Why do I hate me so much?

I haven't felt this feeling for a long time. (depression)

I've been having reoccurring dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me. while I'd like to acknowledge its just dreams, as a victim of two ex boyfriends who in some way or another cheated on me. It's hard to separate fact from fiction.

I'm the type of person who believes dreams have meaning and the supposed meaning of my dream means my relationship is actually going well, and I'm just paranoid. Which is likely the case.

But that doesn't make me feel any better because my paranoia may very well destroy my relationship if I let it take over. And I'm not very good at silencing my demons. The little voice in my head is VERY effective at making me believe I'm a peice of shit.

I can't keep a solid job because I honestly don't know what to do in my life. And I'm too much of a stubborn idiot to simply be content with a job, I *feel* as if it has to make me feel "complete". Which is pure fantasy, and isn't good, especially if you want to build a future with someone which as we get older is something my boyfriend is gonna want (see: settle down, marry, have kids)
He deserves so much better than me. And I feel as if I should let him go and let him find someone worth his time. But I love him. I really do and I'd be lost without him.
But if you truly love something you should let it go right?

It doesn't help that I live in an environment where one parent basically belittles me and helps the little voice in my head who tells me I'm worthless. He means well but executes his thoughts poorly. I can't communicate that with him because... well I tried and it never ends well.

I don't know what to do. I know some of you would probably say I should seek a therapist. But I am literally broke. And there is NO way I can ask anyone for financial help and NO therapist will give free help. I'm positive my insurance won't cover it and even if it does I'm sure between my surgery and my moms surgery this year we've exhausted our funds.


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What Guys Said 1

  • "I WORK IN A PLACE AND MAKE A DOLLAR ABOVE MINIMUM WAGE AND I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 4 YEARS, I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMEWHERE BY NOW BUT I'M NOT."

    I'm sorry, but sometimes people have got to do shitty jobs and not necessarily expect anything major is gonna happen to them down the line. People understood this in the 50's and they didn't let it depress them. Though I suppose it's unfair to make that comparison to a degree, since the quality of public happiness was also a lot higher back then, as well.

    Honestly, the only thing I could recommend is spending another year making money and go back to school in some fashion. Night school, community college, ANYTHING, if you wanna get out of the funk.

    I know people say "Oh you've gotta love yourself first before you start making those grand decisions" and yeah, maybe that's true to some extent, but generally people don't recover from depressive attitudes and THEN fix themselves, the fix IS the cure.

    Honestly this question is pretty complicated for some idiots on a website, I don't know you, or the details of your life. It's really something you've gotta find a way to work through with people that can actually help you (and I don't necessarily mean therapists).

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    • 2mo

      I definitely cannot affors schooling.
      I wasted money on 3 different schools.
      2 that i started and never finished [1 due to distance the other due to financial aid refusing to cover me] and 1 that I actually finished but I'm wasting because I'm too unconfident to do the job.

      I'm basically a waste of space.

      But thats probably just other me talking

What Girls Said 1

  • I am sorry to hear things have been so down for you recently. However, you must know this is your life, and the only one you'll ever have. No matter what is going on, or what you're going through, keep faith in yourself and try your best to continue on. Even if you're not sure what path to take, or where your future lies, don't let that stop you from going onward.

    I think, those people from your past have put quite a damper on your self esteem, and have shaded your outlook on dating when it comes to trusting new partners. I would recommend openly talking with your boyfriend about this. You should never let your past keep you from progressing, or living happily in your present and future.
    As for your parent belittling you, I think it would be best if you found a job where you can work part time, and save up enough to move away from that none sense. That could be a motivation for a job too. It doesn't matter if it's working in a coffee shop, or selling products, anything that gives you a paycheck and helps make you feel like part of a team will benefit you so much. Working isn't supposed to be enjoyable, but you can certainly take pride in making your own money, saving up to support yourself financially, and even working part time will allow you to do other things in your free time.

    If you love something, I don't believe you should let it go. Instead, you should remind that something how much you appreciate it, enjoy it, cherish it, and find comfort in it every day. Your boyfriend wouldn't stick around if he wasn't truly interested, nor would he remain with you if he didn't share feelings with you. Let him know how you're feeling, talk with him, trust him and keep him close. You never know how incredible someone can truly be until you are at your weakest point, and they remain there, still willing to support you through it all.

    Have faith, and please don't lose hope in yourself or in your life. There's so many opportunities to turn things around. We all hit a tough point, but keep going on move onward.
    Good things will come in time. Best wishes to you.

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