Found out from another friend that I'm not going to be a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding?

I've been best friends with my friend for 4 years now. I was there from square one when she began dating her now fiancee. I am also good friends with him because we all 3 hang out. My best friend and I had the conversation a couple years ago about being in each others weddings. We decided that we going to be each others maid of honor. After my friend got engaged, I re-visited that conversation and told her that even though she was moving far away that I would 100% be there and that I hoped that me being in the wedding was still the plan. She didn't correct me. Ever since then, her and I have been wedding planning, dress shopping, I did her hair and makeup for her engagement pictures, and I have made props for her pictures as well. There was never talk about bridesmaids.

Today I find out from a mutual friend that my best friend is only having her 3 sisters be bridesmaids. I understand the whole family thing, but she doesn't even talk to two of those sisters, and she never even told me that I wasn't going to be her maid of honor or even a bridesmaid like originally planned.

I'm upset that I had to find out from someone else and not her. And I'm upset that I've essentially been led on to thinking I was in the wedding, especially after all the work I have been doing for the wedding.

How should I approach this issue? And do I have a legit reason to be upset? I feel slightly selfish.

Honestly, her family is an absolute mess and has no politics. One of her sisters made it clear that she was going to be in the wedding, no exceptions, but she talks to that sister often. The other two live out of state and are half sisters whom she doesn't talk to. I have only heard her mention these sisters once. I know for fact that she has 3 bridesmaids because she has made 3 boxes to hold necklaces for them to ask them officially to be bridesmaids. The messed up part? I helped her pick out
those necklaces and have helped her pick out what to put in the boxes. I understand that the conversation was several years ago, but point is that it happened and I even brought it up again several months ago after she got engaged. She's been engaged for 4 months now and is moving away to Florida in a month and she STILL hasn't told me. That's 4 months of work on the wedding that I've done. I feel used. The person I heard it from is a reliable source.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You have reason to be upset. She had once told you that you would be. When you tried to confirm this with her, her silence was bound to be understood as agreement. She misled you. While you are not entitled to the honor, having it taken away after the fact is a different matter. She really should have told you when you asked about it again. Are you absolutely certain that your mutual friend is right about this? It could be a misunderstanding. Etiquette would say that you pretend that you were not originally invited to be in the wedding and be there for her as a wedding guest.

    This is a lot to ask of anyone. If you can put it aside to forgive and forget, this would relieve stress on her. If this is going to be a problem that will drive a wedge between you, then it should be brought up at some point. It would be better for her later but that may not be bearable for you to wait until after the wedding. If you feel like you have to bring it up, I suggest phrasing it for clarification that you were led to believe that you would be in the wedding but apparently you won't be? Assuming this is the case, you have to decide just how much you want to press her about why she didn't say anything. She does not owe you a place in the wedding but she did owe you the truth when you last talked to her about that. Before going into all this, decide what you want to come out of it. If you don't give her the chance to make up for this and repair any rift, there's no point in bringing it up at all.


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What Guys Said 6

  • I agree with your emotions, you have a right to feel this way, but I would speak to your friend and ask who she plans to have as brides maids, because sometimes, family can play a massive part in who is chosen for this roll, and she may not have as much a say in who is as you think, so don't get to sour just yet, find out who is, and then get her reasons why, and then tell her you feel gutted about not being chosen, but respect her decision, because if she has decided against you, it sounds like she has been influenced in some way, either that or she doesn't want someone looking better than she would on her day, which some brides to be do worry about, which in that case, try and take it as a compliment,x

  • Maybe her family members want to be exclusive in terms of the places of honor in her wedding, and she's too embarrassed to tell you that.

    Some families are very controlling, especially about such significant events. They may have obliged her to exclude you from the inner circle. She can't thik of a 'nice' way to tell you this.

    This isn't the time to pressure her; let her enjoy her wedding without conflict with her best friend.

    She will no doubt find a way to explain this to you, but obviously it's difficult for her. Give her time to get up her courage to tell you.

    • Just hang in there-getting into an argument with her won't help. You could just innocently ask her how it's coming along...

  • You can't be sure of why. It sounds like family only?

    When I got married I was suppose to pick my groomsmen. My future wife picked 2 of her brothers (whom I didn't like) That left me with my best man & only one other. So obviously 2 of my friends that I wanted got left out.

  • I wouldn't stress it, my best friend is getting married, we always joked about being each others Best Men at each others weddings... But he picked his brother (Family wanted it). He couldn't tell me, he felt really bad, his fiance told me. He will still be my best man. I wouldn't feel bad about feeling selfish, I was a little let down, but it is their day, I'm not gonna rain on their parade, But your feelings are totally understandable!

  • Try not to sweat it. Chances are it was family politics that she couldn't really control. Weddings can be political family minefields. I'm sure she was just unsure about how to tell you.

  • You have reason to be upset. You're a good friend. You deserve better than that really.


What Girls Said 2

  • dont assume anything until youve asked your friend what her final plans are for the big day, she could have made that up to your mutual friend to prevent her asking to be a bridesmaid herself or she could have meant she's having her sisters as bridesmaids and you as a maid of honour

  • I'm actually inclined to think you jumped the gun in your assumptions. If that was a couple of years ago then I'm not sure why it was assumed that what was said would remain.

    Sometimes friends say things like that, but family issues force situations that would otherwise not occur.

    You made an assumption and kind of ran with it. Unfortunately, questions should have been asked and discussion should have taken place.

    I think it sucks that you put in a lot of work and effort only to find out in that manner, but her decision is likely made and she shouldn't be pressured into changing it.

    Who is going to be her maid of honor then? You mention 3 bridesmaids but no maid of honor?

    Have dresses been chosen?

    • Who is the MOH? Honestly, are you sure you aren't the MOH? You wouldn't be included in the bridesmaids nonsense. Like, you wouldn't receive the things they are.

      Maybe try to casually ask her "what do I wear to your wedding?" and see if she says something about a dresscode for YOU specifically

    • Show All
    • That's kinda what I was thinking too. The shitty thing is that we work together, I'm getting ready to head into work and I'll see her there. I'm going to keep our contact minimal and wait for her to tell me officially that I'm not in her wedding. I wonder how long it will take.

    • I think it sucks that she's waiting...

      it's like she's purposely using you, only to pull the plug at the very end.

      I'd just keep it cordial, but definitely don't go out of your way to say hi.

      This is all awkward. I'm sorry.