A follow up to the "If looks fade" question?

If we agree that physical attraction *is* important (and I believe it is), why do some people tell the physically unattractive paliatives like, "well looks fade" when attempting to encourage them to get with people they don't find physically attractive?

I have a friend with FAS, and people are (stupidly in my opinion) telling him this all the time.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's just their futile way of comforting someone. What else can they say? There's nothing they can actually do about it, so why not just leave it up to time and circumstances to take care of it?

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    • Well, I believe that silence is better than a flawed solution. Thanks for stopping by.

      By the way, in some cases, many perhaps, I believe there is something that can actually be done, but these untrue palliatives aren't a solution.

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    • Very true. Most are either just very compassionate or very blunt.

Most Helpful Guy

  • They say it to try and lessen the importance of physical appearance and to try and make the other person feel better.

    I think Louis Ck made a good point

    https://youtu.be/aUgQPzq6ifc

    "if you feel bad for them you can go and fuck them and solve the problem"

    But obviously nobody wants to do that, instead they will give them an empty cliche like "beauty fades" "inner beauty is why truly matters" or "theres someone out there for everyone/everyone is attractive to someone". They feel like they are helping but in most cases I dont think those are anything more than nice words. Id even argue that those cliches benefit the person saying them more than they do the recipient. After the quick bliss of the nice words passes, the other person is still lonely while the person who told them the cliche feels good for thinking theyve made a positive impact in the other persons life.

    The last phrase is especially funny to me because I translate it as "Someone will find you attractive, not me or anyone I know personally, but someone will find you attractive. Now go find them".

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    • "Id even argue that those cliches benefit the person saying them more than they do the recipient."

      I think that's probably true in many cases. I do think that some people might actually believe the cliche.

      What show was this from? I think I might want to watch the whole routine.

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    • We seem to be drumming up some interest here.

What Girls Said 3

  • Well, because if you get to know someone and fall in love, they start to look attractive to you, even if you initially thought they were ugly..

    So therefore, if you start to get to know someone and you start to like them, and the ONLY thing preventing you from actually starting a serious relationship with them, THAT'S when this type of thing would apply. ... Because let's say, this person WAS in fact attractive, and you like them just as much as you do, you'd be with them, and his/her looks will most likely fade away anyway!! Because we can't really stop time, and only few remain attractive with time... So in the end if you like the person, what's the difference? None!

    But if you don't like the person, and you're not attracted at all, I wouldn't say go for it! Cause it might not work out, because physical attraction MUST be present, even if it's a small percent, it must exist to have it work out... Which is precisely why "looks fade", would apply to someone who has somehow gotten to know someone hat they didn't find attractive at first, but now find themselves attracted to that person, even if they are in fact un appealing... Because to you, since you've learned to like the person, you WILL find them attractive, in a different way... Thus physical attraction is present, which means the relationship has very good potential in working out!

    I hope that makes sense.

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    • Yes, I believe I understand you.

      However, I don't agree with you (though I'll try to remain respectful).

      "Well, because if you get to know someone and fall in love, they start to look attractive to you, even if you initially thought they were ugly.. "
      It has been my experience that those instances are exceedingly rare. They are quite common when the person has no attraction or neutral attraction, but in the case when the person finds another ugly, I believe it is EXCEEDINGLY rare that they will actually find this person attractive if they found the person ugly. It is, I think, the exception to the rule.

      "So in the end if you like the person, what's the difference?"
      The difference is that physical attraction over time forms a bond that has a staying power all its own. It was happening in the case of my marriage. It happened in the case of my parents marriage. It happened in the case of my aunt and uncle's marriage (the latter marriages having lasted past 50 years)

    • Tell me, at what point should a person call it quits if they are repulsed by touching this other person, even though they like the person's personality? This happened to me. I called it quits after 9 miserable months. Should I just have held on longer? 18 months? 5 years? 10 years? A lifetime?

      And don't get me wrong, she truly had a wonderful personality. I want for her happiness. But I found her physically ugly. I know I did the right thing, because I met my wife, who I was wildly physically and emotionally attracted to.

    • Then clearly!! You did NOT understand me at all. It was expected.. Which is why I said I hope that makes sense. I knew you wouldn't understand.

      I said Physical attraction MUST be present, for any relationship to work. Even if it's a small percent, it MuST exist!!

      Liking someone's personality? Alone? will NOT guarantee the relationship to work, it could, it might, but it's highly unlikely!! And so is finding someone attractive, whom you did NOT find attractive initially, but just because it is uncommon, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Because the truth is, that it DOES happen.

      If you like someone's personality, but never actually find them attractive, you can keep liking the way they are all you like, but it's not at the level of "romantic" or "intimate" relationship because there's not attraction!!

      Liking someone's personality ALONE, only means you can get along with them, which means FRIENDSHIP!!

  • It's usually less attractive people who say that, I've noticed any way.

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    • Really? I have found it to be just the opposite. I have noticed it's usually attractive people saying it to unattractive people.

  • i dunno... I like good looks!

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    • We all do.

      Tell me, do you think that looks might have a staying power all their own? I kind of think they do.

    • Yah probably. (: Because if you look adoreable you kinda of only see the pretty side!

What Guys Said 2

  • FAS = Federation of American Scientists? www.fas.org

    If looks fade, feelings and touch can stay excellent.
    Otherwise, all 50 yo couples would be suffering or divorced.
    But if attraction is based on looks *only*, then there's a divorce or cheating waiting to happen. (Hence the serial marriages in Hollywood)

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    • I don't see how this really answers my question as to why people tell others "Looks fade" to people in an effort to encourage them to try dating people they don't find attractive when virtually every one acknowledges looks are indeed important (myself among them)

      Feelings and touch will only stay excellent if you wanted to feel and touch this person in the first place. If you were never found this person physically attractive, or worse, outright ugly, then you almost certainly never wanted to touch them in the first place. So what are you left with?

      We are in agreement that an attraction based only on looks is a disaster waiting to happen.
      I'm talking about in cases where the person might find another person to have a wonderful personality but finds the other physically repulsive. I would say that is equally a recipe for divorce and cheating. Having been in one (and exactly one) such relationship, I resolved never to do it again, nor foolishly advise anyone to do it themselves.

    • And yet I see so many people advising exactly this. I would argue that a relationship based *only* on personality with no physical attraction whatsoever (or actual repulsion) is headed on exactly the same course as a relationship which is based "on looks *only*" It's headed for unhappiness and failure.

      FAS means Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

      I believe physical attraction has a staying power all its own which lasts beyond youth. It was in the case of my marriage (no, it wasn't only based on looks, but that was admittedly a component... and I am unapologetic about that). It was in the case of my parents marriage. It was in the case of my aunt and uncle's marriage. These were people married for more than 50 years.

  • Well, i'll still be more attractive when I am 60, than you are now

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