I finally got my badge and uniform and will finally start working Friday but I rear ended someone. Who happened to be a detective. I know it happens but I still don't feel good.
Someone tell me a joke or just tell me how your day is going?
What Guys Said 13
"All right, I'm gonna tell you a great joke."
"All right. Little boy on his 13th birthday. It's time to get laid."
"So he goes to the lady at the whorehouse, he goes, "Miss, look, I know usually you want money, but I don't have any money and it's my birthday. Do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"
she says, "Yes, I'll do it.". So he goes in there, gives it to her."
She loves it. She goes, "You know what? If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back." It's like getting laid twice for free."
"He used the duck as payment, and now he's being paid back the duck. He goes, "Oh my God, this is the greatest birthday ever." He does it again. Now he's walking home, right? Walking..."
"So he's walking home, now he can't wait to get home to tell his father. Right? He's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, voom, truck comes by and runs over his duck."
"Killed the duck."
"The duck is dead. The kid starts crying, truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean..."
"The guy feels so bad about killing the duck, he gives him two dollars."
"He's ecstatic! He got laid twice, and now he's got two dollars on top of it."
So he goes home, his dad goes, "What happened? What happened? Tell me! Tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked-up duck!""
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A man wakes up in his bed remembering nothing of the party he went to the night before. He sits up in bed with a splitting headache and notices his robe and slippers are sitting out for him, and there two aspirin on his bedside table with a glass of water. Puzzled, he takes the aspirin and goes downstairs. He finds a pot of coffee brewing and his wife making a huge breakfast for him. "What happened?" He asks. His wife says "You came home completely drunk last night, puked on the neighbors lawn and then passed out on our yard, wetting yourself." "Well..." he says "So the nice treatment?" His wife says "Well, when I was grumbling and trying to get you out of your clothes last night, you came to long enough to say 'Get off me, woman! I'm a married man!'"
A woman learns she has a terrible illness, and breaks the news to her friends over lunch, with her daughter at her side. She emotionally tells them how she is dying from AIDS. On the way home, her daughter says "Mom, it's your show - but you have incurable cancer. Why did you say AIDS?" The mother replied "I don't want any of those bitches thinking they have a shot at your Dad."
Three prisoners who are condemned to death are given the choice between a straightforward execution or being infected with HIV. The first prisoner opts for a quick death rather than potentially suffer for years. The second opts for HIV, saying that he'd rather live as long as possible. The third also opts for HIV. As the executioner injects him, he begins laughing maniacally. He continues laughing as they walk him to the gate of the prison and release him. Finally, a guard asks him what could possibly be so funny when he just got injected with HIV. The man answers, "You can't give me AIDS, you idiot! I'm wearing a condom!" and takes off running.
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?"
Nonno and his new bride went golfing with Silvio and his father the next day:
Sorry to hear that Ginny! Don't worry, things will be fine! i just fixed my car after a crash my mom had with it. The good news is that you are fine and just got light damage to it, so, in a month or two it will be just a bad day you once had :) dont worry!
Congrats on getting your badge! I suck at telling jokes so I'll just tell you about my last couple days. At work I sold 4 more warranties the last two days so thats a bonus of almost $15 to my check. That will still be nice none the less since our sales are slagging right now. Anyways sorry you're feeling rough *sending virtual hugs*2
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. at one point the judge says to Mickey: "... but you say here that your wife is crazy!'' To which Mickey says: ''i didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking Goofy!''1
Wow that sucks, I guess your ok, I'm almost done with work today1
My day was boring
Been playing uncharted which has been fun
A blonde once went to Disney world
It said DISNEY LEFT.
She turned around and went home.1
Day going bad. While I was taking my final for my class a group member deleted my portion of a paper I wrote, deleted my name, and place on name on slides that were lower quality then the ones I made. So yeah my A went to at least a B now.1
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What Girls Said 11
I woke up this morning five minutes after I usually start walking to get to school.
I finally arrive and my class is nowhere to be seen.
I get to class eventually and start working on an image to get it done. For the third time in two days the program stopped responding and shut down, taking with it an hours worth of work.
Made the decision to take my 1700 dollar laptop back the moment my course is finished. I think I must have gotten a faulty one because my very expensive Alienware seems to enjoy behaving like the cheapest of ACERs. Thats a fuck load of money to spend on a laptop that is ultimately only going to screw me over.
So yeah, thats my day so far.
Im not having a good one.1
Congratulations on your badge bet you feel like a badass! :) I wish I could cheer you up, but I'm having a bad day. Been suffering over this guy I really like. I can't eat nor sleep properly for days now.1
Well my days are pretty wasted to be honest. I spent me days sleeping because I can't stand being awake. I'm setting up a business and sometimes I'm awake for days at a time, others I'm lifeless for days. Trying to work myself out of s bad place1
I'm not good with jokes, haha.
My day has been pretty good. For once I wasn't complaining about something and for once I truly didn't give a shit about all the crap stuff happening in my life. I just feel... indifferent.1
Graduated college and now enjoying post grad life by applying to jobs all day. Had one interview so far so that's good. But still always worried no one will want me lol1
Congrats on the badge :)
I'm doing OK. Comfy in bed.1
Hmm, sorry to her that :( well my day have been okay, my big brother came today and he'll be visiting for a while, which is nice. I've missed him1
Why did the chicken cross the road?
-He didn't, he was too chicken to do so.2
i've been up for 24 hours and i want to go to bed1