Gags, is it wrong have a child (unplanned pregnancy) when you are not settled and your partner breaks up with you after he found you were preges?

On my own in this beautiful country, and have been here for nearly 9 years. I do contract work and get paid good when I work, but all savings do get spent in between contracts - living expenses nothing too lash. Have found out I am pregnant. Was with my now ex partner for 1,5 years. We always talked it was a serious relationship, although a very rocky one. Kids were part of the plan for when we are settled and stable both in our relationship and financially. After the break up and quite a lot of drama, my first thoughts were to return home, where my family was. Spoke with mum and explained what happened. My relationship with the family is quite estranged, all of the females have really boisterous personalities and fights and resentment happen quite a lot. Anyways, again, although have a family, who are very rarely supportive, I feel on my own. I am very excited about the pregnancy, although it is so unexpected and my ex partner is so freak out, I don't even know if he would ever embrace this. last time we spoke he kept talking about it as if it was unknown still. He was on and off with being excited and supporting with it, and then shifting to being an absolute A-hole, really negative, talking down on me, and not wanting anything to do with it and even stating this might not be even to him, which is absurd. After giving this situation another thought, I am hesitant about going back to my home country as don't think it would be the right decision as far as the child is concerned. I am kinda broke and feeling lost at the moment. I wish I had around a friend who knows and loves me for this tough time, and that was suppose to be my ex, anyways. mentally I am ready to have a child, and know that money situation can always changed, and also know that with careful planning I could overcome some major living obstacles, but it will take toll on a lot of other things. My ex partner is scared of being a shit dad, poverty and aging. I'm scared of doing wrong by the the child.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Don't worry about whether it's wrong or not; that's in the past. It's happening and you need to focus on that. Your boyfriend sounds like a scared, immature jerk. The last thing you need is him talking down on you right now. Tell him so. He may yet come around to a more mature attitude and that would be great even if you don't get back together romantically. Hopefully he'll take fatherhood seriously and be there to help with both his his time and money.

    But I would plan for a worst-case-scenario. You didn't mention what kind of work you do; is it some kind of software work? If it's something you can do while pregnant, I would line something up immediately so you have some money for when the baby arrives. Is there any way to get a full time job with benefits?

    You didn't mention what your home country or "this country" is. It's worth it to figure out where medical insurance and maternity benefits would make a bigger difference in the lives of you and your child. If he turns out to take no responsibility, it's also worth it to figure out which country has better laws for compelling fathers to pay child support.

    From what little you wrote, I get the feeling that you are a tough, smart person. I'm so sorry you're in this spot with no support. I'm sure you'll be a good mother no matter what happens.

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    • 2mo

      First of all, thank you for your words, these mean quite a lot in my life right now. I could hear disappointment in my mum's voice when I told her I had a change of heart about coming back home, and would only come back unless it becomes absolutely hard.
      I do have a small not a very successful at this stage but still own business, I work in HR and Recruitment space, and contracts do get me through financially. I literally live from a contract to a contract, so speak. And yes, I could try to work from home, at least could try to figure something out as it gives flexibility. it doesn't pay much though, as the business is in developmental stage still. I would definitely would need support with money and time to cover for me when I have to do work, have rest etc. I am applying for any permanent jobs with benefits but unemployment here is skyrocketing at the moment, and would be in the near future. My worst case scenario is having a back up money (return ticket from Australia to Russia).

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    • 1mo

      Congratulations! I'm really happy for you! Good luck!

    • 1mo

      Thank you again! All the best to you too :)

What Guys Said 2

  • Is it wrong? No. Is it smart? Definitely and very much so, NO! And now you understand why there is social pressure to get married before having kids.

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    • 2mo

      Well, I do understand the security of marriage from my own experience of being married twice in the past. I was lucky to not get pregnant back then when I was with my first ex husband, who was extremely violent toward his children and me, I ran for my life and until i jumped on the plane I wasn't sure I would make it in one piece. Can only imagine what would be mine and a child's life be if it went otherwise - meaning me falling pregnant to that violent man. When i got pregnant to my second ex husband, he ran away - started acting out and hiding at his mum's who pretty much bossed him and tried to do the same to me and demanded a grandchild... unlucky/lucky it was ectopic pregnancy that ended up in termination and some damages to my reproductive organs. It took me few years to get my head back together, and few other things that didn't help happened along the way. I have met thins amazing person of my ex partner. Happened unplanned, although we have been careful, has happened.

    • 2mo

      Well, at least you weren't anchored to the two previous guys. I can empathize; I am my wife's 3rd husband.

    • 2mo

      it is in the past, but lesson learnt there for sure, and yes it could have been much worse if I had kids to any of them. When my ex partner started talking wedding and making it legal for the baby and everything... i didn't say straight up "no" to that, but i tried to explain that having this unplanned baby should not put any pressure on him or I to propose, as long as we work together as a couple and do the right thing by the child, I would be happy and prefer rather wait and get married when we both feel comfortable with each other, because it should be done for us as a couple who want to celebrate feelings and union, but a shotgun wedding. I have never been in a rush to get remarried after my first divorce to be honest, always wanted to make sure the man would be the right guy who would worth the honer. I hope you are having a great marriage, and sure you wife is proud to have you.

  • it's not wrong, but, how will you manage the kid. why not just give it up for adoption?

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    • 2mo

      Well, I am going to be solely responsible for this life and no one in my family has ever given up anyone for adoption, we don't give ours up, we fight, we argue, we pull everything we can together, we get through tough stuff but children in my family are absolutely important... I would not feel right if I hadn't done absolutely everything to make my child's life worth fighting for. I am talking only high pathetically, as never had own kids before. I think if it had become absolutely bad, I would have returned home.

What Girls Said 1

  • U are at an age (unfortunately) where you have to ask yourself - do u realistically still have time to meet someone new and start a family.
    As if it doesn't you could end up childless for the rest of your life which is okay if that's what you want there's adoption, fostering and ivf.

    My ex partner left me at 6 months pregnant but after the initial upset I focused on my pregnancy & baby (now 9 year old!) It has been hard and a struggle financially at times but nothing more than any other parent/s.
    I have never had any problems meeting men who want to settle down regardless of my child but it can be lonely but that is where it is up to you to get out and socialise yourself and child.

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    • 2mo

      Thank you for reading and commenting. Sorry to hear you have been through tough treatment by your ex. I could never understand, how a grown up could not do the right thing in this situation. It may sounds like I am desperate to have a child more than anything, but honestly, i have always wanted to have kids, always. And I thought I had finally met someone very special who I would love to have kids with. He always said, it happens when it happens, but we did agree we would wait a year or two, so we give ourselves a chance to settle down etc. We were careful, and it still happened. In the beginning I called this an accident, and he corrected me and said it wasn't and that it was a miracle, since we were careful and it still slipped somehow! I am in the same boat, the relationship with the man who I believed loved me enough is ruined, I am caught out financially, and morally, and trying to hold it together so I can make the best decision by the child. Did you ex ever helped with anything?

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    • 2mo

      I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this. And it is very smart of you to tell your son the truth, and is very brave as well. I am sure you are a great parent with amazing strength and integrity. It is true, his loss, and I know how this might have felt to be waiting for him to make it right by your son. Thank you for sharing. I hope you meet someone who deserves you and your son very soon. wishing you all the best xox

    • 2mo

      Time will tell, really. I have been strong all my life, traveled the world on my own. I am in a beautiful, peaceful, amazing country, where people are very friendly, and community is fantastic, I should be able to strive, now that I have a really good reason to wake up and make things work for me. This hard work would be well worth it though.

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