I got very little feedback on my essay, so any feedback and criticism will be appreciated. The only things I know for sure that I want do, is add more words since I am slightly below the 600 minimum word count. Also I want to add quotes from the poem and add a works cited. The poem is called they feed, they lion and is about the Detroit Riots of 1967.
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Before I continue, is it possible to either copy/paste the text on here, or message me the text so I can go off of that? It's really cumbersome to try and edit something off of a picture.
Here's some edits/suggestions for the intro paragraph. I can do more once I get a response off the first question:
You need to firstly change the poem title in quotes since it is a relatively short poem name.
For the second sentence (The author… he loves), the tense sounds a bit djanky since you go from past tense, “grew,” to present tense “drives.”
For the third sentence, the words “has been quoted” sound awkward. It’s also sort of redundant since you are putting the thing in quotes. I’d suggest just saying “George Santayana has said…” or something simple.
You forgot to end quotes from 3rd sentence.
Replace “Those words are ringing true” to ‘These words ring true.”
Remove comma after true/before considering.
The “Of course” leads me asking what other problems are they with? The way it is phrased makes it a bit open ended, like you were going to explain more.
For ever is one word in the quote I’m pretty sure.
Change “those words are ringing true as well” to “These words ring true as well.” I think it sounds less awkward that way.
Put a comma after “way,” and remove the comma after “history.”
How did the majority races have a leg up over minority races? Do you have any sources for that? What is your point in regards to that?
I feel the last sentence of the paragraph could use a better reference to the previous sentences. It feels a little disjointed, like you are simply putting there because you were told “you need your thesis at the end of your intro.”
I’m pretty sure you need to capitalize the poem title.
I feel the last sentence could be strengthened if you talk about the poem, rather than the author. Is it the author saying it? …Or is it the character in the poem? Author =/= narrator. It makes it sound like you will be talking about the author from a biographical standpoint if you state it like this.1
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