My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. We have a 2 year old together and he is an absolutely wonderful father to him. Only problem is hat I feel like I never truly feel in love with him. He fell hard and fast for me, but I was in a troubled marriage when we first met and I was simply looking for a short term rebound relationship. Only problem is it didn't turn out that way. Every time I have tried to leave him, he cries for me to stay and tells me how much he loves me and the boy and how he couldn't live without us. And I stay. We enjoy doing some things together but not a whole lot of things. On top of not having a lot of things that we enjoy doing together, we never have time to actually do them. Between raising our son, me going to school, him working 50-60 hour weeks and working on building us a house in his free time late at night sometimes, we virtually spend no time together as a couple. To complicate matters further, I went out of town on a trip with friends and I met another guy while we were on our trip and I fell for him. We talked some and spent part of the day together and before it was all said and done, we kissed. I know I cannot pursue him and stay with my boyfriend but I don't know whether I should listen to my heart or my head. Do I stay where I am at in a relationship where I am unhappy but can provide a stable life to my child and not have to make him choose where he wants to be or do I follow my heart?
Most Helpful Guy
It sounds like you are caught between a selfish "what is most exciting to me right now in the short-term, to hell with the consequences or how it affects anybody else" or the unselfish "maybe things aren't ideal but I am willing to work it out because I have made choices and have to take responsibility for those choices because it is no longer just about me."
You don't fall in or out of love, you make love. You create it and recreate it. You nurture it and make it grow. Or you neglect it and let it die. When real life hits us and we have to work hard and things are stressful, and we don't have as much time for the fun, carefree things is when we find out if we are capable of unselfish love. Being a good lover, not in sexual sense but in a relationship sense, requires a higher state of maturity. It is much more than simply being turned on by, thinking about, having fun with, having a spark with, etc. Those things can be had with any number of people, and they wax and wane in intensity. They do not define love. They define sexual and personal attraction and infatuation. True love is a character trait that we have to cultivate. It is just as much "head" as it is "heart". And when in doubt go with your head.
Love is about commitment and sacrifice for the greater good. You have made decisions that have tangible consequences for other people besides just you. As an adult it is your responsibility to consider the probable effects of your choices on other people--in this case your boyfriend and your child. You can go with your "heart" if you want to, but you will be doing a disservice to your son and to your boyfriend. And if you think about it, real life will come around in your new relationship also. Eventually you will deal with stressful times when you don't have as much time for the fun stuff and you will be wondering if you love the guy [NOTE: you don't love the other guy yet. You had a spark and a kiss, but you don't love him yet.]
Real love and real character get us through the times when things aren't ideal. So right now it is not about head versus heart, it is about selfish and immature versus mature and unselfish.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I feel strongly that you are on the precipice of a potentially very bad decision that will negatively impact other people and in the end won't be what you really want anyway. So choose to be a good lover and make love in your relationship and make that love sustain you through the seemingly "loveless" times that all couples pass through.4