I've held on to grudges for many years now, and finally met the people I've had grudges on.
They're actually cool now, but I just couldn't let go of the anger and hatred for them.
All of the rumors they've spread, all of the lies, and things they've stolen, all of the insults and mockery.
Their faces alone just tips me off... But I try to be cool yo.
Any ways for me to break these dark flashbacks? The memories of the past haunts me to this very day.
Most Helpful Guy
It's hard to say what your "reasons" are for keeping these past grudges. I can list some basic reasons, non may actually apply to you. But I can take a guess...
- it feels GOOD to become emotionally aroused. Anger and resentment are powerful arousals. And I'm not talking sexually aroused, I'm talking emotionally. It feels good sometimes to even feel sorry for ourselves.
- it feels good to see ourselves as a victim, kinda like in a movie. It gives us a chance to feel like a hero who's being persecuted. Except in the movies the hero over comes and moves on.
- Sometimes we identify with our traumas in such a way that we don't want to let it go... because we fool ourselves into thinking it's part of our story. Maybe you fear who you'll be if you don't have these past traumas?
- Past grudges aren't about the people who hurt us... it's about us. Often we try to pretend we're so angry at people for hurting us, while we completely ignore how we continue to hurt ourselves. The trauma isn't what matters. It's how you internalize that trauma that matters. Perhaps you're still angry at yourself for how you handled things back then, or how you were "too nice" to confront certain people when they were being rude or mean? And now it's too late to stand up for yourself and perhaps this creates anxiety and resentment and even self anger.
The cure is to dig into your own head to FEEL the WHY... WHY does this still even matter?
And when you isolate the WHY it's your job to resolve it within yourself... with forgiveness of course. Not to forget, just to forgive.
I've seen people write down their inner angers and hurts, and then burnt the paper as a symbol of letting go. This type if inner work is what creates confident happy people.
Letting go doesn't mean it's "okay" that others were dicks. It just means that you're old enough now to not be bothered with the past, knowing that in the future you can handle the same issues should they arise again.
Being angry is okay, but it's basically self harm if you try to hold onto it.
This is never about others... it's always about ourselves. What we think of ourselves, how we hold ourselves, and how we show ourselves love. I hope this makes sense.