Being forced to go to a funeral?

My mother passed away last Friday and I was very close to her. I took care of her for years and my biggest fear was losing her. She knew I was terrified of ever thinking of her passing. I have a hard time with death. I didn't know my grandfather well at all but I could barely make it through his funeral and the view of him in his casket Is stuck in my head. I wasn't able to sleep for a week or two after that. I can't even imagine how bad it would be going to my mother's funeral. I want to stay home for my own mental health but my grandmother says that I need to go. I know my mother would understand. What do I do? I want to remember her alive. I loved her more than anything but I can't go to her funeral. What do I do?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You don't need to go. Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. As a member of the living if you don't want or need to go then don't. The last thing your mother would want is to cause you unnecessary emotional harm with her funeral. You'll come to terms with her death in your own time.


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What Girls Said 8

  • You don't have to go, it's up to you... and you should do what feels best to you, and let no one tell you otherwise. You know your mother would understand, that's all you need. I lost my mother last year to a terminal illness that involved a lot of suffering and her funeral prayer felt surreal... but even more surreal was seeing her dead body in the coffin. I didn't cry much in front of people right after her death, I was rather calm. Maybe people might have judged me. I don't know, but I didn't give it attention. Others' superficial views and expectations matters little in grief, probably because they don't know what it's like to lose someone when you're young. Grief is personal, and the effect of the dead on the living loved ones is enormous. Remember her in whatever way brings you peace and helps you keep going.

  • I think you should do what makes you comfortable, if you're not mentally ready for such a situation, it's better that you stay home... I'm sorry for your loss </3

  • Just go!!!

    • Easier said then done.

  • Just tell your grandmother that you don't want to go because you won't be able to. handle it.
    But these well be the only time for you to say. goodbye. But it's up to you nobody can force you to go to a funeral.

  • It's showing respect. Even being there for 15 minutes is sufficient, you might regret it later as sad as it is by not going,

  • You should not allow anyone to force you. We all grieve in different ways. Do what is best for you. Your grandmother is doing what she feels is best for her she can't also make that decision for you too.

    Not going to the funeral does not show you don't love or care about your mother.. it is evidence that you are so overwhelmed by grief and can't bare to accept the passing of your mother.

    In situations like this you should ignore what other peoples opinions are and do what is right for you. It is you who has to live with the decision you make so if you go along with what your family wants, then it is the wrong decision. The right one is the one you believe will help with the grieving proccess. I wish she well. Sorry for your loss xx

  • Funerals are for those who are left behind. Don't go if you feel you can't handle it, you can always visit her later.

    • That's what I was thinking. They are recording the funeral so i can watch I can watch it layer.

    • I mean so I can watch it when I am ready to.

  • Don't go to the actual service wtih the casket and all the things you can't handle... but consider going to any after service. Go along with your family to the funeral, but step outside or walk a short distance away until it is done, and then return when it's over. If you have to insist upon leaving, do so. Say you're sick or whatever you need to do. At my grandfather's funeral, the church had a cake and some refreshments after the service... I would come back and be there for your family at that time.

    I am sorry for your loss. Please, do what's best for you, and don't worry about what others want from you. This is not about them. Your mother would understand what you are going through,, and would want you to grieve in the ways that are best for you.

    • I could try doing that. The funeral is going to be long. She was a very loved person by many people. Thank you.

What Guys Said 10

  • Sorry to hear about your mother, first of all. That's gotta be so tough to deal with :-(

    While (fortunately) I can't relate with your particular situation, I think I understand where you're coming from as far as funerals. I'm not a huge fan of them either, because like you, I prefer remembering the person when they were full of life.
    On the flip side, your family will be there and it might help them if you're there as well. And I'm certainly not an expert on mental health or these types of situations, but maybe there's some sort of closure that comes from a funeral service, though I wouldn't say you're wrong if you decide you can get that closure in a different way.
    Have you talked about your feelings with anyone?
    Could you compromise and be there for the service, but maybe skip the wake?
    I can't imagine the pain you must be in man, I'm not much of one for 'prayer' and I don't know you but I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.
    Do what's right for you. A friend of mine (not a close friend, but we were good buddies in school) died a couple years back and instead of going to the funeral, I went for a long walk in the woods (he was an outdoorsy kinda guy) and smoked a joint and thought about the good times we had together and the music he shared with me. For me, that was better than going to a church. So I agree that everyones gotta handle it their own way, and you don't really owe anyone anything.
    Good luck bud, I hope you find peace.

    • Thank you for taking the time to write all that. It means a lot.

  • It is your choice to attend or not, but not attending would raise questions in others that might come back to haunt you. And you may also feel badly looking back.

    I do not know where the funeral will be held, but many places have a separate room for distraught family to stay in. The room provides a way to see the service without people seeing you, allowing you to express your grief or even leave if it becomes too stressful. Something to consider.

  • Just a couple thoughts...

    Can you ask for a closed casket? And would that help things?

    Can you sit in the family-only section? Sometimes there's an area off to the side of the service where distraught people can sit and get up out of their seat without it being a distraction.

    I'd really urge you to rely on the support of loving people right now. You need them, and they can help you. Voice your concerns to more people and let them give you advice and support.

    Most of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm double your age and I can't imagine losing my mom. My sincere condolences, man.

    • No I am still thinking about the other people and I know that they want to see her. I just don't want to go and then have to be sitting outside the entire time because I couldn't deal with it.

  • I feel the same, and try to avoid funerals, but a Parent? YOU HAVE TO!!
    I wish I could say something comforting, helpful, but it really comes down to "MAN-UP, go, talk to the friends, family, whomever comes. Thank them, for whatever they say (you won't remember) but it ISN'T FOR YOU!! THE FUNERAL IS FOR ALL THE OTHERS, and you cannot avoid it, or, it will be bad!! People remember sht like that.
    BE THERE, but think about something else, football, your girlfriend, ANYTHING, so you can be the 'SOLID, LOVING ONE,' for the departed.
    Get through it, then find your own way to 'Let go' and dump all the emotional sht!!
    I went shooting shotguns at cans, until my shoulder hurt so much I felt crippled!!
    Guys feel things different, but YOU HAVE TO BE THERE, but you have to deal with it, alone, later.
    It isn't what most thing you SHOULD do, but I've been where you were, and that's how I got through it!

    • What the fuck am I supposed to do? I am not you I can't do shit. Everything I do to get my emotions out makes everyone else pissed off.

    • I don't want to discuss all these personal things in a group forum!! I would have sent you a personal response, but you posted 'anonymous'. Send me a personal message, and maybe I can help, OK?

  • Listen. I have the same fear as well. I love both of my parents dearly. The thought of losing them still hurts. If you cannot go to the funeral for your sake, do it for your Mother, honor her and show her one last time you are there for her.

    • I won't be able to be in the room during the funeral. I can't take it. I couldn't even make it through planning her funeral. I am only 16.

    • Nothing I or anyone says can force you to be in the room. Just know I believe that you can do it. Stay strong. My deepest condolences to you.

  • I personally when through the same issues last year when my father pasted away. I didn't like the attention nor did I like the idea of attending the funeral.
    What I did.
    To show respect towards my other family members I made sure to attend the funeral. I came with a small group of friends and stayed generally away from everyone else. When the main service part started me and friends sat right at the back. After the main ceremony finished I took a brief final look at him and left with my friends. We spent the rest of the day having fun doing whatever.

    At the end of the day it is 100% your choice what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

  • I don't think you should go if you don't want to. I understand why your grand mother wants you to go, but you should not feel obligated.

    Also, if you go, you don't need to see her in the casket. Not all cultures even have that tradition. During my parents funeral, the funeral home asked if we wanted it to be open casket. Maybe compromise with your grand mother and say you'll go if it's closed casket? Either way you shouldn't be pressured to go.

    • With my grandfather I stayed on the far end of the room away from the casket but I just saw a glimpse of the side of his face and that was enough to permanently stay in my head.

    • Maybe try talking to your grandmother again. Be firm that you really aren't ready to deal with it.

      If that doesn't work, is there a priest going to be there? Maybe talk to him, or to the funeral director. They are both used to this kind of thing and know how to handle it. Maybe they can talk to your grandmother or suggest something else you can do. Like maybe go, but stay outside or whatever.

      Funerals are for the living. It should be about whatever is best for them. Nobody should be judging how others deal with it. If you aren't up to going, there is nothing wrong with that. Does your grandmother have anyone else to go with? Or will she be going alone?

    • She has my brother and sister but she wants me to go because she is closer to me. Her son is going with her though. I thought being in the hospital with her when she went was traumatic enough.

  • You could request a closed casket service.

    • That's kind of selfish. I know I am terrified of seeing her like that but everyone else wants to see her

  • Damn Man. This is your Fucking Mom! It s not about your you drama Queen Bitch! Be a Fucking Man and take the tampon out of your Vagina!

    Stand there! Say something about her? Whet she meant to you!

    Life isn't always about your own selfish needs! This question honestly disgusts be you cowardly pussy!

    This is your family, HONOR THEM!!!

    • How dare you judge him.

      He's a 16 year old kid and you don't know what he's going through, what his life has been like.

      Grow up and act your age instead of behaving like a douche.

    • @DodgersGM... You're a LOSER! STFU!

    • Was it even necessary to say this?

  • you should go, it is good for closure

    • What do I need closure for? I know that she is gone and there is nothing I can do. I was in the hospital with her when she passed away