Why does my mom do this? Advice?

My mom is always claiming that she wants to help someone. The only thing is that when she does she always expects something back in return. To be honest my mom hates hates helping people and she pretends that she loves it. My mom told me that she was going to drive me to and from work (i was willing to buy a car or take public transport) she said "no no i AM going to drive you back and forth everyday" when she said that i refused because i knew there was a catch. So everyday she kept her word, but all she does is complain saying "You got me driving you in this traffic to work... i dont want to do this... you are trying to use me" and all she does is yell and scream how I need to get my own self to work and not have her drive me because she took off work to take me. Then she will use driving me as an excuse to get what she wants. Ex "Since I drove you to work you could at least pay for dinner, or I missed work to drive you to work you need me. She always uses that as an excuse to play victim. Its annoying because i dont want to hear that and that is not the case. Advice?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Your mother "wants" to help because, as you (and any siblings) get older, she feels less useful and she has built her identity and her ego around being a mother. (Lesson #1: When you are a mom, always have some serious interests that do not involve your children.)

    Once your mother helps, she needs to hear how important she is. . . I'm guessing that you don't tell her that (and I know why.) She then needs some proof that she is still important, so the price she extracts from you is something that validates her importance. (Lesson #2: never force someone to tell you how important you are. Statements made under duress don't mean anything, the duress causes resentment, and the one who you want closer gets pushed away.)

    Your mom needs to know how important she is, so maybe you should try spending some time with her (painful, I know, but she is your mom) when you don't need to. For instance, suggest that you both go get your hair "done" (I'm a guy, so I have no idea what that means) and then go to lunch on a Saturday morning. Surprise her with a coffee mug that has "World's Best Mom" printed on it. You get the idea. Appreciate her in unexpected ways. . . and then have a conversation with her about the way it makes you feel when she does those annoying things. Talk to her in a way that sounds like you want to improve your relationship and not in a way that sounds like you just want an excuse to complain.


Most Helpful Girl

  • If you know she always wants something in return, then don't accept her offers. If she asks why, then tell her why.


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What Guys Said 1

  • She's a miserable person...


What Girls Said 1

  • is your father around?
    I agree with what OlderAndWiser said.

    my mother in law is the same way, thats why my marriage didn't work out.

    she has to live her own life.
    she is using you to feed her insecurity.