I've spent over five years of my life living like a dead man walking. I'm only sixteen but struggle with mental illness. I've been recommended counslers and have been vaguely tested for depression but have never actually seen someone or been properly diagnosed. I had an extreme major depressive episode in my sophmore year and went on the brink of suicide. I've told my family and they are aware but they don't seem to comprehend how I feel. Most of the time I feel nothing. Then occasionally I'll have extreme bouts of uncontrollable anger and sadness. I'll cry for hours. I can't handle the stress of school but manage to get A's. I need an insane amount of sleep 10-15 hours. I have no motivation. No drive. I have a lot of friends but I don't really have any emotional attachment with anyone, even my best friend. Even if I don't see them for awhile I don't miss them though I should. I'm terrible. I think a majority of my peers are ignorant and idiotic. I wish I didn't think of them that way. How can they smile so easily? I wish I could. This enviroment I live in is so controlled. School is a small pond that trickles into a large sea. I find social interaction not particulary necessary and spend most of my time alone or with my family. I'm finding I'm turning more and more into a recluse. I've tried many hobbies. I love art, so I stick to it. I'm in band. I've tried diet. Exercise. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad since there are so many people in this world who are worse off than me. It hurts though. I'm so sick of living this way. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have no idea whats wrong with me but mental illness runs in my family. Happiness is such a valuable thing but even I can't seem to grasp it. I keep on falling into the same old patterns. What value do I even have for living? I'm so alone in this train of thought... there's no one who understands in my daily life. My anxiety is overflowing. I want to improve. God, Someone help... please.
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You need to seek help on your own accord and encourage your parents to do so as well. Bombard them if you have to. Otherwise there are multiple free sources for help both online and in person where you can talk to people who can help you. Trust me, I know, I'm a survivor of intense anxiety and depression.
Your mental illness will try to drag you down if you don't start fighting back. I found solace in writing and in a anxiety help group that I found in a local news paper. There's multiple online sources as well, including forums and things of the sort.
If you are desperate and need personal help you are at your discretion to message me, but I encourage you to try and seek help on your own if your parents won't. You also need to talk to them and make it CLEAR you need help and feel desperate for it.0
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