I really need a good laugh, if you know any funny stories of jokes please share, ill do likewise :)
Somebody tell me a good joke right now?
What Girls Said 1
A Duck walks into a Chemist and asks for a packet of Condoms. The assistant said would you like them on your bill? the duck replied what do you take me for a fliping pervert0
What Guys Said 9
When I become a parent, I don't think I can play favorites between my children. I think if you're a parent, you have to love all your kids equally, because kids remember, and it affects them later on in life. I remember, because I could always tell that my parents liked my brother more. Even when we were little, they always got him these fancy battleships and submarines to play with in the bathtub. I could tell they didn't like me very much, the only bath toys they gave me were a radio and a toaster.
When I was around 6 or 7, I remember how over-protective my parents were, but we all know how that never works. I remember one day, the cellar door cracking open. Now, my parents always told me to stay away from the cellar. But the more they told me to stay away, the more I wanted to see what was on the other side of that door - even if it killed me - and so I did, and I saw all sorts of things that I had never seen before - and as a kid, they blew my mind. Things like grass, trees, the sun, the sky, other people.
Has anyone gone to one of those Cirque shows in Las Vegas? The things these people can do - it's amazing. My wife took me to a "strong man" show recently. There were guys there lifting people from the crowd with one hand, moving entire cars, basically calling your whole sense of masculinity and self-worth into question. Then, this one guy takes a white towel out and soaks it in water - and he just kept twisting it and draining all the water out into a cup - until the towel was completely dry. And then he starts being a dick. As if that's not enough, he has to rub it in everyone's face. He starts yelling to the audience, "If anyone here can get just a single drop of water out of this towel, I'll give him $100.00."
All of a sudden, this 80 year-old short, skinny, scrawny guy walks up. Meanwhile Mr. Clean is laughing. All of a sudden, you could hear a "ploup" echo across the whole room, and Mr. Clean's jaw dropped. Then, the old guy squeezes another drop out! And he keeps trying - and he got a fucking third drop out - Mr. Clean was blown away. We were all blown away.
Mr. Clean was like, "In all my years, I've never seen anyone do that, who the hell are you? What do you do, Sir?"
I swear to God, the old guy looks at him and says, "I'm a tax auditor at the IRS."0
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.0
I get a kick out of someone who not offensively telling mom jokes.
Guy A: what are some kinky names i call my gf?"
Guy B: ( insert your mom name here)
I get a good laugh out of that.0
Why was the holocaust just a misunderstanding?
Because Hitler said ''Glass of juice'' not ''gass the jews''
Worst case scenario is that this gets taken down. Best case is I just go to hell after this.0
I went to the shop to buy some condoms. When I went to pay for them the lady asked me "would you like a bag"
I said " No thanks, she isn't that fucking ugly"0
Here's a good one...
I just lost my virginity...0
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