Is there ever grey area in rape?

So another question got me thinking about something that's been on my mind a bit. And this question may be a bit hard to read for some but it's something I can't discuss other places.

Leave now if this stuff bugs you!

Anyway a while back I was on a date with this guy. We'd been going out a while and honestly I planned on having sex or fooling around with him that night. We had dinner and a LOT to drink then went back to a hotel.

We'd both had a lot to drink and I was feeling really nauseous and so I just laid on the bed and told him I was gonna sleep for a bit. He started kissing on me and stuff a bit and I was shoving him off but not really resisting that hard.

Anyway a while went by and I woke up and he was on top of me and my shirt was pulled up and pants/underwear were off and he was trying to penetrate me. I got really mad, I shoved him off, I asked him to take me home.

The next day he apologized. We went out for 3 months more. I don't consider him a bad person. He was drunk and out of it. I wasn't traumatized. I was annoyed but I got over it. I don't think he deserves jail time. I don't consider myself a victim.

Am I totally fucked up for this? I think in 99% of cases guys that do that deserve jail time. Is there something wrong with me that I basically see that as no biggie?

This question is hard for me to ask so please don't rip to shreds


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your feelings are your own: if you don't feel traumatized that's ok, be glad that you don't and don't let yourself be pressured by people who get a kick out of making you confess you feel traumatized and vulnerable and then helping you.

    I think this particular case constitutes attempted rape (what if you hadn't woke up?) But that's using my personal definition and that's really the crux of the matter: there's no universal definition of rape and even people who agree on the wording of some definition attach different connotations to those words. Most people are of the opinion that rape is always bad and should be punished and they then proceed to choose a definition of rape that fits their inherent sense of what they intuitively find bad in the first place. Sometimes these people can be tricked into following a less strict definition but still maintain the idea that rape is always bad so they start advocating punishment for things they don't find intuitively bad... Other people adopt a textbook definition of rape first and then figure out it applies to some situations they don't find intuitively bad so they say rape shouldn't always be punished. There is no single right answer, and notice how all of this would still apply if I replaced the word "rape" by the word "murder" or "cheating", or "stealing", etc...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I've had grey area experiences too, although mine did get me mad.
    I was friends with benefits with this guy who had a large dick and took ages to come. It often hurt after a while. One night he was a bit rough, I was in pain so when it got too bad I said 'sorry Im hurting could you please stop?' And he went on. I asked him to stop several times more and he didn't until I got really mad (he was on top and I couldn't get out). Afterwards he was even mad at me for that. I wasn't in the mood anymore to help him out any other way.

    Later I gave him a second chance but we kept fighting and we sort of stalled the benefits part. But one night I needed a place to crash, I asked if I could come over without doing anything and he agreed. When we walked towards his house together that night I again said I only wanted to sleep, nothing else. So we slept until I woke up pretty much the same way you did. He was touching me everywhere and trying to get inside me. I was extremely sleepy and grumpy because he wokd me up (2 hours after we webt to bed, I later found out) and had to talk to him for 30 minutes to get him to stop, not being able to fully wake up the entire time. His reasoning was basically 'I was awake for 2 hours and was way too horny and your 30 minutes of agony are nothing next to my 2,5 hours of agony, so Im really the victim here'. In the end I got him off. The next morning he tried it again and I somehow allowed him to just because he pushed me so much. That was the end of the friends with benefits thing, I still hate him for it but have to put up with him because we still have mutual activities. He's gotten more complaints from other girls.

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What Guys Said 11

  • 1. Well ideally when both of you are piss drunk everything's a grey area
    2. For one you did intend to have sex or make out with him
    3. He was as stoned as you were
    4. Your meek pushing didn't really constitute a resistance especially since both of you were drunk
    5. When you woke up and pushed him off he backed off and did what you asked him to
    6. Next day he even apologized and you guys went out for 3 months
    7. Rape is a serious thing - don't try to weaponize it please.
    8. He doesn't deserve jail time

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  • I don't think it was rape, more likey being oblivious as the moment you made it clear he stopped. I don't drink and thus have never been drunk so I don't know the affects of it but if you had planned to have sex with him then I imagine you "implanted" that idea into his head ie you flirted made out what have you thus giving him an unconcious signal of it being okay, and as for being drunk I don't know maybe he didn't realize that is what you where doing, I know it can really screw with cognitive function and what not so it seems perfectly reasonable that it was a miscommunication excaserbated to a greater degree by the alcohol.

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  • Yeah I believe it was just a bad drunken mistake made by him. Like you said the intent was there you just got home and started to feel how drunk you really were lol it has happened to me before. I don't believe he deserves jail time and yeah there is always grey areas in anything especially with 2 drunk people. If he would waited it would of been fine. That said I do love waking up to morning bj's by my girl. Some people can claim that's rape but we've discussed it before. She's the one that brought it up lol.

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  • I mean... I'm not so sure about that situation. He tried to penetrate you while you were unconcious 😁 But he stopped when you told him to and as you say he was completely out of it, so it's not as bad as dragging someone behind a dumpster to fuck them.

    But yeah there are definitely grey areas, often a lot less clear than the situation you talked about

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  • I had ever read a theory from a court prosecutor in German who say that should not be crime cause that just come from sexual shy.
    I understand her. It is all are grey area for me.

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  • no your not fucked up, he shouldn't done that to you, but the main thing is when you got mad and shoved him off and asked him to take you home and he apologized after that. and also he was drunk.

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  • He shouldn't have undressed you and stuff when you where sleeping, but you told him no and he complied.

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  • I really don't think that was rape because he stopped and apologized as soon as you shoved him.

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  • of course, rape by blackmail or rape by deception.

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  • Well done you have accepted it happening and forgive him. He did well. It is not a biggie. Rape is not as serious as seems. This serves as a message to women not to overdramatic rape.

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  • It isn't a biggie, sometimes somethings just do get out of hand and alcohol and drugs does play a part to this.

    There are many grey areas to rape and sometimes it is best not to cry rape just because one changed their minds too late.

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What Girls Said 5

  • If you say NO and express that you don't want it, then it becomes rape. You need consent for sex, so if the victim is unconscious and can't consent to it, that is still rape.

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  • I think a grey area would be if consent was given prior and the person falls asleep during and the other person keeps continuing. The consent was there so it's not rape, but it kinda makes you a little scum baggy and weird if you keep going. In this case nothing happened so of course it wasn't raped. When you told him no he stopped. Everything prior must have been consensual and you did plan to sleep with him. The point is, he listened when you said no.

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  • You're not fucked up. Everyone is different in their experience both because of their own perception and because of the actual situation. I'm sure if something like this happened (god forbid) on a night bus by a group of strangers who outnumber you, it would be a very different experience for you. But as is, it didn't affect you like you might have expected given the situation.

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  • No that's still rape and it's in no way okay, but jail time and being labeled a sex offender will ruin his life. I've had something similar happen to me, and although I do consider it rape, I am no where near angry or traumatized enough that I would ever report him. I guess it is kind of a grey area.

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  • Well, in your case you stood up for yourself, pushed him off and he stopped which is probably why you don't feel traumatised. I guess the grey area would be if someone never said anything or tried to push him off or away. Please understand I know some people do freeze in traumatic situations and I'm NOT trying to discredit those people, just there are people who regret (or something) having sex with someone then pretend it was rape.

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