Is it wrong for me to be jealous of her?

So there was this girl in my classes. She seemed sweet and down to earth.

However I guess because I wasn't studying properly and acting like a bitch in my group projects, she also changed. And started reacting back.

Our friendship/acquaintanceship whatever it was, soured. I think there was a little envy on both sides.

I later realized she had gotten honour roll that year. And the year before that. And the year before that year. It made me wonder, how perfect was she in her courses for her to get honour roll... wow.

I don't know why, but I almost can't live just knowing that she's better than me and that's unhealthy. Plus like I said, I don't think she's that big of a fan of me either. So I cut her off but with a lot of regret.

I wish her well in everything and realize this is MY problem I just feel so bad. Like I'm nothing because I didn't work as hard as she did.

Updates:
3mo I wonder what she thinks of me cutting her out (deleting her from Facebook). I am not really a rude person (even though I know she thinks this).

I just think it's so unhealthy for me to be around her even on Facebook right now. This comparison thing will drive me mad.
3mo I almost feel like I committed some kind of crime by not working harder.

I think this is the real problem. Not understanding that it's okay to be happy with what you have and not always think the 'right' thing to do is be better

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Most Helpful Guy

  • So yeah it is wrong for you to be jealous of her. So stop. She's worked hard to be where she is , why hate on her?
    And why does it matter that she's better than you? Are you really that shallow? Are you really that self centered? Are you really that immature? If so then I pity you because the world will eat you alive

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    • 3mo

      Because I got robbed of my ability to do well. I took 2 years off of school and that really, really affected my studying abilities. It's not that I didn't work hard, I just couldn't ever get back to where I was.

      It's not about shallow or self-centred. It's about this whole perfect thing. 4 years honour roll back to back... that's crazy. It's hard for me to be her friend when I don't really understand her.

      Like I said I don't wish badly on her or want to hurt her. I just can't really move on with my life if I keep thinking about her because I didn't do well and there's nothing I can do about it anymore.

      Plus I think a lot of it also boils down to how girls treat other girls. If she was genuinely good to me, I'd be more inclined to like her, but she was so so.

      I think it's unhealthy for me to be friends with her that's all

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    • 3mo

      For some reason I feel like you don't like me at all. Women get jealous of each other all the time for silly things like this person looks better than me. I'm far from it.

      I don't know why this girl bothers me so much. I'm more attractive, (way more) and I'm richer. I think it's the sincerity of actually sitting down and doing well at school. It's hard to gather up that motivation.

      Do you think she realizes it? Especially since I deleted her for no reason?

      Also, she isn't exactly all good. I'm pretty sure there was some envy on her part as well because I'm naturally a terrific public speaker and she is very shy around people.

      But I don't think it's on the same level as my 'jealousy'.

      Which is big of me to at least admit it unlike a lot of people who won't

    • 3mo

      Part of it is also my mother. If someone hurts me in any way or form, I'm still somehow the bad guy if that person is a better student than me.

      So it almost makes me compelled to want to be better than others in some kind of thought process that thinks if I'm better then people will believe me more.

      A lot of this has more to do with my mother than I think even the girl.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It's what us women do sometimes, we get a little insecure about ourselves when we see another woman who has it all because we want to have it all too but don't. We're either jealous of other women because we're comparing our self to her, she's either a lot more attractive, a lot more funnier, a lot more this and that and we're so focused on that, that we can't see the good traits that we have. Women are also very competitive with each other, some of us just can't stand other women because we want to be the alpha female. Its like the jungle, lions fight each other for dominance... we do the exact same thing sometimes. So its understandable why you were jealous, everyone gets jealous of somebody sometimes.. but just because she has all that doesn't mean your not doing great yourself. Instead of hating her, use her as inspiration.. tell yourself if she can do it.. then so can you. hope this helps.

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    • 3mo

      It does help thank you for writing this.

      I think the problem here is that she wasn't really entirely good to me. So naturally that caused resentment to an extent. Then when I sat down and just thought about it...4 years of honour roll that's a lot of work... it just made me feel more embarrassed at my behaviour towards her.

      Plus because I took 2 years off from school, my ability to do well at school reduced significantly. And hence it's not really that I can't do well (although maybe not as well as her), it's just that circumstances were like that.

      I'm more attractive than her, (quite a lot more), and richer. So i think it's almost like I feel that this one thing, that she does better than me academically puts her above me in some way which isn't the way it should be or something like that.

      I hate myself for it. For being jealous I mean. I don't think I'd ever wish badly for her I just wish I could stop feeling so lowly about myself

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    • 3mo

      This is for asker not @BeittBratt2416 - sorry still new to Gag and I keep forgetting that part lol

    • 3mo

      You know something that I find to be pretty interesting?

      Like I mentioned this girl wasn't exactly good to me. Maybe if she was I'd be more inclined to like her. But the fact that she wasn't good to me pricked at me. When I realized she did so well, it made me feel as though yeah I get that she's good at school. Good for her. But it doesn't really mean she can treat me the way she wants to.

      I remember for example one time in a presentation she had wanted to slide through. Which was understandable completely. But she actually was talking behind my back to this other guy and telling him that I tried to control people and she should get to slide through etc.

      That's not very nice of her. If she had a problem with me she could've told me to my face.

What Guys Said 3

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  • Is it really important who's wrong and who's right? Get better, if you want to be better.

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    • 3mo

      It's important to me. I am not normally a jealous person, neither am I a bad person. Like I said in my post above, I wish her well, it's ME that has the problem here.

      I don't think it's about wanting to be better. It's more like, the fact that she works harder bothers me. Like how could someone even want to work that hard.

      If there's one thing I learned in University is that it is surprising how little you retain of the information thrown at you in your courses after you complete a course. I barely remember anything out of my economics courses for example.

      But the actual process of sitting there for hours and hours studying, it's gruelling and not easy. It does make me a little bitter that she's able to not only do it, but also keep her sanity while doing that.

      Sometimes I wonder if all that studying in University is worth it, and if there actually is an outcome for it. It made me realize maybe what I need is a job to help me use my education.

    • 3mo

      I am hoping once I start working I can see a more direct connection between understanding why we do what we do at school.

      But for now, I just feel bitter. I think it's important for me to stay away from her while we're still fresh students because I feel horrible. Maybe 2 years down the road I won't, but right now I do.

      So it does bother me that I am capable of feeling jealous due to thinking that that person has worked harder=that person is better than me.

      But what I don't understand is why I picked her out of all those students to be jealous of. Maybe because we had a sour friendship or I spent more time with her. Lots of students are near perfect and for some reason it doesn't bother me that much

  • Well, then work harder.

    It is not her fault you fail. It is yours.

    You need to work for success. It isn't handed to you. Don't take out your lack of effort on successful people.

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    • 3mo

      You know, I thought about it a lot.

      What I realized I don't like about this girl, is that she doesn't like me.

      And that's actually pretty true. I don't know why, but when I'm around her, I have this gut feeling like she wants to hurt me.

      I think I realize on some level she is not really smart. She is hard-working and gets results based on that hard-work. So it's perfectly possible for her to not really like me because there are times where I'm a direct threat to her.

      I scored higher than her on a subject we both took for example.

      I thought about it a lot and figured that I don't think she is going to lose sleep over the fact that I cut her off. So it's just best for us to not be friends.

      I'm not gaining anything by this friendship and neither is she. So just like it's not wrong for her to do better, it's not wrong for me to not want to be friends. That's my choice

    • 3mo

      Certainly, if you wish to not be friends with her, it is your option.

What Girls Said 1

  • Why don't you ask her to help you? Some people will be naturally better at some things than others, but it should not make you feel insecure. Perhaps if the two of you get to know each other better, there will be less envious feelings between the two of you. You will come to realise that she's not perfect. She could help you out with things you struggle grasping, & you could help her out with things she has a hard time understanding as well. Friendship is not about competition, it's about balancing one another out. Nobody's perfect & it's not weak to ask for help. Just tell her that you genuinely admire her; she will not turn you away for wanting her help. It's fun forming a study group with other girls, because they just get each other; it will strengthen your bond with her, so reach out to her. Women need connection, not competition. Ain't no real woman got time for petty nonsense.

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    • 3mo

      I think this is really good advice. Except it did hurt me a little when you said, "Ain't no real woman got time for petty nonsense." Did you mean she doesn't have time for petty nonsense (as in me?) :(

      I thought about it a lot, and realized she is not the correct friend for me. Because she got things right from the first try and that's a little scary for me. I think I need someone who is more like me, who showed growth and was moving upward.

      Plus between you and me, I detest studying. I'm pretty smart, but sitting down for hours and hours in front of a textbook is not really easy for me. It almost depresses me to work on numbers for that long.

      I wish I had not met her because we just have different lives and different paths of lives. It would've been better had we not been acquainted.

      But in the future I will remember to reach out to other girls and be more caring of them.

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    • 3mo

      What does stop me from cutting her out is an inferiority complex: she got on the honour roll every year so she must be smarter/better.

      I don't really know if that's true. I've never really seen whether she really does put in a lot of effort or she takes short cuts for things. In one of my courses, she told me she hadn't read the textbook and borrowed the notes available online to study for the exam.

      That's not really indicative of someone putting in a lot of effort. So it does sometimes make me question whether maybe she is not really that smart or that nice in the first place.

      All I really know is she got honour roll every year. Regarding our interactions, she has been mean to me on some occasions as have I to her.

      One time, she tried to play a trick where she along with one (or two) group members cut out my part for a presentation without telling me.

    • 3mo

      Their 'reasoning' was that I hadn't practiced together, which I don't really buy. If that were true, they would tell me before we started presenting that look we haven't practiced together, so this person is going to say your part for you.

      They didn't do that, and she was in on it too, (I wouldn't be surprised if she planned it).

      That presentation could've cost me 15% of my mark.

      I didn't get an apology even though she knew I was pissed. The next time I spoke to her too she was like, "x group docked us on the peer evaluations," I was like... uh huh. Okay. Why is she telling me this.

      It made me conclude that I don't really know whether she is good or she's bad, but I feel negatively towards her and we were never friends in the first place so it's best to just cut her out.

      If she's really not bad, she will feel temporarily bad and then forget about it. And if she IS a bad person, then I did the right thing by making her feel terrible.

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