be judgemental. Don't you want something solid to be assured that he loves you? Since you two love each other so much, why would you waste time any longer? Please, try to see where I'm coming from, since you asked for some guy feedback.

    I don't think he meant what he said and he for sure didn't mean for you to take it that way. His comment though, especially when he said, "we can do it whenever you want" it just seemed to me like he had a care-free attitude about it. Getting married is a huge deal, and he made it seem like it wasn't, like he just blew it off. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to seem that way, but it just seemed like it didn't have much value attached to it. I'm sure that's not how he feels, but he definitely could've done a better job of phrasing it. Talk to him more, I'm sure you will.

    Don't know if I helped any, let me know. =)

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What Guys Said 3

  • Nearly every civilization in human history in one form or another has always had a way to signify the union of man and woman as having a place of value within a given culture.. That has been effectively destroyed by factors beyond our control. The nay's outweight the yea's and this is going to get interesting as events unfold as people who have instinctive desires try to cope with the changing norms within our world. Interesting and all so bittersweet. -j

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  • Maybe your instincts are right. He probably is doubting things...but that doesn't necessarily mean he may be doubting your relationship or you, but just the big "M" word which does tend to scare many guys. Maybe he brought it up at the beginning to get a feel for how serious you were about the relationship. Would suggest if marriage is something you really want then to talk to him about it more. Other things to consider are has he been married before? Are his parents divorced? Children? These all could have influences on him either consiously or subconciously. I would not start doubting your relationship though over his response...but you should talk to him about it more and you may get a better idea of what he wants for the future.

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  • "Marriage is just a piece of paper"

    What he means is that he's already married to you...in his heart

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What Girls Said 5

  • I don't think it means he doesn't care about marrying you. Marriage is just the law saying you can't be with anyone else, as he said, it's just paper. I think he's saying he's committed to you whether you have the certificate to prove it or not. He'll marry you to make you happy, because marriage is something you value, but he on the other hand would be happy just being with you. I would try talking to him about what he meant. You will never really know what he means unless you ask. I hope that helps.

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  • Well..I totally feel you on being disappointed, especially if he brought up marriage once and now when you guys talk about he acts like it's not a big deal anymore. I can agree with Arfoo, who was the first person to answer. He said that he is married to you, but in his heart. This can be very true. But of course there's the part where like you said, he might not want to marry YOU exactly. It's a complicated case. But the best you can do is talk to him straight up. Tell him how you feel. It's better to be open about feelings then keeping secrets from each other. Good Luck :)

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  • I understand how that could hurt you, but I think you could possibly be taking it the wrong way. I have to say I somewhat agree with his statement. I am engaged now, but I really don't feel as though I am anymore committed than I was previously. What I mean is, no matter what title is put on my guy, whether it be boyfriend, fiance, or husband, I am going to love, care, and support him the same amount that I do now. The marriage thing to me is just a way of being able to have a celebration of our love with our friends and family. Therefore, if my fiance came home from work today and said tomorrow lets go to the courthouse and sign some papers, I would do it. It wouldn't matter to me.

    He probably just feels as though you might as well already be married now.

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  • You need to talk to him and tell him exactly what you said here. This is too important not too! Better to deal with it now then later. The longer a relationship goes on, the harder it is to untangle yourself if you both don't want the same thing. I wouldn't move in with someone unless I was 99% sure I'd marry them.

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  • he's cheap & can't afford a wedding

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