What to do when you have low self esteem?

Honestly, I'm a train wreck. No matter what I do, I never feel like I'm good enough. Not only am I short, but I used to be very overweight. I thought that once I lost the weight I would feel better about myself, but here I am... 75 lbs lighter and finally normal weight, but I still feel like shit. :(

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried practically everything but I just can't find any confidence. I'm extremely lonely, and there is nothing I want more than the comforting touch of a girlfriend, but I just don't know how to get one, and I don't think I'm good enough anyways.

I was told that women like confident guys, but I just don't know how to become confident. Does anyone have any tips or anything they can offer to someone with low self esteem?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss! That's amazing, well done! Be proud of yourself for that :)

    Losing the weight didn't change anything because you haven't healed your heart. Those external things can help, but they're not everything.
    Your height doesn't matter at all :) as an example, a friend of mine is shorter than me (I'm about 5'5) and he has a lovely girlfriend. Prior to that, he dated many women. He's a great person and that always shines through, even for shallow people.

    I've used affirmations many times over the years, and saying them regularly really does help. If you're willing to try something a little different, you can read the affirmations out infront of a mirror... you might find this weird and / or challenging, but looking into your own eyes is a great way to do it... how often do we truly look at ourselves?

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    • If you'd like some examples of some good affirmations, I'd be happy to give you some. It's important for all affirmations to only have positive words in them i. e don't use the word 'won't' or 'can't'.

      I'd also suggest writing down some of your goals and taking steps to achieve them. Do you want to travel? Study? Learn another language? If you continue living life the way you are, things won't change.

      Getting out of your comfort zone will also help. I know it's difficult to take a step into the unknown, but it's good to push past that and challenge ourselves! I've put myself in many uncomfortable situations, but in the end I'm always glad that I decided to do that. I've learned more about myself, experienced new and exciting things, and it's really helped with my confidence. The more you do, the more willing you are to jump into other uncomfortable situations.

    • Thank you. That helped a lot

    • You're welcome 😊 glad I could help.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I would probly say that the only way of doing that is being yourself and doing what you love doing. As much as you want a girlfriend dont focus on it, put it aside because you will find one eventually. Do your thing whatever makes you happy. Dont do it for others. Be positive dont be shy around people be outgoing have your own personality thats what confidence is all about being proud of who you are and standing up for it. Bro im skinny but fuck it my personality attracts women and right now all i have is female friends and i dont have a girlfriend because none of my frmale friends are the ones i want to date ( actually there's 2 i want to date but they're taken) and ny friends are hot they get numbers on a daily basis but none of them im interested in. So its all about the positive energy you give towards women and other people. How do you do that? When you meet a girl dont talk bad about yourself. Tell them the besstt things about you and your goals and what you're working on for the future and how you see yourself in a few years and of course add a few jokes into it and you will see that women will find you attractive and will want to talk to you because your fun to talk to and because your a great person whos also working on himself to feel better about himself and he's not doing that because he wants to be normal. Just be happy and NEVER EVER talk bad about yourself to anyone because people will feel bad for you and will push you away cause your the person that everyone needs to help to make him feel better! Good luck man!!

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What Girls Said 21

  • high self esteem comes from not letting things *happen* to you but instead making things occur. create things, gain skills and improve urself by imagining life as a video game and each achievement u unlock gives you experience points.

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  • First off, change your mind set. If you're just going to think you're not good enough then that's going to show in your "aura". People are going to notice that and that's a huge turn off. First you need to start off by listing things you're not confident about, and based off that list you need to choose the ones you can actually change (having glasses, pimples, weight, personality). You can change your confidence by smiling at yourself in the mirror, finding things that makes you feel sexy (working out, cooking, whatever it is) and you can gain your confidence by hanging out with people that will help you gain that. Wingmen! They're everywhere, you just have to find them. If you're a nerd and you surround yourself with nerds and you feel that's bringing you down then change yourself (not saying you're a nerd). But changing who you're with can help you build or break yourself. And you obviously haven't tried enough to gain your confidence, I say this because I was in your shoes. I was a loner, got bullied, overweight, I wore glasses and I never had a boyfriend up until high school. I joined a sport, lost weight and met great friends, I got contacts and groomed my eyebrows and learned how to wear makeup that complimented my features. I hated my body for months even when my boyfriend said I looked fine, so I started working it and now I love it, even if it's not perfect. I googled how to be confident and not insecure and worked hard to be that. You should too.

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  • This makes me so so sad that you feel this way !!! Especially when you worked so hard to lose some weight, you deserve to feel confident ! I wish that I had some great advice for you but sadly I feel the same way. Maybe you could try seeing a therapist who could help you get a new perspective on things? I know it can be hard to love yourself when you dont think others are going to love you. But i realy think a lot of girls are able to see past whats on the outside and still want to be close to you. I think you should just remember that looks really are NOT everything and you shouldn't let insecurities about your appearance keep you from meeting people. Just look at how many people replied to your question because they care about helping you !!

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  • Write down 5 things you love about yourself, whether they be physical or personality traits, and put it somewhere where you'll see it every day. The more you internalize your innate qualities, the more you will build off of those to realize your intrinsic value.

    TRUST me, there are super fit guys out there who are the most insecure, overcompensating deuche bags on the planet. Then there are guys who are maybe more average who are the sweetest and funniest guys who get all the girls due to their awesome personalities. I promise you that at the end of the day, a girl just wants to be with someone who makes her feel special.

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  • Think I might have a solution! But it's up to you to embrace it. Here's what you need to do. First before I tell you I'm going ask this, Do you really want self confidence? Then why do you keep beating yourself down?

    Here is the keys... So before you can focus on another human you need to be right within yourself. Well how do you do that? You need to find what you're passionate about, you need to engage in activities just for the thrill, have your career, have a goal have an aim... You need to find yourself and who you are.

    Once you've seen who you really are what you like and etc... You need to embrace your vulnerabilities. That is your deepest fears.. Could it be lack of eye contact start giving more eye contact. Could it be lack of speaking up, or speaking outn or comminicating, could it be you hate your laugh? All of those fears you need to know you have them and you need to accept that that is also who you are, and you need not fear when it comes out. Practice displaying your deepest convictions and accepting them.. Just do it... Don't run accept it... Because the right person will love you for you...
    Stop comparing every body even whom you think is the best in the world has ugly imperfections that'll turn you off if you knew them more..

    Once you accept yourself and be content with loving yourself and not needing anybody else nor there opinions...

    Then only will you have confidence and be loved for the real you!

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    • In response to your first question:
      I think you might be on to something. I haven't given it much thought, but if I'm being honest, no, I don't really care about being confident.

      What I want is happiness, and I believe the best way to get it is by finding someone who loves me. I was told that I needed confidence for that to happen...

    • Well I'll let you do the research... "Will a relationship make me happy?"

  • You've got to learn to love yourself before others can love you. The key to gaining confidence is not comparing yourself to others. Then you'll be happier with yourself. Focus on yourself and your own progress. Getting a girlfriend is a temporary solution to a deeper rooted problem. Focus on you and your happiness for now.

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    • How could I not compare myself to others? How can I possibly compete with the millions of gorgeous men out there? It's not something you can just push to the back of your head and carry on with...

    • If you can't compete then what is the point of constantly dwelling on it? I can't compete with Victoria's Secret models but who cares, the average person isn't a Victoria's Secret model! Everyone can find someone more attractive than them, but focusing on that gets you nowhere. Just work on your mindset and you'll get confidence and then look better to yourself and others. I know so many guys who are overweight but they are confident even though they know they aren't society idea of attractive, they can make fun of themselves, and are funny and I find them attractive and so do other girls. If you give off positivity you'll feel positive and girls will like you.

    • I agree with this. I'm not fit nor fat and I get along with strangers and I leave good impressions and it helps that I have a twin. We make fun of each other and I love it. I have days where I feel fucked up but it passes. I don't dwell. I make fun of it and remind myself of some achievement, a joke or some drawing

  • Surround yourself with people who celebrate your strengths, not your weaknesses. Doing so not only feels good, but it also helps solidify positive thinking.

    When you have low self-esteem, it’s common to think of yourself as a complete and utter failure. But failure is part of success. It doesn’t characterize you as a person or determine your self-worth.

    Wishing you the best of luck.

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  • 75 lb weight loss is incredible. Good for you dude! Finding your way out of low esteem is a process. It won't necessarily happen suddenly, and don't think you have to reach complete confidence. Girls like all kinds of guys. It will involve any changes you welcome and regular pep talks for yourself. Welcome any improvement. Go to a shopping mall and see couples of all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages together. Most of them are normal looking people. You are your own unique person who will attract someone just for who you are, and you are given just one body in this life. Be good to yourself, and use this body to find happiness dude. Who cares if we aren't perfect or magazine cover beautiful? I know I'm not. I'm just glad I am healthy and my body works.

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  • i eat cake, stop giving a shit about what people think of me, smile, make other people smile, read jokes, read, watch romance movies, search for ugly people on the internet, watch youtube on how to lose weight, attempt to exercise, give up, lay on the carpet thinking of all the things ill do when im finally beautiful, study so i feel smart, plan my life ahead of time, plan a gap year for when i finish highschool, figure out how to get my dumbass in college after gapyear, try to find coins around the house for my gapyear fund, do something stupid make memories, come to this site to find answers, give answers, snapchat, cook, eat, sleep, learn to love, learn to live, try to be inspirational but fail miserably...

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    • everybody has a point in life where there at theyre lowest... and from there the only way to go is up, maybe in a month, 6 months, a year, how ever long it takes you'll feel way better about yourself and have more confidence... Want a girlfriend? well put on your big boy panties and walk right up to a girl you like say something sweet and then ask her out... aim high and stapp letting little things like your height and weight effect your confidence.. but if all else fails move to asia, Asian girls dig western guys... its a fact i live in japan. all Asian girls are skinny which affected my self confidence but i got over that and so can you.

  • Everyone has low self esteem even celebrities and the most beautiful person in the world suffer with low self esteem. Blame it on society because society tells us how we should look like to be attractive. Just try to make yourself happy and accept yourself. Everyone don't look the same and life would be boring if we're all alike. Just focus on you and hopefully someone will show up in your life without u expecting it. 😉

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    • The media doesn't change the fact that some people are attractive, and others aren't.

    • What do you mean? How old are you?

    • Self steem changes how attractive you are perceived. As long as you think you look like shit, the rest of the people would think the same

  • I wear make up, do my hair, put on some nice clothes.

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  • Weight doesn't solve issues at all the way people think it does. As you mentioned in your post, your relationships do. You're sad because you're discontent with your relationships (not having a gf). Maybe try to occupy your time with things so you're not constantly thinking about this, and if it will happen it comes naturally. But just like weight, though relationships are a key factor to happiness, simply having one will not fix you. I got a relationship and an active social life but was miserable. Why? Because the relationships were dysfunctional. It sounds counterintuitive but surround yourself with anyone who makes you feel good, even family members. Do things you're good at. Try to think more positively. This will raise your self esteem, making better relationships more likely.

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  • The key to being confident is learning to like who you are yourself, if you can't do that then showing others your confident won't work

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  • I feel insecure everyday. I go have BDD 😔

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  • I look in the mirror and go "you r hot"

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  • When my self esteem is low, I usually swim laps or write, to remind me what I am truly good at :)

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  • I get low self esteem when I overload myself with more then I can handle

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  • Aw I feel sorry for you. I'd date a guy with low self esteem, it wouldn't bother me.

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  • Fake it till you make it.
    And stop remembering everything bad anybody says and start remembering the good.
    Remind yourself often why you're so amazing and why people are lucky to know you.

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  • Affirmations saying them in the mirror every morning it must be something that compliments yourself i know it may seem a little weird but try it, if you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror then write something good about yourself down each day, also self -esteem springs from doing something and achieving/results, it can be anything small or big it will give you a boost, it all builds up self esteem.

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  • It's hard to just become confident. I've mentally been at around the same place you are now and although it improved, I still struggle sometimes.

    Becoming more confident takes balls and work. You have to actually step up to strangers and talk to them and sometimes it will go wrong and you have to accept that. In my case, I went to uni, where nobody knew me yet and t wasn't weird to make new friends and went far outside my comfort zone. I stepped up to another girl who stood alone, said "you look as lost as I feel" and suddenly had one person who liked me.

    Find your strong parts and use them to make up for your weak parts, instead of only dwelling on the weak parts. Are you strong? Smart? Humoristic? A good singer? Anything you can use to make friends! The confidence comes when it works and you don't have to fake it anymore.

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What Guys Said 20

  • the onlt thing i can suggest is to find a new perspective on things , because right now you have to retrain yourself for the new you that you worked to get. but now you have to work on the hard part which is making yourself look like you have what the girl needs.

    dont be so shy or reserved if you see a girl you like make it look like your interested in her without coming across as a creepy guy and i know from experience being over bearing with a girl can have a bad fall out effect lol not a good thing at all.

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  • Therapy. People, esp when they are younger, think negatively about therapy. but the right therapist can do wonders. You have to be willing to say "this isn't working" if you don't have chemistry with them though. but don't take that to mean if they don't agree with you. A good therapist will call you on your bullshit. I have almost no self esteem or self confidence during my divorce. But after it I started working on things and with the therapist, and a lot of luck dating online, it skyrocketed. Most have sliding scales so if your insurance does not cover it, they can usually work things out and make it affordable. Give it a try.
    But you have to be willing to be an open book and listen.
    if you go in there and don't tell them 100% truth and 100% of all the things that are a problem, regardless of if you might be embarrassed, then they cannot help you.

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  • Honestly you gotta take who you are and make it into something unique. Myself for example. For my prom I went in sweat pants, a sweat shirt, simple tie and a bandanna. I got a lot of compliments on it as no one had ever seen that before and thought it was kinda cool. When a slow-dance song came on I got out there, wrapped my arms around myself and gently swayed my body back and forth. Everyone around me was smiling and getting a kick out of it and so was I.

    My advice is instead of being confident, just be more "out there" and make it seem light-hearted. If you go out and try and be all sexy and confident but fail you'll look like a idiot and lose your self-esteem. If you go out and try and be as blatantly casual about it in a cool, fun twist then even if you fail you'll still make yourself, and others, smile. Don't get down, it gets depressing at times but there will be that one girl who finds your odd behavior and playful, care-free charm extremely appealing and might even make the first move for you.

    You said you lost some weight, great! Now make joke around about it, or joke around about your height. If you can make fun of yourself then you will slowly become too confident for other peoples' opinons to touch you. Then BOOM, you're all set.

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  • I know how you feel, I think I am going to try to loose weight also, I am not really big, just need to eat better and actually exercise. But I have been a loner most of my life, no girlfriend or sex or anything. though while I was a loner, I started going to movies alone, going to concerts alone, going to bars alone. it may not help with the loneliness, but it will give you a strange confidence or maybe a who cares type of attitude. two years ago I learned how to make an electric guitar, now I am trying to make another, but a bass this time.

    you have to find something to identify with, I have kind of always had music, whether it was just listening to music, not that pop dribble, but real music, made by real musicians and bands that write and play their own stuff. many times they have stories that are more relatable. don't let other people bring you down, especially people that love you.

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  • 1- Get out of your comfort zone everyday: this makes you experience all of what life has to offer

    2-now that you have a lot of experience: find what you love and keep doing it. Find something and master it. It could be traveling, gym, programming, sport, music.. etc. Because when u are good at something, it boosts ur confidence infinitely

    3- lastly, it is hard but you have to learn to love yourself. Whatever u clothes u wear or gym u go to, nothing will give u true self-esteem but you. Meaning, u really have to learn to love yourself. Don't lie to yourself that you are beautiful or whatever, no.. U gotta find a way to believe in it by changing your perspective!!! for example, i look in the mirror and say to myself "gosh i love ur brown hair man" or "gosh i love ur belly fat its so cute". This sounds rediculuous but I do believe in what I say to myself because i looked from another perspective.

    Good luck

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  • The key to high confidence and high self-esteem, is to focus on your positive traits (as "small" or "insignificant" as they may be),

    and (this is the hard part) accept your weaknesses without dwelling on them, remember that NOBODY is perfect, and EVERYONE has traits about themselves they wish they can change.

    ------

    If you embrace the above, you will become more confident with yourself. #IGuaranteeIt

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  • "What to do when you have low self esteem? "

    I read courage wolf memes
    www.google.com/search

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  • Its easy and difficult at the same time: You learn to value and respect yourself. You learn to love yourself for and despite your shortcomings. And you work on improving yourself.

    The difficult part is that there is no blueprint how to. You just do or you don't.

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  • You need to care less about what others think of you and you will eventually break out of your shell and show who you truly are. You're still young like me and there's time to mold into a flourishing adult. Step out of your comfort zone and don't be afraid to fail. Failure is what makes us stronger and will cause you to try harder.

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  • If you can see a therapist it could help. I felt the same way in my 20's got into a horrible marriage, saw therapist for a couple of years as the marriage failed. She helped me a lot.

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  • Fake it until you make it :P

    Stand like a confident man, get the gestures of aconfident man, and talk like a confident man. Eliminate any wording that diminishes yourself or makes you look insecure.

    Try to become an expert on something.

    Work out.

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  • You lost over 30 kilograms! I have trouble shedding 5 kilos. How'd you do it?

    P. S: if you answer my question, i'll come to a point i hope might help you

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    • I starved myself. Wouldn't recommend :/

    • If you starved yourself that means you used your willpower to fight your natural urge. You didn't get hospitalized or anything, right? That means you did good. Not many people have that kind of determination and now you know you have something. The next thing to do is find something you love to do (doesn't have to be a popular thing) and poor the same determination in it. By getting good at something your confidence increases.

      Another small tip. Try talking to people in real life. Anybody. Ask your parents about their childhood experience, ask a shopkeeper about which hair product he/she thinks is best for your hair, anything. Short or long conversations don't matter.

    • Yeah, i guess i am pretty stubborn lol

  • Pretend to be confident, smoke good weed that relaxes you no more approach anxiety, don't go after them, pay a hooker, join a club start working out

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  • Spend more time outside. Practice sports, for instance.

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  • Keep on keepin' on. It's not going to get better.

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    • That's reassuring

    • Show All
    • @chintita You catch on fast.

    • LOOOL. Ignore this guy, OP. That kind of attitude won't get you anywhere.

  • my only advice is give it all u got in life and accept who u are.

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  • Self-loathe?

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  • Be better.

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  • I know how you feel. I was overweight in my teens, and when I lost weight and was very skinny in my twenties, I still felt terrible about myself and built an emotional wall between myself and women. I didn't date until my thirties, and after several disastrous relationship attempts, I have shut down again and retreated behind a wall. I'm still a virgin.

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  • on tht faggy tyme cuz

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