Confirmed Bachelor

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now, and he really is a wonderful guy, I know he adores me and my daughter, and things are going great for us. I don't want to get married *right now* but I do see him as the man I want to eventually marry and share a life with.

Hes always talking about the future and includes all of us in his plans, but in a way that has really been bugging me. His ideal is to get a nicer condo for himself, and he wants to buy a house for my daughter and I close by him so that we can see and spend more time together. He figures by the end of the year, he wil be able to do this, and wants to take me to the area he's been looking at for houses to see what I think.

It really got to me, that he doesn't see us together..as in moving towards marraige. His vision is of us still living seperately. The more he talked about it, the more upset I got..and I ended up getting really upset and in tears saying how I don't understand how he can say he loves being a part of my family, and enjoys being with us, but has no desire, or goal for us to all be together. I told him I'm tired of being alone, and he said I'm not alone, and he's in this for the long haul...but we don't have to live together or get married for that.

He said he really likes how things are going with us...how its perfect and he doesn't want to change that, and that between his work schedule and mine, its better off if we don't plan on living together, and started in on how great it would be...if I have my house, and he could stay over during the week sometimes, and then his condo could be like my get away on the weekends,etc. I still don't like it.

Like I said, I don't want to get married *right now* but knowing his idea for the future is limited to us living seperately drives me nuts. I don't like the limitation. I know he's worried about ending up like his parents...his mom has been married like 5 times, and though his dad is still married to the same woman for a long while now, he doesn't see how he could possibly be truly happy.

Anyway, I'm really at a loss here. He's an amazing guy in every way...and he tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me, but this bothers me so much. He's very serious about his plan to buy a house for me, and swears that that alone should show me how much he does love me and takes our relationship seriously...but, I'm not with him to get a house...I want to actually have a life with him, not be something on the side of his life.

I really need some insight or hope or advice on how to to encourage him to want more for us than he does. Cause it really does have me thinking...as much as I love him, as wonderful as he is to my daughter and I...I can't say I will ever be happy if the years keep going by and he maintains never wanting to live with us as a family.

Updates:
For clarity...I don't want us to just live together. Exactly as I said, I see his as the man Id marry,but he doesn't want us to end up like his parents..so he's more comfortable with things exactly as they are with us living separate lives.
Any genuine advice about his fear of marriage cause he doesn't want to end up with his parents would really be appreciated. Thanks!
Haha! not with his parents...*like* his parents! He doesn't want to end up like his parents...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I agree with your boyfriend. Buying a house for you might be a way he shows his love. I have studied over and over how living with someone before marriage NEVER works. You are practically doomed (statistically) from the get-go. So, in my opinion, it is a good thing you two are living separetely, but close, since you are not married. Maybe he is not at a point where he wants/can get married, like if he is occupied in a job or something. I think he is sweet; telling you how lucky HE is to have YOU and buying you a house. I would be grateful. I understand that you want to have alife w/him and you do already. Heck he wouldn't buy you a freaking house, tell you how lucky he is, or cater to you and your daughter if he didn't love you! I would be thankful. Why don't you talk to him about what he sees for yalls future. If his future doesn't match up to your view then maybe move on. Maybe the reason his parents had failed marriages was because they cohabited and he doesn't want you two to end up like that. If he always talks about you in his future plans, then what is the problem? I mean if he didn't I could see why you would be mad, but who cares if you aren't living in the same house? Be thankful, because most relationships end when this happens and plus it will make it more special when you two see e/o. I think he sounds like a nice, amazing guy esp. since he talks about YOU in his future, buying YOU a house, complementing YOU, etc. He seems like he is truly devoted to you. If you love him you would respect his decisions and since you said yourself you see yourself marrying him then eventually you will get your wish of living with him. I mean after all he did say he would stay over during the week and you at his on the weekends, so it would kindof be like living together. If he didn't like you/love you/care for you he wouldn't even suggest this. Most guys never even make it this far. So I would suck it up and be happy.

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    • I don't want to live with him before marriage...thats not even an issue here. Like I said, he has no plans or desire to give up his lifestyle as a bachelor or include me as a part of his life. Being a guest in each others homes, and going to bed alone most nights because he'd rather be alone than with me is not like practically living together or practically being married.

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    • I understand I really think you need to talk to him. Seriously talk to him. Hope I helped. Best of luck to you!

    • Thanks so much...I really appreciate your candid and honest replies...and yes, you did help a lot! =)

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