What do you think of this bit of writing?


My old beat up truck rolled into the farm, where we were staying at, “Here we are.” I spoke to Lacey my best friend, Bob and Tim my other good friends. The place itself was unique but different than what it looked like on the ad. The house looked old and made of stone, wood was stacked against the house. There was a staircase leading up to the house, paint peeling off the old wood. There was a small, rusty bench beside the door, the door itself looked like it needed a good paint. We unpacked our bags and headed up the stairs. Knock, knock, knock Bob knocked his meaty hands on the door, minutes passed before an old, wrinkly man opened the door. He ushered us inside, closing the door behind us. “You’re not safe anywhere, not even here.” He whispered, he limped up the staircase, “I’ll show you your rooms.” He spoke.

Once we had unpacked the man told us if we wanted to take a hike around the farm we could, but to stay away from the forest. We had decided to walk up to the top of the farm, where there was a view point. The day was hot and long, I was glad that we had packed water, by the time we reached the view point my legs were as stiff as boards. Just taking a step was painful enough, there was a large rock where we sat and looked over the farm. The farm and earth around us looked like a ocean of greens and yellows, “This is nice, no this beautiful” Lacey sighed. “Yeah it is, I wondered what the old man was talking about it not being safe.” Tim spoke. “Should we find out?” I asked “Yea” Tim and Bob cheered, “ But the old man said it wasn't safe, so maybe we shouldn’t look.” Lacey spoke softly. “What if he’s hiding something? Like a body” Tim exclaimed. “Come on Lacey it will be fine lets go.” I tried to convince her. “Okay”

We headed our way towards the forest, the pine tree

Updates:
Pine trees towered over the world. There were sheep tracks darting through the trees, we walked along the tracks. The birds danced above us, some sung sweet songs, butterflies flyed in the ferns. “See Lacey there’s nothing bad here.” Bob told her, “You're right, it’s peaceful and beautiful here, I wonder why he told us not to come in here.” She smiled. A hour of walking later they heard a low growl,
they stopped dead in their tracks. “What was that?” I asked, another growl louder this time. I looked around, the trees looked the same, a black shadow pranced behind the trees. “There.” I whispered pointing towards the trees, it walked into the light. It had black fur, big green eyes and a long tail. He leaped towards us before we had time to register what was happening. We took off at a start. I was basically throwing my legs and arms forward but they were as heavy as boulders,

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Most Helpful Girl

  • interesting you should continue

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    • I nearly finished it but it's too long

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    • The rest is here

    • thanks for sharing :) i really enjoyed it
      it seems good i hope your teacher will like it too :)

What Guys Said 4

  • You're super talented. I especially liked the detail you gave to the door and the house.

    Keep on writing! :)

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  • That was very good - Keep on practising

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  • I'm just really curious about that pine tree now.

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  • good overall, fix your grammar, and re word certain phrase to the active voice. Your first sentence is in the passive voice, but then you go back to the active voice.

    Overal im impressed because you are 13 and you're writing like highschooler

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What Girls Said 2

  • Be careful with the repetition of words (Knock, knock, knock Bob knocked (use a different word like pounded) his meaty hands on the door, minutes passed before an old, wrinkly man opened the door. He ushered us inside, closing the door (you use door quite a bit)) and don't end a sentence in a preposition ("My old beat up truck rolled into the farm, where we were staying at" is grammatically improper.) The idea behind the writing is good but work on your technique. Practice on showing the reader with your words rather than just telling. So instead of "There" I whispered pointing towards the trees, it walked into the light. It had black fur, big green eyes and a long tail. He leaped towards us before we had time to register what was happening.
    Try something like..
    "There." The word caught in my throat as the moon illuminated the vicious creature. Thick fur the color of midnight coated the animal from its raised ears to the tip of its long tail. Without allowing us to have time to process our situation, green eyes leapt from the darkness towards our small tribe.
    And try to avoid cliches and run on sentences. The things I say are not meant to be mean or rude :)

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  • It is very good! You are talented and I was surprised to see you are only 13 :) I hope your teacher likes it too!
    The only thing I would suggest is that you split up a few sentences into two sentences. For example: "Yeah it is, I wondered what the old man was talking about it not being safe." You could maybe say: "Yeah, it is." Tim spoke. He hesitated. "I wonder what the old man was talking about when he said it isn't safe here."
    Do what you want with it though, it is your story.
    But I like the story very much, I love the details you write about. It is very pleasant to read your descriptions.

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