Can anyone edit my paper?

I got very little feedback on my essay, so any feedback and criticism will be appreciated. The only things I know for sure that I want do, is add more words since I am slightly below the 600 minimum word count. Also I want to add quotes from the poem and add a works cited. The poem is called they feed, they lion and is about the Detroit Riots of 1967.
Can anyone edit my paper?





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Most Helpful Guy

  • Before I continue, is it possible to either copy/paste the text on here, or message me the text so I can go off of that? It's really cumbersome to try and edit something off of a picture.

    Here's some edits/suggestions for the intro paragraph. I can do more once I get a response off the first question:
    You need to firstly change the poem title in quotes since it is a relatively short poem name.
    owl.English.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/04/

    For the second sentence (The author… he loves), the tense sounds a bit djanky since you go from past tense, “grew,” to present tense “drives.”

    For the third sentence, the words “has been quoted” sound awkward. It’s also sort of redundant since you are putting the thing in quotes. I’d suggest just saying “George Santayana has said…” or something simple.

    You forgot to end quotes from 3rd sentence.

    Replace “Those words are ringing true” to ‘These words ring true.”

    Remove comma after true/before considering.

    The “Of course” leads me asking what other problems are they with? The way it is phrased makes it a bit open ended, like you were going to explain more.

    For ever is one word in the quote I’m pretty sure.

    Change “those words are ringing true as well” to “These words ring true as well.” I think it sounds less awkward that way.

    Put a comma after “way,” and remove the comma after “history.”

    How did the majority races have a leg up over minority races? Do you have any sources for that? What is your point in regards to that?

    I feel the last sentence of the paragraph could use a better reference to the previous sentences. It feels a little disjointed, like you are simply putting there because you were told “you need your thesis at the end of your intro.”

    I’m pretty sure you need to capitalize the poem title.

    I feel the last sentence could be strengthened if you talk about the poem, rather than the author. Is it the author saying it? …Or is it the character in the poem? Author =/= narrator. It makes it sound like you will be talking about the author from a biographical standpoint if you state it like this.

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Most Helpful Girl

What Guys Said 7

  • Well I was going to message you to tell ya what I noticed but I'll start off with the fact the name of the poem needs to be italicized.

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    • 1mo

      In quotes.

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    • 1mo

      @ProbablyTooMature Please explain how your pasted portion of the article, which talks about the capitalization of some words in a title, tells anyone about whether or not to italicize something. Also, real mature with the name calling. If you're going to use such an obnoxious name at least try to stick to it bud. Also, I clarified it to her afterwards and edited her paper over e-mail, so no you didn't help more than I did.

    • 1mo

      Shit, you're right, I missed the whole fucking line below that part.

      In-Text

      Write the title of the poem in title case. All of the words should be capitalized except articles ("a," "an" or "the"), short prepositions ("in," "on," "with," "at") or coordinating conjunctions ("but," "and," "nor," "or," "so").

      Put quotation marks around the poem's title unless it is a novel-length epic poem, such as "Paradise Lost" or "The Divine Comedy." In that case, italicize or underline the title.

      That's what I get for educating while driving. Point, however, stands... it's not italics, which you even doubled down on instead of educating yourself.

  • The only thing I see is you should capitalize Black Lives Matter like I just did because it is a name of an organization Thats the only thing I can really see major. Otherwise it looks really good.

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  • Can't read that shit. Most papers I've reviewed at uni have been poorly written, so your paper would probably be above the standard.

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    • 1mo

      by the way can't read as in not clear

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    • 1mo

      I don't know why nobody can read it, I was so sure that it would clear to read. They're just screenshots off my iPad and they are readable on my iPad.

    • 1mo

      You upload them to the site, which downgrade the quality in order to save server space. You should've uploaded them through imgur and linked the image.

  • The title of the poem should have quotes around it. It should also have correct capitalization.

    "The Feed, They Lion"

    Extraneous comma after "riots".

    "Those" should be capitalized in George's quote.

    You need a closing quote for his quote (after "it.")

    Then once you got into black lives matter I stopped reading.

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    • 1mo

      This isn't a political paper. The point of the poem that I got at least, is that if we don't respect each other as human beings, we will cancel each other out. The Detroit riots were a response because of police brutality. Same thing with the Tulsa and Charlotte riots.

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    • 1mo

      Like you said, not talking at all would be ideal... so that's what you're getting.

    • 1mo

      Even better

  • I can review it but I need it emailed or soemthing
    Can't read that
    Want my email?

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  • Sure. When is it due and you'll have to email it to me.

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  • I'm bad at essay or poem. Sorry.

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