Thoughts on this poem (updated version)?

So I posted this yesterday and you guys really helped! I made some changes. I set it to a more traditional 3 quatrains and a couplet, with an ABABCDCDEFEFGG rhyme scheme.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

m. imgur. com/8ZUBewe


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I like it, but tbh I think I like the older version better. I feel like, while it does rhyme, it loses some of the phrases I really quite liked on the old one. While the new phrasing is cool still, I don't think it's quite like the old one.

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    • 3mo

      Well that's kind of why I like blank verse. Especially when writing about love. It's just more relaxed, I feel like. This is definitely the more formal version, though. It follows the traditional format.

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    • 3mo

      The tone did change. I feel like that was partly my mood. It became more vengeful than self pitying, I feel, in subtle ways.

      So yeah, I guess the first definitely focused more on "this is his fault" whereas the second was more "this is my fault". Just a symptom of my vacillating attitudes, maybe xD

      By the way, the older 4th line is still there. It just begins the new quatrain.. but the two ideas still connect. Though I could see how the line in between tones down the subtlety.

    • 3mo

      I guess it's now on quatrain 2 line 1, but I still miss it on quatrain 1 haha. And yeah, maybe I'm just naturally more receptive and connect better to the feelings/ideas of the first version vs the second, I don't know.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Tbh, I couldn't get past the first stanza but only because your writing wasn't
    my personal style... no other reason.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Thise don't even rhyme dawg lmao

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  • I want to cry , when I see him in your eyes
    When I get angry I eat fish and fries
    I'm chilling , you're cold as ice
    When I'm with you, even hell is paradise

    It makes no sense maybe. But it does rhyme :D

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  • Will u date me

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  • Very interesting

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What Girls Said 1

  • Gadfly? I like poems that I can understand, no offense.

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