Why is marriage so important to me?

I have run into a huge brick wall with my boyfriend. We have a good relationship with a lot of love. We've managed to deal with living nearly 1000 miles apart for the last two years.

He tells me he loves me and my daughter and doesn't want our relationship to end and I believe him but I feel that he should have offered a better plan for our future.

We are currently , this moment broken up because I have always made it known that I expected to be married . He didn't want that from the start. I didn't understand and it hurt me but I remained in our relationship out of love for him and hopes that he'd change his mind.

Over time he changed his mind alot. The changes were not easy for him because I am his ...first relationship! He is fourty but had never dated anyone before me. That has caused a lot of stress also but I have tried to be understanding. However often it seemed he was being selfish. He never seemed to get it but it occured to me he'd not had to compromise in his life.

Now he says he loves me but isn't sure he wants to marry me because it doesn't feel natural to him. This led me to believe that our relationship doesn't feel natural to him.

He offered to remain friends but the thought of it leaves me feelings used and broken hearted after basically being a wife to him for over two years...

For the last few days we have only text. He has not called me and I have not called him. He told me that he'd have been happy to continue dating me but I kept pushing him about marriage.

I responded by informing him that for the last two years I have pushed aside other men who wanted to offer me what he seems so unwilling to offer me (the truth) and I did that because I love him & have invested a lot of love and time into us.

He then responded with Now you have me thinking. In theory, I think I could marry you. But its difficult for me to make a long term commitment.

I just responded with "ok" because forgive my ignorance but I don't know what WTH that means! It almost sounds like another excuse but maybe it means he is really thinking more..maybe it means he is imagining his life without me because I'm gonna help him imagine that for a while.

Am I wrong here? Should I just remain focused on the love we have and be content with that. Maybe that is enough. I don't think I will be as happy without him but I have a good life and we had a year long break which I rather enjoyed.

I may sound pretty desperate but I'm a strong person. I just need to know if I have a screwed up expectation? I do want to be married again but I want for him to want it as much as I do and I hate being the one to bring up the idea.

Thanks!

Updates:
Thank you all for your responses. (Yes, even you Waiting at the Door) maybe especially you.


My x boyfriend emailed me & asked me how'd a marriage work between us? Who would move, where would we live ect? I feel he'd have made it happen by now. He also said he didn't want to have to give up his friends & family. That he didn't want to have to give up x, y, z . He said he cares a lot for me & can't imagine not having me in his life but that we are so different because I know exactly what I want & he is still "finding his way" yet he keeps texting me goodnite & morning then today he text more. I'm?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I agree with the Anon User below. You've been settling for less than what you want and, speaking from experience, that is NEVER a good thing.

    You wrote that early on he said he never wanted to get married. Why why why women always think that men will change is beyond me. Maybe it's in our DNA. But the truth is they never really change. So when you first heard that, you should have started walking away at that very moment.

    But now you're are so emotionally invested in the relationship you are really between a rock and a hard place. I think what you really have to ask yourself now is this one question:

    Which is more important to you - staying with him OR getting married?

    Apparently you've already gone through a divorce so I wonder why you are so adamant about getting married again in the first place. Do you plan to have kids with this guy? If so, that's the only real reason I see to getting married again.

    For me personally, getting married is not a goal in my life... having a partner who is willing to commit to me for life is what I'm looking for but that doesn't require a ring on my finger. The relationship itself is waaaaaay more important than some license between us.

    You obviously have a lot of thinking to do. Best of luck.

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    • Thank You. I appreciate your answer. I will be thinking more about what I really want.

What Guys Said 3

  • I think the fact that you stayed with a man for two years who explicitly stated he did not want to get married shows that your desperation (yes, it is desperation) to get married outweighs all logical thought, and the fact that it seems to consume your every decision means that you should focus on what is wrong with you and not with others.

    A man at 40 is not going to get married, that's all there is to it. You should have been done with him six months after it started. And then you could have moved on to all those other stellar offers you had before you.

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    • You might not believe this but I appreciate your answer greatly. Your honestly is timely. I didn't give up after six months because the word love was spoken between us. I believed he was growing & changing his mentality. He began to fly here to see me & spend time with my daughter. He met my family. We talked daily & said I love you nightly. I'd previously been engaged since my divorce 6 years ago but I broke it off so I'm not desperate to be married only for evidence that he wants me as his wife.

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    • On your update: There's nothing to be confused about. He just got done saying that his family, friends and "x, y, and z" are more important than you.

      If there are priorities before the relationship, that means marriage is not a possibility.

      The end.

    • yeah..this was my response " Honestly I am tired. You are correct , I am very determined however I am very determined to make you decide for yourself what happens with your feelings. I am not going to attempt to convince you to love me or choose me or pick me. You've written & shown me that a lot of other things are more important to you so I am willing to walk away from what I thought "WE" had. Obviously and unfortunately we do not have anything that compares to what you feel you stand to lose"

  • It doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does.

    And it doesn't matter what he wants, it matters what YOU want, ultimately.

    If you have specific desires and requirements from your longterm relationships then it's up to YOU to define those requirements with whom ever you're with (after the first 10 dates I guess) so that you can both be on the same page.

    If this fellow KNOWS what you need, but doesn't want the same thing, then that's your answer.

    You're not TOO invested in this one guy to walk away. Your time together was great, or it wasn't, but that doesn't matter moving forward.

    Don't waste more of your life if the relationship isn't going to give you what you ultimately want. You're responsible for YOU, not for him.

    Do what's best for YOU!

    ~ Robby

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    • Thank You so much. I'm not sure why that was so easy to understand coming from you . I now see that I have been placing what he wants above what I really want for the last two years! I know that because the entire time he's offered me less I've accepted and...settled? I didn't think I was because he told me he was offereing me his best. You never want to make someone you love feel their best isn't good enough. I would second guess myself & feel selfish so the relationship continued. I see now.

    • Good for you! Just stay honest with yourself, and be sincere, and it'll be easier to be open and honest with him when you address you frustrations. When you're being honest it's WAY easier to talk with your dude... you take care of you because he's taking care of him. :)

    • Just read this again..I will try to remember ...it matters what I want, not what he says..

      I'm not sure what he is doing but I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too..

  • Ouch. This sounds like such a tough place.

    You know what's awesome about a guy "thinking" about marriage? He gets to do it forever and ever and ever...

    Because he's not going to come around. I'm sorry, but I've seen this guy before, and this is my first kneejerk reaction to your story. I hope I'm wrong, and it's horrible of me to generalize, but that's what it sounds like.

    As far as your own expectations go? Well I'm glad you have at least one foot on the ground (maybe both?). You say "...married AGAIN". Of course the statistics will back up both camps. But it still begs the question: Is it what you need? Or is it just what you want?

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    • Thanks for you insight. I appreciate your first comment most. I know what it began to look like after 6 months. Visits and long talks on the phone every night but when he didn't discuss future plans I let him know it bothered me. Then we'd aruge then the month and the year became two years...

What Girls Said 3

  • Ok what I am going to say may be sometimes hard to hear but it is the truth. First of all he told you that he did not want to get married, if that's what you wanted you should have never ever continued. Often time we women choose guys who obviously aren't want we need because he's cute, or he's rich or he's social or he's tall or he has bedroom skills. You shouldn't feel used because he told you from the start what he was, you chose this path and wasted your time. If he does get married because you coerce him into it, he more than likely will be unhappy or even worst cheat on you constantly which would probably end in divorce and a colossal waste of more time and money. You need to ask yourself if you are going to just accept him the way he is and accept that he doesn't want to get married and deal with it or tell yourself that you deserve someone who is willing to take you as his own and want to spend the rest of his life with you. Its not unrealistic for you to want to be married, a lot of other people want that. Just choose the right person. Obviously that's not him. If he is selfish, he won't be a good candidate for marriage because marriage is all about compromise (loads of it). I think you did the right thing to leave him however if you truly want more you have to nip it in the butt cold turkey and let him really see what it is like without you. Come on, He is forty years old, if he still doesn't know if he wants marriage, he probably doesn't and in that case he does not deserve you. Do what's right for you because he is doing what's right for him. I know it is hard to be alone but you owe it to yourself to find that guy. It may not happen right away but you will. If you don't like that option just accept him because he isn't going to change.

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    • You are a beautiful woman you don't need him

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    • Thank You for the kind compliment too.

    • Well from one girl who has gone through a similar situation to another, its totally worth it. You might feel like you made a mistake and feel like you can't do it but you will soon see that the man you needed will come along and make you happier than you ever dreamed

  • This guy doesn't want marriage , Your in a long distance relationship and he told you . He's probably dating someone else . I would move on , I know it can be hard . But don't beg a man to marry you .

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    • It is hard but I am going to have to move on. His answers don't sound like what I'd expect from a man about to lose the woman he loves.

  • you aren't screwed up you are dating the wrong person. it is a common mistake women make we get blinded by our feelings and we sacrifice what we really want out of a relationship to be with a man we like. I've done it, not on your scale, but I kept dating a guy who didn't want a relationship with me because I really liked him and enjoyed what I could have, but in the end I had to walk away because not getting what I really wanted made me absolutely miserable.

    just a thought. if you sacrifice your needs, being that they are not irrational, which yours are not, for someone else, you will probably just feel worse in the long run.

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    • Thank you for you kindness. I believe that a person should have the type of relationship that they desire to . If he doenst want to be married I certainly can't make him but I have to make a decision to no longer be available to him. That is hard. He wants me the stay close but I can't move forward & remain in his life in any capacity. I think that is so selfish. Unfortunately we have been here before. He's mentioned not wanting our relationship to end but still he does nothing different.

    • you have to distance yourself completely to heal it is very hard I am having problems moving on myself but it is for your own good in the end.

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