Has anyone ever been brainwashed or coerced seriously?

Hi,

So my partner has recently been coerced/brainwashed by his mother into thinking our really great relationship is not worth being involved in. I know you are all thinking 'well if he could just ditch you he obviously doesn't love her' and this isn't the case at all.

Last year his father passed away and his mother started laying things on thick (again please dont judge me as she lied to my partner about this so I am not being heartless she had years to prepare for his passing while it was a shock to my partner) and saying how she wanted him to break up with me and move back home. She started involving his extended family (aunt, uncle, cousins) and saying I wouldn't fit in etc because they believed her stories so well and they haven't properly met me.

So anyway last week he moves out of our place while I am at work behind my back. He forgot something which I had no problem giving him but she convinces him I won't give it back. She insists she comes round with him to get it and after politely asking her to leave repeatedly I told her I would throw her out, so I ended up trying to throw her out but as I was completely unprepared I did not manage this. She starts threatening me and being vile and all I could do was shout at he to get out. She was vile. Granted I swore at her but that was it, she was just plain old nasty.

I have seen him a few times since and I ask him why he can't see what she has done with the manipulation etc. He said 'I have known her all my life and only known you 4 years' I mean COME ON!!! I know he loves me but I believe she has actually led him to believe that if he goes against her he will have nobody. He said to me the other day 'My mum would do anything for me' to which I replied 'evidently not or she would have accepted me'

(please see the rest in update below)

Updates:
So this seems to be a case of being parental conditioning where they withhold love to a child and give it only as a reward, he was always left to his own devices to a point of looking a bit dim sometimes. His maths and spelling are terrible, his reading isn't great... This is all stuff a child with a good parent tends to excel in as he is not stupid, he is capable its just his dad was the one who was more focused on him, not his mother and he worked away an awful lot.

(continued again)
So has anyone been brainwashed and coerced? I need to know how I can help him see this to break him free to live his life, trust his decisions and regain control. I know you think it is a case of just standing up to her but he has been put down for 28 years and convinced not to trust his own mind...

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your boyfriend has an abusive controlling mother. However, as long as he lets her do this, he can't be a good partner for you. A good therapist could help. In the meantime, don't sacrifice your happiness.

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    • he is the key to my happiness. I love him and I have had a lot of serious relationships and after all the crap I have been through he makes it all worth it... I need him to see... all of our friends say its like watching a victim of domestic abuse go back to their partner when he moved back home :(

    • It's sad but until he breaks this cycle he won't be there for you. How long are you willing to wait? You might have to wait until his mother dies. You are pretty young, it could be a long long time.

    • Lets say we have not broken up like she thinks so I am hoping she will stop bitching about me and give us time for him to remember how much he loves me... things are going better for us being together in secret right now and when she finds out she will go ape and he should be able to stand up to her...

Most Helpful Girl

  • Me last week. This woman came to my register, and wanted $500 on two gift cards so totaled about $1,000 plus fees. We small talked as I scanned her stuff, and I pressed the button when I saw that she was gonna pay with what I thought was a debit card or credit card. She was nice and asked how long I worked there, I told her five months. She told me she used to work with the same company at a different location as a supervisor when she was 21. I thought that was cool blah blah blah..

    As all this was happening, I have no clue if she swipped her card because I was distracted like a dummy (apperantly she did swipe a gift card that had only $4.12 on it which is illegal, can't load a gift card with a giftcard) Anyways, these options start popping up on my screen which made me assume she did swipe her card. I had never done that before for giftcards (I guess cuz it was a large amount) so she walked me through it.

    It asked for her Drivers license number which she verbally gave me (which is my violation of the store policy, im supposed to physically verify her id) there was other options which I didn't read and pressed every button she told me to press like a dumbass. And the very last part I was skeptical because I had never pressed this for giftcards, I was really iffy and icky feeling in my stomach, cuz the button she wanted me to push was just to print the receipt if I voided something of an order that left the customer's balance $0.00, basically saying the paid for everything that wasn't voided (my supervisore showed me before). I second guesses that notion and I wanted to call a manager I had NO clue what I was doing..

    But I pushed my bad feelings aside and gave her the benefit of the doubt because "she worked at X company as a supervisor" I didn't want to inconvieniece her. So I assumed she knew what she was doing (in a good way)... Even after she left I kept thinking about it, "I hope I'm not short" because I had that gut feeling my shift was nearly over. 10 mins later my shift is over and I count my till, sure enough I was $1,000+ short.

    I told my supervisor, had to talk to a police officer, etc... She had done this felony before so I wasn't the first. But I'm still surprised they didn't fire my ass. If I were a manager, I'd fire me.

    Everytime I think about this, I feel so terrible, people tell me it's not my fault, but idgaf. I was gullible as hell and it shoulda been common sense.

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    • So I can imagine how he feels, helpless like it's his fault or something. And tbh I don't know how to get out of that cuz I still feel guilty about my situation. I would quit if I wasn't so scared.

    • This is a thing called sleight of hand and they were very good at it. I used to work at a bank so know once someone tries to distract you then its a bad sign... You know for future reference. Forgive yourself, it could have been much worse!!

      Thanks for your opinion on this, I mean my partner has been conditioned his whole life over 28 years... :(

What Guys Said 2

  • hi its not being what you think it is. Its his mother and she know what is good or not so if she thinks you aren't worth him then go away

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    • again, you know nothing, she controls his money etc and so you know I am a very good person with a very good job and a very good reputation, if I am not good enough, nobody is.

  • Sounds like you're better off without them.

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