It's a strange thing... this "thing" I feel when I'm meeting people, I hold back and become whatever the person I'm talking to could accept of me. It's a mix of how I see myself and what's socially accepted. there these background thoughts that fly through whenever I'm conversing with others, making a decision to go out, and when problems arise in life. More like a feeling.. like today I wanted to go to two events and ended up not going cause I felt like I wouldn't have fun... especially by myself. I do have friends... and what I'm revealing.. no one knows.. not even my closest of friends. And when I go out with someone to these events Im nervous and don't have fun.
This doesn't apply to my romantic relationships or past ones just with my indiviual life... if I took all my friends away, what I'm left with is this insecure, fearful, confused, person (based on my decisions ) I don't go out because I'm running away my reality: I'm horrifically lonely. I can't make friends for the sake of it and if I try I honestly feel I'll just end up losing friends anyways so I don't even bother.. unless others try hard with me.
Then I look around my work friendships and such and they seem to effortlessly gain intimate friendships... I constantly think there's something wrong with me.. unlovable.
It's a vicious cycle, I gain friends easily but I can't make a connection with any of them.. I don't feel close to them. At this point I've simply collected a bunch of meaningless friendships and afraid to make more... im just rambling
Is there anyone out there that feels the same?
Went through the same? If so what advice can you share with me. I would love to feel strong when I'm alone, feel satisfied with my own individuality.. it's truly even affecting my decisions on simple things: career changes, starting a new hobby, going out to an art gallery, going anywhere alone, I hate this feeling of depending on others for my own inadequacy, inability to simply be me in my own company.
Most Helpful Guy
I was a lot like that, when I was young. I wasn't sure that I should say anything, thinking that I might get it wrong, or someone would know more, and I would look stupid for saying something.
After a while, when you get older, you start to realize that a lot of the people around you are TOTALLY FULL OF SHT, and THEY HAVE BEEN LYING, AND MAKING SHT UP!!! usually, they do it to look like they know something, and they are smart, but they are really struggling, being stupid, and just parroting back news bites!!!
Once I got into the sciences, where you need to document, and PROVE what you did, if you want to publish something, I met some HONEST people, some that really were SMART!!
Over the years I have developed an internal BS Detector, and I just love calling them out, and embarrassing them, when they talk sht, trying to be 'superior' but they don't know what they are talking about!!
The downside, is that you are an 'Exile' and many hate you, because they know that you see through their BS!!
I'd rather be smart, see their BS, and call them on it, and have only a few, really close, trusted friends, than a bunch of liars around me!!
To me, 'Friend' means that we have trust, that I have their back, and they have mine!1