What do you think of this small passage (I want HONEST opinions)?

Here it is: (From the beginning of chapter 28)
Inside the Queen’s palace, the scene took him aback as if a thunderous wind had slapped him across the face.

He had not seen something quite like this before—palaces like this one were quite rare—one of its kind, if he had to say himself. Brilliant chandeliers with flawless polished crystals of ruby, sapphire, emerald, and amethyst, dangled high above their heads—stilled, but emanating a radiance that stained the velvety ground with a glaze of colors. Goblets that had dancing and roaring conflagrations of tear-shaped bonfires, protruded from the sides of the honey-colored florid stonewall. Their shadows flared and danced all over the place, underneath the brilliance of the radiant light. Hot dew mingling with an aromatic smells of delight and scrumptious dishes filled the silent air.

Twin staircases spiraled out, each one on both sides; slathered with a rosary carpet fringed with sapphire and gold. The carpets ran up, spiraling and spiraling. He could not help but notice the sheer number of weapons; long swords, battle-axes, daggers, bows and quivers, all flourishing the walls to the left. He looked forward, eyes wide, and face coalesced with both fear (something he had not felt for a long time), and curiosity.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Okay, I like it BUT I did add some corrections/suggestions. I know we're coming into the story out of context, but these are a few things that could be more clear. Hope that helps :) Looks good!

    Inside the Queen’s palace, the scene took him aback as if a thunderous wind had slapped him across the face. <<<-- I don't really feel this analogy working...

    He had not seen *anything* quite like it before—palaces like this one were quite rare —one of a kind, if he had to say himself. <<<--Palaces like what? Ornate, elaborate? maybe try changing it to: He had not seen *anything* quite like it before—palaces as elaborate as this one were quite rare —one of a kind, if he had to say so himself.

    Brilliant chandeliers dangled high above their heads with flawless polished crystals of ruby, sapphire, emerald, and amethyst —stilled, but emanating a radiance that stained the velvety ground with a glaze of colors. Goblets, that had dancing and roaring conflagrations of tear-shaped bonfires, protruded from the sides of the florid honey-colored stonewall. Their shadows flared and danced all over the place, underneath the brilliance of the radiant light. Hot dew mingling with aromatic smells of delight and scrumptious dishes filled the silent air.

    Twin staircases spiraled out on both sides, slathered with a rosary carpet fringed with sapphire and gold. The carpets ran up, spiraling and spiraling. He could not help but notice the sheer number of weapons: long swords, battle-axes, daggers, bows and quivers, all flourishing the walls to the left. He looked forward, eyes wide, and faced coalesced with both fear (something he had not felt for a long time), and curiosity.

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    • Hmm, alright thanks. I appreciate it, but it's not good enough yet. It has to be better, better than ever. I want to create the most epic battle scene between the forces of Shadowlight and Forces of Pristine Light. It has to better than ever.. .

What Girls Said 1

  • Very descriptive and well written however nothing really stands out. I either have to read more to experience some sort of action or unique quality or judge this as it stands. While its well written I feel like I've read it one hundred times before in other books because there's nothing unique about it. Nothing really grabs my eye or provokes feeling. I can see the rooms you describe and imagine everything. the detail is immaculate and i applaud you there... Keep writing I can tell you have lot of talent, but dont let said talent stunt your growth

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    • Ah, you see, it takes place on Chapter 28, right in the third book of my trilogy. Around page 190 or such. . . I believe so.

    • And yes, you kind of have to read the first two books which happen to be
      1. The Price for Power (Currently editing)
      2. The Eye of Genesis (Standby)
      3. The Roads of Time. (Currently Progressing through)
      But still, it has to better than ever. It's not good enough, not yet, it's never too good enough. It has to become better. . .

What Guys Said 0

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