Should you get engaged if you're not ready to get married?

My girlfriend has been noticing her age a lot recently and is more and more upset that she is a few years from 30 and not married.

She is pressuring me to "make a commitment" but insists she doesn't want marriage right now - but rather that we should get engaged. Personally, I don't think you should "pop the question" unless you are prepared to marry the person on the spot. I don't think of engagement as a period to "test things out more". Am I completely wrong in this?

Also - if I shouldn't get engaged, what else can I do? We already live in the same place (renting it out currently), I pay for our living expenses and some of her bills (gym, cell phone, etc.) We're not dating other people, etc. We've been together for 8+ months and I don't know what else to do to show her I'm committed but that it's not time for marriage (engagement) yet.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't think not ben 'ready' to marry each other is the issue/ I thin if you 100% wanted to get married you'd be happy to get engaged at any point.

    it sounds to me that you are not sure you want to marry hr. not ready is actually doubt.

    h not getting any younger is not a good reason for either of you to get married.

    if you want to marry I don't see what harm getting engaged will be.

    if you are getting engaged to make sure you have to marry even though you want to, that's a bad idea.

    theres no place for pressure in a lie long decision, imo. you either want to of your own volition, or you do not.

    1. why do you WANT to marry hr.

    2. when you say not 'ready' what are the reasons for this?

    if you can not answer one or both questions, I think you should reconsider whether you really intend to get married.

    what does it mean you're committed but are not ready to get married? what is the difference to you?

    i think you need to focus on whether you really want to commit. rather than worry about how to make her believe you want to commit.

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What Girls Said 12

  • I get where she's coming from but no I don't think you should. To add to what others have said: well first, it sounds like she's not financially independent herself, which could be a red flag. You should know whether she's responsible in this regard. Secondly, if your not feeling sure then there's a chance that you will end up with a failed engagement. This scares some people when your ready tostart over and move on. What I would do to curb this desire of hers is tell her how you feel about marriage. If you think she is the one for you, tell her that you plan to marry her just not until (fill in the blank). If this isn't how you feel tell her you need more time to decide. And though this won't make her feel better she needs to know how you feel about marriage. Is it something you may never want? If so tell her you do however see yourselves lasting (if you do). Or vice versa, you want to get married someday, but its a life long commitment to someone and you feel it takes a couple years to know with absolute certainty that the person you're with is who you intend to stay with: which I why you're living together.

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  • No you should not get engaged. You should not get married if you don't want to.

    Talk to her like an ADULT. Tell her you aren't ready to get married RIGHT NOW. TELL HER you haven't been together long enough to know if she is the one you want to marry, but that you are committed to the relationship and interested in seeing where it goes.

    IF that's not good enough for her, then she needs to leave the relationship and find someone who is ready to marry her.

    Marriage is a HUGE deal and it takes longer than 8 months to know if you want to spend the REST of your life with someone. She also needs to realize that there is no MAGIC number in your life when things are "SUPPOSED" to happen. Doing things because of your age, or because other people are doing it, or people tell you to do it, is a sure way to have allot of disappointments in you life.

    NEver do anything you aren't ready to do.

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  • 8 months is too early for that type of step! She probably just "restless", since you guys rushed into the "committed relationship" so soon. People need to take it slow.. To enjoy each step as it comes. You are going to have to be the tough one in this relationship to put the breaks on. Meanwhile, it really is just restlessness. Take her on a get away. Maybe just the weekend, a a road trip to a hotel one state over. She just wants a different experience with you to bring back excitement :)

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  • Nope that's not okay.

    Why get engaged if you aren't sure if you even intend on marrying her? She's being pushy. Pushing for someone to do something they're not ready for often has them heading for the hills. She should know better.

    Maybe you could get her a puppy. That would definitely keep me busy for a couple months!

    Think about it long and hard before you allow yourself to make that kind of decision.

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  • You've only been dating 8+ months. DON'T get engaged tell her how much you care it's just to soon for you.

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  • You're right and she can't force you to propose. Wanting to be engaged just because of your age and not because you want to get married in the next few years is ridiculous. Propose when you'll feel ready

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  • You are absolutely right! How much more committed can you be? Have you ever told her you hope to marry her someday? Maybe she needs to hear it so she'll know she's not just spinning her wheels. Ask her too why she's worried about not being married yet maintains she's not ready now. Maybe you should be questioning her intentions towards you? Are you ready to marry her right now? Think long and hard about it.

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  • I think it's a good idea. It's sort of a promise to each other to always be committed and that you will eventually marry. Have you ever thought about just plain promise rings?

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  • Ask yourself again, do you love her and want to build a new family with her in the future. If your answer it's not, please tell her because you will waste her time.

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  • don't propose to someone you've been dating for only a bit over 8 months...

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  • You been dating 8months, and want to get engaged? Well mainly her, but no marriage. It makes no sense

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What Guys Said 5

  • It depends what you mean by 'not ready to be married'.

    If money/school/work etc. mean it doesn't make sense to get married right now, but you know that you want to marry each other, I think it's fair.

    If you're not ready because you're not sure if you want to marry them, no.

    Your girlfriend's situation may be that ... if you are the 'one' and you're going to get married in a few years, and then have kids, that's all fine. If you're going to date a few years then NOT get married, suddenly her timeline for finding people, learning if they're the one, trying again, etc ...

    Where I live women seem to hit this closer to 30, but its a reasonable position. Essentially, they can wait to get married and have kids, but they can't wait around years to then start over looking for a new relationship (or at least, want to avoid that).

    My gut is you're not -sure- yet, you haven't ruled it out, but you;re not sure. If that's the case, I wouldn't get engaged yet, but tell her you understand she is looking for a life partner and you aren't going to waste her time, you're actively exploring whether she's the one, and if you propose one day, it won't be for a trial, its because you know she is. Then you need to realize you don't have all the time in the world, you need to make a decision in the next year or so probably.

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  • I don't think there's anything wrong with getting engaged if you think that you will get married to her at some point but just aren't ready at that moment in time. If you are doing it because you feel pressured you might want to have a talk with her about you not feeling ready. At the same time you could reassure her by saying what you want in the future and where you think you're at, at the moment.

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  • What does your heart tell you? IS she the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?

    If she wants to get married because she "Isn't getting any younger" that is a BAD reason. NOT a way to have a mate who's heart you crave. That is someone in a hurry. Don't be in a hurry to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life.

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  • Only if you both are 100% ready.

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  • no, of course not

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