I just do not know how to feel?


My eldest and only brother has had Hiv since he was 17, and now he is 20. But the thing is, like quite some time ago, he now went from having HIV to having full blown aids. Honestly I have been just heartbroken along with my family, just seeing what the virus is doing to his body. I have been trying to talk to him, but he hasn't been responding. I just feel so hurt, because you will never know when that times comes... I just can't. Just thinking about it, makes me cry and go numb, even while typing.
It breaks me having to see this and watch him go through this, and him not talking to me is just breaking me even more. We ( my sister and I, and him) did a lot together, and for eachother. I dont know what will happen when we lose him. I just dont. Having to bury your brother possibly between now or 22, is just traumatic to think about. I did not want to be placed into a position where I would have to see one of my siblings buried. But it is something, that I will just have to except. I understand that he doesn't want us to see him like that, but I just... I just can't. I don't want to go to sleep one night, and waking up the next day finding out about him no longer being here.
But what makes things even harder for me, is having a boyfriend in the marine corps bct, and usually I tell him everything. But now with him gone, and me not wanting to upset him or make him worry about me while training, I just simply can't tell him.. at least not yet. So I am feeling so alone. I just dont know what to do?

Usually I am a pretty tough chick, and people dont see me cry. But with this situation? I break down instantly, but of course I would he is my big brother, and I love him to no end.

Updates:
*About not talking, and how would I be able to cope with this... like once he is gone? I should be only living in the moment, but it's hard. How can I do this, when I this is occurring to one of the most important people in my life?

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What Guys Said 1

  • When the day comes and you will have to start living your life without him, remember that he played a vital role in your life beforehand. He helped shape you into the person you are today and with that in mind, don't let it go to waste. Live like he would have wanted you to.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Do you have a church family that can pray for you or support you emotionally through this time? Do you have a trustworthy best friend who can be there for you while you go through this? Can you get a small pet to care for? Do you have a place that needs volunteers that can help you get your mind off this?

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  • Nobody can tell you how to feel. My brother had the same and he's gone now too. Really, there's nothing you can do or anyone can say to make you feel better. I've really got no words for you, because what can anybody really say? Nothing will change it or make it better. Just want you to know you're not the only one and people understand. There are support groups too. And do speak to your boyfriend, he would rather know you can talk to him and know he can give you a few words of comfort than find out later you were struggling emotionally alone.

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