Marriage ultimatums - I don't understand. Why do some girls do them?

I know some girls who get to a certain point in a relationship - usually a certain number of years (whether good or bad) and then tell their boyfriends that they either need to break up and get married.

The guys don't want to do either but then they marry the girl (even though they didn't want to) just because they didn't want to break up.

Time goes on and they realize that they did not want to be married and especially not to that girl then they either split up or he just cheats on her excessively.

Girls:

Have you done this?

Why do you do this?

Do you think this is actually going to lead to a successful marriage?

Did your marriage last?

After a few years, are you still wanting to be married to him?

Updates:
***Break up OR get married (not and!)

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Most Helpful Girl

  • the couple should have discussed this way earlier. no need for ultimatums (sp?) if communication is clear.

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    • I know! I never understand why people wait so long to discuss something so important!

What Guys Said 5

  • Why wouldn't they do this? What's the better alternative approach? Dumping him because he hasn't asked yet? Waiting indefinitely to find out the guy was never interested?

    Communicating is sometimes awkward, but its not a bad thing. If she genuinely wants to get married or find someone else to marry, she should say so.

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    • I can see that tbh. It kind of relates to my comment - maybe you want someone who is enthusiastic?

    • Well, really you either deliver the ultimatum at some point (giving them a chance) or you just walk because you conclude they don't want what you do.

      Same thing is true with anything else you're 'waiting' for - sex, commitment, etc. You need to separate whether you are waiting because they aren't sure enough yet, or because they're not at that stage in life, or they're just not that interested.

  • If a girl wants to get married and the guy doesn't...she's gotta find out his intentions somehow. I agree an ultimatum is bad...a better alternative is to say

    "Listen, I want to be married within the next couple of years...if you don't have the same goals, we need to evaluate this relationship"...

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  • No, haven't done that.

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  • Ultimatums are the last resort of people who have no power in their situation.

    If a man wants to marry a girl, he'll act on his own. Her trying to twist his arm is just a weak, last resort.

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  • Because settling down and having kids is important to more women than men.

    And even if a woman is settled down with kids, making it official is also likely to be important to her.

    I can understand dumping a guy if he doesn't want to settle down and have kids. But weddings and marriages are over-rated especially from a man's perspective.

    That said, it's better to be honest than to pretend everything's OK.

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What Girls Said 10

  • Nope.

    Hell no.

    Hell no.

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    n/a

    Now this doesn't apply to all girls, but I think girls tend to do this kind of thing simply because they want nothing more than to get married and have a family. It doesn't matter to them whether the guy they're with is a good match or not, as long as he's willing to marry her. So once the girl has been with a guy for a few years she decides it's time for him to sh*t or get off the pot.

    Personally, I think giving a guy a marriage ultimatum or even pressuring him to get married is a terrible idea. If a guy marries you because he feels like he HAS to and not because he WANTS to, it's only going to cause problems down the road. Just the fact that he had to be forced into it alone is a terrible sign. Most guys will want to marry a girl (no pressure needed) if he feels that she's right for him and he doesn't ever want to let her go. Even guys who say they never want to get married will end up realizing they do if the right girl crosses their path. And when a guy reaches that conclusion on his own, he'll be much more likely to be happy in the marriage because it's something he wanted too. But when you force a guy into it, eventually he'll realize he ended up somewhere he never wanted to be.

    I think the personality type of women who do this kind of thing factors into it as well. A girl who wants a man to decide for himself whether or not he wants to get married is probably going to be a respectful and easy-going partner. Whereas a girl who tries to force a guy into marriage seems more selfish and demanding.

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  • I don't know, I know some girls do it as a form of manipulation, but I'm sure lots just want a straight, honest, answer,

    all relationships eventually reach a point where a choice has to be made,

    you can't always just sit around for another 2 years waiting for the other person to eventually decide you're not the right one for them after all.

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  • I agree, ultimatums are really bad. They make the guy feel like he has to make a decision NOW and most guys will panic. Panic doesn't exactly bring the most logical side out. Plus I don't understand this obsession with getting married. Why does everyone feel like that's the only way to validate their relationship? Really, I don't understand.

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  • Females who do them are either

    A.) Stupid

    B.) self-absorbed

    C.) inconsiderate

    D.) overly emotional

    E.) all of the above

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  • Not sure, I have ever done that and never will.

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  • Ultimatums don't work

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  • Some women are bad at communication. Remember, men honestly NEVER think about marriage until like 35.

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  • I have heard of girls that do that and it usually backfires on them. The better approach is to find out what future goals are early in the relationship. Some people shy away from talking about the future and while making plans together early on isn't always the best idea, talking about your own plans for the future is very important. If marriage is something that a person wants, bring that up at some point. I personally, do want to get married at some point so I tend to date guys that I can see a long term future with. I also want children and my current guy and I discussed this before we even thought about really being together (still working on that, its important to both of us that our future goals line up). I knew he wanted children someday in the next 5 to 10 years 4 weeks after meeting him. I also know he doesn't want any right now. I can't blame him down the road if he comes to me one day and says we should talk about having children. He can't either, we talked about it early. Communication is so important and by really talking, you can avoid so much heartbreak down the road. It all comes down to how you tell him that you want to get married. Ultimatums are wrong and just don't work.

    Just don't move in with him before you have a wedding date if marriage is important to you, that's what my godmother always tells me.

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  • Ultimatums DO NOT work. They are manipulative and shady and if anyone ever does that to you, you should question why you're with them in the first place. I think that marriage is something that should be discussed earlier in the relationship than later. When you are getting to know someone in a romantic way you should learn what they want from life. You should talk about whether or not you want marriage, children, where you want to live, religious preferences, etc. That way, you aren't wasting two years with someone if they want different things than you do. I have yet to meet a man who got married because he was pushed into it. Men get married because they want to. If a married man cheats it isn't because he was forced into marriage, it's because he's a cheater. So, if you find out early in the relationship that SOMEDAY he does want to get married, then let that be good enough. He'll ask when the time is right. I would never want a ring just because if I threatened to leave if I didn't get one. We got engaged at 8 months though so I didn't really have to wait :) I got lucky lol.

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    • I'm not sure that they're shady. You can clearly indicate that you require A or are going to move on. That's not manipulative. In a way its respectful - the alternative being dumping them and not saying why. However I agree that it may be better off dumping and finding someone who is eager, not just willing.

    • Telling something you aren't having your needs met and that you need some changes is one thing. BUT, an ultimatum is, "If you don't do what I want you to do, you will pay for it". Taking care of your own needs is one thing, but pushing them on another person is wrong. Ultimatums are not a great way to have a loving relationship and yes they are manipulation.

    • Exactly. I feel couples need to have these talks right in the beginning in order to avoid disappointment. You can't force things, especially a life long decision, and when you do they never work out.

  • I don't think it's a bad idea. What's the point with staying with a guy that has no future intentions for you. I think most people make the mistake in that they date and couple up with a partner that has different needs from a relationship than them and so they put up am ultimatum in an effort to get what they want from the guy and at The same time push him into doing it. But if she has your children, lives with you and acts like a wife; why buy a cow when you are getting free milk?

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    • "What's the point with staying with a guy that has no future intentions for you"

      That's exactly why the ultimatum is a bad idea. If he intended to marry you in his future, you wouldn't have to force his hand.

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    • It's a TERRIBLE idea because an ultimatum means you got the husband by default. Just because he's not ready right now doesn't mean he has no future intentions. Marriage is a huge deal and wise people don't rush into it. If she has his children, lives with him, and acts like a wife then it's HER FAULT for giving him the milk for free. She needs to take responsibility for that instead of pouting and making demands. Men who are only in marriages because of ultimatums are more likely to cheat and

    • have affairs.

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