Any good jokes?

Anybody have any good jokes? (Woman jokes accepted lol)

Updates:
A man and woman were fighting when the woman asks why he never looks from her view. The man walks to the kitchen and looks out the window 😄

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Most Helpful Guy

  • How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?
    Two more if I move my bike.

    A farm girl goes to the doctor in town for a check up. He asks for a urine sample but she just went pee a little while ago and can't go again. He says 'that's fine' you can just take the cup home and in the morning pee in the cup and drop it off tomorrow. So the next morning she pees in the cup and gives it to her little brother to walk it into town and deliver it to the doctor. On his way, her brother, board of the walk stairs to find himself tossing the little cup up in the air and catching it. Eventually he misses the cup and it falls to the ground, lid comes off and spills everywhere. Not sure what to do now he looks around and happens to notice an old pig about to take a piss. He quickly runs over and holds the cup under the pig and fills it up. Satisfied that he saved the day, continues on his journey and delivers it to the doctor.
    Three days later the doctor calls the farm girl. "I don't know how to tell you this" he says "it's the strangest thing, you are pregnant and about to have a litter of piglets."
    The girl let's out a long sigh. "you can't even trust a ring of sausage these days!"

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This isn't really a joke (more of a pick up line) lol :) "If I said you had a beautiful body... would you hold it against me?" Someone actually said that to me and I died laughing lol :)

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What Guys Said 21

  • As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

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  • Loool, you gave permission for the women jokes, and now that's all they're posting.

    Here's my 2 cents
    9gag.com/.../the-best-of-twisted-confession-tiger

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  • What did the elephant say to the naked man?

    "It's impressive, but can it pick up peanuts" ;)

    1.bp.blogspot.com/.../...is+naked+art+of+photo.jpg

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  • So Mickey and Minnie mouse are in divorce court. at one point the judge says to Mickey: ".. but you say here your wife is crazy!" to which Mickey replies: "i didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy."

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  • Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?

    Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million $?

    Wife: of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.

    Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1Million $?

    Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy!

    Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1million $?

    Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!

    Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting with Multimillionaires, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay Bastard!

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  • My ex girlfriend asked if I though she would bump in to anybody we knew in town... I said with that arse you'll bump in to everyone in town... wonder if that's why she's now an ex ;-)

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  • What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

    Harry made it out the Chamber

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  • What is funnier than a dead baby?
    A dead baby in a clown costume.
    What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
    No one cries when you chop up the baby.
    What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
    One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
    What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
    Dart-boards don't bleed.
    What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
    About 500 calories.
    Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
    So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
    Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
    The family used it to crack nuts.
    Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
    They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
    Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
    So you can see the expression on their faces.
    Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
    So that if its born dead they can make soup.
    Why did the baby cross the road?
    It was stapled to the chicken.
    How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
    It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
    How many babies fit in a blender?
    Depends on how powerful the blender is.
    How do you know when a baby is dead?
    It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
    How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
    Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
    How do you save a drowning baby?
    Harpoon it.
    How do you turn a baby into a dog?
    Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.
    How do you turn a baby into a cat?
    Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.
    How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
    With a blender.
    How do you get them out again?
    With Doritos.
    How do you make a dead baby float?
    Take your foot off its head.
    or:
    A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.
    What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
    Blood brothers.
    What is red and is creeping up your leg?
    An abortion with homesickness.
    What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
    Stillbirth.
    What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
    Crib death.
    What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
    Art.
    What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
    A baby in a microwave.
    What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
    Baby with slashed floaties.
    What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
    Floaties with a slashed baby.

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  • A skeleton walks into a bar and sits at the counter. The bartend walks over to him and asks what will you have? The skeleton goes "I'll have a mop and a beer."

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  • Dallas cowboys gonna win superbowl lmaoo

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  • It's the Jews' fault that the Titanic sunk.
    Why? She was sunk by an Iceberg. Iceberg? That must be a Jew.

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  • What did one woman said to another?
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    .
    .
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    Look ! Purse !

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  • A prison van collided with a cement mixer on the freeway today. Police have warned motorists to be on the lookout for eight hardened criminals!!!

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    • A ship carrying Red paint collided with another one carrying Purple pain. Both crews are thought to Marooned.

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    • hahahah its okay, thay can go on their donut break :p

    • Brilliant... i like it. 😄

  • Two women walk into a bar. One says ouch 😂

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  • why did Adele cross the road?

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  • Is a Race joke ok?

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  • we dont need your permission. we'll make women jokes anyway... .

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    • Good lol but I'm gonna be making them with you

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    • the brunettes go ehmm.. 5*

    • Hahahhahahah I'm brunette 😝

  • A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

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  • My girlfriend called me a pedophile and I was like "oooooh big words for a 12 year old"

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  • A blond & brunet are walking down the street. The brunet said "ewww look at that dead bird" the blond looks up & says "where?"

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  • There was once a man fucking a pregnant woman when he got an unexpected blowjob

    And then there's the Gooseberry joke

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIXfIVR9iOk

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What Girls Said 1

  • How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    nobody knows it hasn, t hapend yet.
    Why does it take 5 womans to change a light bulb with PMT?
    CAUSE IT JUST DOES RIGHT!!!

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