Boyfriend with depression keeps running to self harm?

I've known this guy for 6 years. Been together nearly 4 years and it has been an absolute roller-coaster. He does have signs of abusive behaviour and in all honesty, we're not that great at all. But we've spent 2 weeks together trying to fix things and we've got another week this week to try and fix. We have the house to ourselves and its great... At least it would be, if he didn't run to cutting every time we have an argument. I don't know how to talk to him about it because I can't say anything to him without his mood dropping and things getting bad. I can't say normal girlfriend things because it depresses him, so I'm left hurt or wanting to say something and I just can't out of fear he'll cut! I just don't know what to do anymore!!


Most Helpful Guy

  • You aren't going to save him. Anyone who cuts themselves has something seriously wrong with them.

    If you want a normal relationship you should just leave him now, it's not going to happen. He will need therapy, and it will take a while to turn himself around.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I've struggled with depression and self-injury. Frankly, depression is an on-going problem for me which, like any other medical condition, I think is best left to my doctors. I think the best thing to do when dealing with a loved one who's depressed is to let them know that they have your support.

    As for self-injury, the vast majority of self-injurers are not suicidal. I'm saying this because I think it may be reassuring, not to imply that your concern for him is invalid. He will only stop cutting when he's in the correct state of mind. This could happen soon. It could take years. It might never happen - I consider myself "recovered", but under great emotional stress, I still resort to self-injury. (Probably 1-2 times/year.) Don't treat him like he's made of glass. He might resent it (I did) and he doesn't really need it. People get injuries all the time in the regular course of life. If you would like to bring it up, maybe just say that you know about it and offer your support, e. g. if he ever needs first aid. By all means, let him know that it worries you, but it's not really any use asking/telling him to stop.

    You mentioned you're arguing quite frequently - are these arguments related to his mental health? Also, you mention he sometimes exhibits abusive behaviour. I'll be the first to admit that, during my depression, I was not the most mindful of other people - but it is not a free pass for stepping on other people! I hope he is not doing this on purpose, have you let him know your concerns about his behaviour/would it be safe to do so? Don't let him bully you - you deserve to be safe and respected.

    This is a whole lot of anecdotal evidence, but I hope it is helpful to you!

    • I never try to talk about his self harm & addiction to it because I know it upsets him. I'll always listen when he wants to talk about it & he's been doing it for absolutely years! He thinks he deserves to be alone so it's hard for him in a way because he's always been alone. however, when I say arguments - it's just arguments that normal couples have. If he's done something to upset me, i can't talk about it because he gets really defensive and then we have a big argument and then he cuts! that's just how it goes. I never think I can tell him how i feel about something he's done because of this! with the abusive behaviour, i really dont know what goes on through his mind. Your answer was appreciated, thank you!


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What Guys Said 2

  • you need to call someone to get him help even it's the police i know you hate to but you don't want him to end it all one time so he needs help..

  • Simple, just don't say anything. Just stand by him in his hard times. Don't talk about things he doesn't feel comfortable talking about just yet. Don't let him be alone, talk to him and do things you enjoy. Depression isn't cured over night. I know its not a fast solution, but it is a sure solution.


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