My fiance broke if off with me and I don't understand why

Hi,

my boyfriend and fiance of 8 years broke up with me one month ago. He's the type that never talks about feelings, but also the guy that always showed me in every other way how much he loved me. Well, the thing is: I always trusted him, and therefore I never really thought through the fact that he had my password to e-mails, facebook etc.

Well, because of his not-talking-about-feelings, I have had my doubts about how much he really cares, and because of this I have been emotionally connected with a few guys during the last 5 years... And how much I regret this!! I was always very (too!) honest with him, and told him that I met these guys and that we only talked. Which was the truth, but still. He always said it was totally fine with him, and that I should just keep on seeing them. Don't know how I could possibly thing he was telling the truth, but I kept on seeing them, and I guess, kept on hurting him. He took him 2 years to tell me that he was hurt by this.

We got engaged in March, and I promised him that I was finished with all these "stories" about different men entering my life. In November I started working with a guy who obviously was flirting with me. I NEVER wanted anything from him, but I had a lot of conversations about him over facebook with another friends of mine. We discussed every step he made in detail. You must be judging me when reading this, but please keep in mind that it is not that easy to be in a relationship with someone who can't tell me that he his even a tiny bit jealous and tells me that everything is very very fine with him.

Ok, so my question is: 1) Could he have read my messages? Although he's always told me that he would never access any of my e-mail etc accounts? 2) Could it be that he has broken up with me because of this, without telling me his reasons? He tells me that he "hasn't felt like himself for the last years" and that "you have had too much control over me". 3) If this is the case, is there anything I can do? I love him with all my heart, and would do anything to have him in my life.

At time being I try to give him some space and time, but we keep in touch through e-mails and a phone call now and then, but he seems very cold. When reading his e-mails, it's like we have never been together. They are nice, and he tells me a lot about what's going on in his life, but they are stripped of feelings. Shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but it still does.

Guys, please help me understand him!

Updates:
With his emotional distance I mean the following: He acts with anger if anything. The first couple of years he could be somewhat physical. Never anything really awful, but I had to sit down with him once and explain him why this was so wrong.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't see what you did wrong. Granted setting up emotional relationships with other guys is harmful to a relationship, but if that happened because he was too distant then he put himself in a position to fail.

    Did you have any kind of sexual thing with these guys? If not then I think you're in the clear as far as that goes. If you complained about lack of positive emotion from him and he didn't fully engage himself in the relationship after that, then it's not surprising to me that you would look for comfort and affirmation elsewhere. I think there is a big difference between talking to someone for support and not being able to keep your pants on.

    If you're in the clear then I think what needs to happen for the relationship to work is for him to learn to value you and to express himself. You can't be the man and the woman in the relationship. He has to participate. That you involved others to keep yourself okay emotionally in order to stick with him is not, in my opinion, a horrible thing.

    I think you should stop blaming yourself for being a human with emotional needs. Make it clear that you have feelings too and the only way you two work is if he cares about those enough to do what's hard for him. If he can't do that, then the relationship is doomed anyway.

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    • I guess you're right. But as I now see that this might have been our biggest issue - and maybe even the one that made him leave, I just wish I could have seen this more clearly. Trusted his love. You know, he even tattoo'd my name on his arm...

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    • He just reacted with distance... Or maybe not even that. I recall him acting as though everything was normal. As I recall, he was a bit more angry with me...

    • Angry (within reason) is better since there's emotion there. Ultimately he has to learn how to water the positive side of his and your emotions.

What Guys Said 6

  • I agree with Lesae. I think everyone should be accountable for their actions.

    He should have told you how he felt. He may have not said it, but he did show you. After a period in the relationship you knew how he was and what you were dealing with in the long haul. If you felt the need to look elsewhere for an emotional relationship with other guys, you should have told him how you felt, and if he didn't respond leave him.

    Regardless of how he acted, you choose to be with him. You also choose to have emotional relationships with other men (alot of women consider this just as bad as cheating if a man does it with another woman). And he gave you the option to do what you really wanted, and you choose to keep seeing them. At any time you could have said I know you said to keep seeing them, but I don't, I want to see you (and stopped).

    Why should he tell you he is jealous? You know having emotional relationships with other men is harmful. He shouldn't have to tell you something that really is known to be harmful to relationships.

    I am not saying this to judge you. Being honest with yourself good or bad and talking with others about it is how we learn and grow. We all make mistakes and should learn from them and hopefully forgive ourselves and move on. He needs a woman who doesn't look outside for emotional relationships and the other things he mentioned, and perhaps you need a man who tells you more often how he feels.

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  • The more I think about this the more I think it's salvagable. Tell him you want him to feel like himself at all times and you want to work with him to help solve our problems. Say 8 years is along time and you both have overcome hard times before, and if you work together you can overcome this. Tell him you love him and want to make him happy and you want to give him what he wants in the relationship. Tell him you personally would like him to say how he feels more and take control. So that he never feels like you have control over him. Tell him if he feels deeply about something to please tell you, so you can give him what he wants. If he agrees and opens up, tell him everything important that you feel and how important communication is to you. Focus on the solution. If you overcome this it will make your relationship closer.

    Maybe you should get in relationship counseling. 8 years is a long time, and worth trying new things to take a shot at saving it. I hope it works out.

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    • Thank you a lot for your advice. Sadly I think counseling is out of the question, since he has actually left me. I will follow your advice and show him that all I care about is his freedom to take control. But I think, maybe more in action than in words.

    • He's not the kind of guy that likes talking about things, so I guess my only chance then is to show him by action that I don't intend to control him. And if he sees that for some time, hopefully he'll come back. If not, well then it's just too late....

    • I sincerely hope you get what you are after. Sometimes setbacks are opportunities to evolve and move on to something better. Good luck

  • Ok. well, sometimes the answer is what you don't want to hear. I had a dramatic break up with my girlfriend for nearly the same reason. Very dramatic, don't feel like explaining this instant. Ok, first thing, you NEVER test a guy to see if he gets jealous. that is like something you NEVER do. to answer your question. its probably one two and three. This is just like me, I'm quiet and jealous. considering the fact that you were testing him to see if he got jealous, he was obviously bother by it and you shouldn't have waited for him to say it. The quiet ones are the ones that are hard to deal with, because they have like... sort of a gauge. when the gauge hits the top, they lose it and dump you. You need to sit down with him and have him talk to you. So, I'm sorry to say but you probably should move on. You have him ticked and from what I just read he probably considers you a s-l-u-t. (sorry for the language, no offense intended) but, I'm the type of guy that can really get over someone. So I don't know, but don't take the chance and move on. Sorry for your loss.

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    • Oh those are hard facts! But considering me a s-l-u-t without having done anything physically with anyone would be a bit harsh, don't you think? Well, anyway, what I do atb is being his friend an respecting his wishes. Hoping that he one day will be back.

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    • No, no, you never called me a S, I know, and I just tried to say that it would be strange if he would consider me one, since I have never been physical with anyone.

    • Did you tell him you never did anything physical?

  • There's a lot of guys that don't express their feelings by words because either they don't know how to or they express them by actions. Some even feel insecure that you may not completely accept or understand them. I think you should of been more patient with him and look for ways that will get him to trust you where he can open up to you without him feeling you will wrongly judge him for it. Desperately seeking it in other men while in a relationship, is a big no no. On top of that, you tell him about it, which only made him conclude that he can't trust you, even if he did said it was okay, it was his way of saying, "If that's what makes you happy, go ahead" you gave out the signal that you're not satisfied and need more out of a relationship other than him. He should of told you no. As a result it you're both at fault. My advice is, if you two really care about each other, may things will work out if you both put forth the effort.

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  • It sounds like 1 of you has a major trust issue going on. Sit down together and talk about this properly face to face and see how things go.

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  • Your both wrong and you both f***ed the whole thing up because you forgot rule #1. Communicate.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Hi Girl,

    Well you have yourself in a bit of a predicament. There are two sentences which really jumped out at me when reading your question. "He tells me he hasn't felt like himself for years" and that "you have too much control over me".

    Well all I can say that is I have had those words said to me. N I know what they mean. You see I look at the two sentences that he said and it isn't really associated with him thinking that you are cheating on him. I think he needs some space from you. When he says that you are too controlling, is that something that just came out of the blue, or is that a valid reason for him? The one thing that I know about guys is that they hate feeling like their girlfriend has too much control over them. Its kills the intimacy and makes it harder for them to relate to you as their girlfriend.

    I don't think that you did anything wrong by writing to those guys on face book. And for some reason I don't think that he is breaking up with you for that reason either. I think there are some other issues that have forced this breakup. But at the same time while you did nothing physical with these guys ... in all honesty if your boyfriend was soo great then why did you have to have other guys come into your life like that? Where they simply just guy friends, or were they a little more? Did you just talk to them, or did you go out with them.

    In a relationship no one likes to feel like they are put second best. It doesn't have to be another guy .. it could be anything .. your career, your family. If he didn't feel like he was a prioirty in ur life, it might have been one of the reasons why he walked away as well.

    8 years is a long time to spend with somebody. So because you have been dating him for that long, then you owe it both of each other to communicated it all out. If he doesn't want to do that ... and seems cold to you and doesn't seem to want things to change .. well then I'm sorry to say, but you are probably going to have to move on.

    good luck with it all

    Hot Alpha Female

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    • Thank you for your answer. Maybe it could be both - 1) control and 2) facebook. And those together = disaster. I keep hoping for him to come back, but I guess I have to start thinking about a life by my self as well... Seems I have a tough road ahead...

    • I'm sure when you give him the space he needs you will find the answer. None the less if you guys don't get back together ... just be excited that you get to find someone even better than your last bf! Its a tough but worthwhile journey =)

  • Not trying to sound mean, but even if he did not tell you he was jealous, you should have had enough respect and love to not talk to these guy's and stayed away from it. Yes, he could have read your messages. Did you talk about things he should not have read? If so, then again, you should not have done that. He probably figures that you did not tell him the details of your facebook buddies, why should he tell you the reason for ending it? If you want him back give him time and space to think about if he can forgive you. I am not a mean or hateful person. But I hope you learned you lesson.

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    • No, you're not mean - I need to hear this. In my defense: He really said it was okey - and naive as I was, I believed him. In his defense: He's the macho kind of guy who never expresses his fears, and I should have known. The sad thing: I really love him..

    • They all say they don't care. Give him some time. My Ex is cold and distant and never initiates the emails first and it's been 2 months. Mine won't talk to me on the phone. He is the one who cheated!!!!

    • Oh I am so sorry to hear that. Take good care of yourself and don't forget your self-respect.

  • Well I didn't want to read the entire thing but a guy who doesn't show emotions..... well my guess it that is doesn't have to do with the emails. He's emotionally scared and doesn't want to show them. He's afraid to show you. I'm sure proposing was a fright for him. I know when my boyfriend proposed it was , to let me know that we will last we didn't plan on getting married for another 2 years but I have the ring to remind me . This works with my relationship and he does this to me when we are fighting but it may work on your end. Call him, if he doesn't answer call him again and again and again leaving him a question in his email each time. He might not answer but he will listen. Ask about the emails, make it awkward , I know that sounds horrible but it will boggle with his mind. you may get answers if not he will notice you care.

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  • It's possible he's upset about the guys you've been talking to. What you were doing was emotional cheating. But if he was, mad it was his responsibility to tell you. You were honest with him, he should have returned the favor. No relationship can work without communication. You're both at fault for the failure of the relationship and you acknowledge that. Besides, it seems that both of you were somewhat unhappy in the relationship, perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

    My advice to you is: start the process of getting over him. He obviously has big issues with emotional constipation. You seem to have plenty of other options of guys who are willing to share themselves with you, so move on with your life and find a relationship that fulfills you. And hope for him to do the same.

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    • Thanks a lot for your answer. I am trying my best getting on with my life, but the more I try, the more I realize that he's the one I've always wanted. Well, I do get out of bed and I do brush my teeth and change my clothes, and that's a start ;)

    • That's pretty much all you can do :) Good luck !

  • I would like to know how you two became emotionally detached in the first place. You couldn't gotten with a guy in the first place that didn't show you his feelings? Could you?

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    • Actually, the first half a year we were just friends. I fell in love. He moved to another city. I pursued him ;) He claimed he wasn't in love, but his actions told me otherwise. After 6 months he came crawling... And after that: Emotional distance...

    • But I know that I have trust issues, so it might be that we are not a very good fit on this matter. After three years he tattooed my name on his arm. I figure he didn't to that for himself - as I thought back then - but because I would trust him more...

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