What does it tell you about a person if he/she hates and is hated by every single ex he/she has?

I have two friends like this, one male one female. Ironically, both were involved in a friends with benefits situation with each other which ended amicably. However, the both hate and are hated by every single ex they have.


0|0
26|19

Most Helpful Girl

  • I've met some people like this. I don't think it's healthy, especially if enough time has elapsed (bitterness from a *fresh* break-up is another animal entirely).

    __

    I suppose I should say what I think IS "healthy" first.

    In my experience, people who are overall winners at life DO NOT hang onto bitterness, grudges, or hateful feelings -- even toward people who have SERIOUSLY fucked them over.
    This doesn't mean they don't *learn* from whatever failed relationships/incidents/encounters -- that, they most certainly do (which is probably the single biggest thing that makes them "winners at life", imho). But it means they don't hold on to the negativity.

    To be honest, in MOST of these people, I think this is just the consequence of a natural personality/outlook characteristic.
    It's not so much "optimism" (= believing that everything is good right now); rather, it's more "agathism" (= believing that "everything happens for a reason", and that everything will work out for the best IN THE LONG RUN). Having that belief system just really helps people let go of shit, move on, and live in the reality of the here-and-now without dwelling excessively in the past.

    In the few people I've met who have this ability (to let go of hate) for whom it ISN'T natural... they've learned it the very very VERY hard way. Mainly, by having lost someone or something very significant in their lives because of hanging on far too long to *previous* bitterness and mistrust... but then they finally learned the lesson from THAT loss.

    But, regardless of whether they come by the trait naturally or by hard-won wisdom, this is something that basically ALL "winners at life" have, in my experience: They don't hang on to hate. They LEARN from bad shit -- and they're pretty good (not perfect, but, pretty good) at not repeating past mistakes -- but they let the emotions fade away.

    Also, significantly, this trait is (to a certain extent) common to humanity in general:
    http://www.BBC.com/news/health-27193607

    The winners-at-life just have it in spades, even more than the others.

    When it comes to ex-partners, I personally think it's EVEN MORE incumbent on people to move past the hate, and to remember the things that brought them into relationships with those people in the first place.
    All too often, people focus on the negatives that make their ex's into "ex's" -- but they forget about what made them PARTNERS in the first place! I mean, this isn't

    2|1
    0|0
    • even like we're talking about some unmitigated sadism that was just perpetrated on some unwitting bystander... we're talking about two people who WILLINGLY got into a relationship WITH EACH OTHER -- presumably for at least *some* semi-constructive reasons. So that's even more of a reason to get past the hate.

      In the worst-case scenario -- which would be an ex-partner who was more or less entirely out for themselves, and who manipulated the person into a relationship purely to use her/him -- EVEN THEN, after enough time has passed, I think the manipulated person should still see that relationship as a hard-won, brutally honest Life Lesson... "Here's how you WERE vulnerable to manipulation... and hopefully won't ever be again."
      And, of course, these kinds of awful experiences are very often the ones from which we learn the most about ourselves in the least time -- so, in the long run, anyone having had one of them can at least be grateful for that, too. But, no matter what, it's

    • absolutely necessary to get past the hate.

      __

      Having said all that --

      If someone just CAN'T seem to get past the hate... I'm concerned with why not, because I know that holding on to that kind of shit is ultimately going to hold the person back.

      I don't really judge at first, but -- largely because this is so different from myself (I get over shit so fast that my friends joke that I'm "not even a forgive-and-forget person, but just a forget-and-forget person") -- I take a personal interest in that person, and try to empathize, and figure out what's going on and what's keeping them stuck in that mold.
      • Is that relationship still concretely affecting the person's life (thus "renewing" the hate on a regular basis)?
      • Has that person been drawing some kind of personal inspiration from that relationship (e. g., staying in physical shape just to spite an asshole ex who called her fat)?
      • Or any other insight?

      Basically, I just try to see where the person is coming from. I don't think

    • it is ultimately healthy to stay in that head space, but, at the same time, I know that healing is something that takes vastly different lengths of time for different people -- the same thing that takes some people a few weeks to get over, might take years for someone else.

      But, at the end of the day, the best I can do is listen, understand, and offer any wisdom I think might help the person.

      As for being hated BY their ex's, honestly, I don't think that really reflects on the person her- or himself that much.
      At the very most, it might say something about the partners that she/he tends to pick -- and/or about HOW she/he tends to go about breaking up with those partners -- but, in most cases the data set will just be too small for this to really mean anything (it's not like we're talking about twenty or thirty people here, right? lol)

Most Helpful Guy

  • This question reminds me of a girl I dated, she at 13 was molested by her dad, went all kinds of wild after that. She dated one boy at around 17-18. He overdosed and died. Then there was a few real bad ones, one was from Cali (we live on the east coast), he threw her across the room and ended that relationship, then there was one guy named mike was all nice for about 6 months, and before she could end it he just shoe horned himself into her life and they lived together for like 1 year. He ended up cheating on her in front of her house and that resulted in her punching him 1000 times.
    Then there was me who she is still upset over the loss of her ex who overdosed 8 years ago and when his death anniversary comes around she goes full bitch mode and no one can do anything right so I was cut off. She didn't want to talk to me so that ended and she let some guy from MN do the same thing as the guy mike and that also ended with her attacking him. But for me, she wanted to be friends again after I sent her all the nude pics she gave me. I just wanted to keep things civil but she wants to act like it was an "Oops!" and I look at it like "what did I get a hooker for 6 months of my life? NO!".

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 25

  • I think it tells you that they probably don't have very good relationships.

    It could simply be that all their exes were dicks,

    but the more likely situation if it was ALL their exes who hated them then maybe THEY were the dick, or both parties were dicks.

    My boyfriend seems to hate his ex but whether or not she hates him, I don't know.

    I have 2 exes, I am not super keen on either but the first one was okay though a bit passive aggressive and self pitying, I don't hate him but I think he may hate me since he didn't take the break up well at all.

    My 2nd ex, I don't hate exactly and I forgive him for acting like he did and cheating on me but I don't really want anything to do with him - I'll be polite but I really don't want to talk to him, don't want to be friends, don't want to be around him, don't want to be in his company. Put simply, I just don't want him.

    He however, seems cool with me and will still cheerily try talking to me as though we're best mates if he see's me.

    I pretty much just talk to him in a way that makes it clear I am not his friend and don't want to be around him when he does.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It tells me that either they always end up with the wrong kind of people to date, or there is actually something really wrong with how they are dating. I am the type that has to investigate the who issue that causes there to be a problem in the first place. Number 1, they had 'friends with benefits'. It always fails. They hated each other because each and every one of them got attached to the sex emotionally and when the other became a offender, naturally it ended very badly. That was their fault. One thing that this does tells me, is that if there is some kind of problem they have that they cannot get rid of, I would never consider dating or marrying them. You always have to have sound judgement about such a situation as this. There is a pattern here, and you have to see where the puzzle fits into their problem.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Seems to me they may be perfect for eachother, but at the same time you can't control how other people perceive you when breaking up withs someone, not everyone can mature about it. It depends on what went on in the past, if they are afraid of commitment or cheaters etc.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I wouldn't say that it means they aren't good people to date, but I would say that when things take a turn for the worst they probably don't handle bad situations in their relationship well. It seems like they don't care to be polite or make amends with their previous spouses once things end. They are probably hard to deal with too while they were in a relationship so their exes are just like screw this.

    1|0
    0|0
  • It probably means that he/she has a dysfunctional personality. I’d even go a step further into saying that he/she’s dominant personality traits may be problematic and troublesome. It’s not unlikely for things between exes to go all the way wrong, but HATE? Pure hatred, the type of hatred that sets root and clenches onto you for extended amounts of time? That’s reflagish.

    1|0
    0|0
  • then they are definitely suspicious.

    1|1
    0|0
  • That tells me that the problem is with them and not the exes. That they were miserable people in the relationship and probably single handedly destroyed it. That also tells me they are damaged on the inside and need to do some serious self reflection.

    0|0
    0|0
  • If s/he hates every single ex s/he has, that means s/he's not completely over them because they still engender some type of emotion. Often, s/he feels betrayed, in some way or form. If s/he is hated by every single ex s/he has, I'm pretty sure it's because of the mutual feeling (anger) between them. Maybe, they just didn't end right. Ever heard the quote, "When love turns bad/sour." That's probably not the whole quote but it ends up BAD. >~<" Anyways, I'm pretty sure someone did something to provoke that anger. Honestly, if they still hate each of their exes, it's either them feeling betrayed (because they're loyal and would NEVER cheat), or most likely, they hate them because they don't want to feel guilt and blame themselves for what they lack of. They're probably the one who cheated but that's my conclusion. I'm only 16, don't take what I said too seriously. xD It's all just hypothetical.

    0|0
    0|0
  • The fact is, a positive, happy person will see the good and a negative, angry person never will. But it should set off alarm bells if you find yourself dating a man or woman who hates everyone of their exes and is convinced that every breakup was 100 percent their ex's fault. It's almost never just one person's fault. But then we are normal. We know that.

    0|0
    0|0
  • That doesn't say anything about the person because two people who get out of a relationship i'm not expecting the two to still love on another. I don't worry about that persons past of course ill ask about it but my concern of everyone hating him no it wouldn't bother me.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It shows that they're the problem. Generally if someone hates all their ex's they're not someone I would consider dating. I'm friends with two of my ex's and I think it's healthy to forgive and forget.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It either means they are not kind/ reasonable people or are not wise with choosing their partners

    They are unable to have relationships because of qualities they lack

    0|0
    0|0
  • "Does not play well with others." :)

    1|0
    0|0
  • That he/she is bad news.

    0|1
    0|0
  • They're assholes and cruel during a break up.

    0|1
    0|0
  • I usually think abuse, probably the person is a narcissist or is borderline

    0|0
    0|0
  • That they are the problem

    0|0
    0|0
  • They're probably perfect for eachother

    0|0
    0|0
  • They are someone I should not date

    0|0
    0|0
  • S/he is trouble and you will be the next in the haters' list

    0|0
    0|0
  • Wait... are we talking about Taylor Swift?

    I'm a little late to this discussion party, but all joking aside, I generally think that if they are hated by their exes & hate their exes, there is something iffy about their character. Like, not a single one of their exes like them? (there is an exception though... what if they've only been in 1-2 relationships... that's only 1-2 exes, so I mean, you can't really get a good picture from that.)

    Also, you said those two ended amicably, but it's probably because they never had anything serious; all they had was sex, pretty much. That being said, they had no special bond/emotions/attachments/commitments with each other.

    I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I consider myself a very good judge of character. With that being said, anyone that I've ever met or come across that is like the people you described, I haven't had good encounters/friendships/etc. with them.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't know, my ex's are still in love with me and i'm trying to get rid of them, so i couldn't say exactly but if there is so much hate involved then it could be the ex was wronged in some way and still carry a grudge.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Then something went terribly wrong

    0|0
    0|0
  • Well misunderstood people are also hated for whatever reason, besides you have to had loved someone enough, or thought hard enough about someone to ultimately hate them so strongly, so just maybe the problem also lies with the ones doing the hating.

    2|0
    0|0
  • It tells me that possibly ur friends either hurt the people they were with or some feelings developed between them & the people they were friends with benefits with and things just went sour. Or its the opposite maybe the people ur friends were involved with were mean to them & mad cuz they left them & moved on, I don't know lol.

    0|0
    0|0

What Guys Said 18

  • It tells me that they are REALLY bad at choosing partners, or someone with their own ideas, and confidence that I might want to meet!!

    1|1
    0|0
  • Sounds like a good advertisement for friends with benefits - My inkling with these two is that they are not emotionally mature enough for any relationship and someone has to play Devil's Advocate to advise them to only enter in a relationship with another person that is for keeps because any relationship failure seems to end in a complete mess of loathing and acrimony - One final thought by the sounds of them you would be a lunatic to take the Devil's Advocate role with that pair

    0|0
    0|0
  • I get along with over 90% of every girl I ever dated. Even my exwife. But I do have a friend that doesn't. He is always unhappy within 6 months of the relationship. In the beginning of each, he forgets about his friends, until it starts going down hill, then it's, your my best friend. Well his latest girl happens to be the nicest and the prettiest one ever for him. Now he has become aggressive with his friends and me when she's around. He's losing friends fast. He was always liked by everyone, but not lately. I know I'm done, the closeness is gone.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Some people are not well suited for monogamous, committed relationships.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Well apart from them probably being a really grumpy person, there is the small chance that they were just unlucky to come across dicks all the time.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Hate is a very powerful word.

    These people made poor choices and could be blaming others for it.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It depends, if the person hates all their exes I assume they are a shit person.
    If they are hated by all their exes, then I assume they may have had a crappy taste in partners.

    If they both hate and are hated by their exes I would probably think they are batshit crazy.

    0|0
    0|0
  • If they are hated by all their exes, there really is only one common denominator.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Probably just means she still has some issues to hash out with them that or it was a sting of bad guys

    0|0
    0|0
  • Check please! I'm out the door.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Not much

    0|0
    0|0
  • That they have strong opinions whether justified or not...

    0|0
    0|0
  • Not nearly as bad as a person who is liked by all his/her exes.

    0|0
    0|0
  • They must be a bad breaker upper.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Either they have bad exes or they are bad news

    0|0
    0|0
  • it tells me to stay away

    0|0
    0|0
  • That they hold on to relationships until it inevitably goes to hell when they should have ended it a long time ago. I have a friend like this. So committed when he has a girlfriend he doesn't see they are sucking the life out of each other. The "lose yourself to the relationship" group normally attract each other.

    0|0
    0|0
  • he's got game

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...