this time I concentrated on rhyming words... like a lot..
there you go... here is "THE STRANGE ME"
VERSE: BE it sometimes.
or most times,
There are somethings I hide all the times.
My consciousness takes over
pressing my emotions lower.
trying to be strong,
knowing I am wrong.
CHORUS : There is this strange me
that really wants to change me.
I hate it badly,
but I fake it sadly.
its funny when I try,
But i just can't cry.
feeling like it ain't worth it,
so flush it,
says the strange me!
VERSE: Feeling like its all fiction,
when I want to apologise
all I see is contradiction.
I drown in the sea of silence...
not a sorry nor a word
seems like total defiance.
BRIDGE:A second I care
another I don't.
I want you to care
but I know that you won't.
maybe this is my defence line
so you don't poke a hole
in my tiny spine.
I can see the shores,
but knowing whats on it,
Its always a bore.
Most Helpful Guy
Alright you probably won't like what I have to say, but I'll say it anyway in the hopes it will make you better.
1.) The lyrics are suffering from cliches still. The cliches make it sound cheesy. The reasoning behind this is word choice I think. You are throwing common words and common rhymes and making it too simple. It makes more sense, but it is too straight forward. I suggest looking at bands (i. e. Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys) you find that write great lyrics and look at their word choices.
Throw in extended metaphors, metaphors, overly expressive language. Sometimes it is nice to take your emotions and apply them to a story, so the audience figures out your emotions from the story rather than you stating directly. Analyze at how they write and compare it to yours. Expand your word choice.
2.) I think you focused too much on the rhymes that it hurts the piece. Rhyming is nice in a song, but it isn't a requirement. By restricting yourself to perfect rhymes, it forces you make word choices that aren't the greatest and to make things that don't really say much. It's a common mistake I've been through plenty of times. Focus on getting your point across, and if you can make a rhyme still with strong word choice, go for it. Otherwise no need. Rhyming is more important in choruses than verse also in my opinion.
Also, consider near-rhymes for some parts. Here is a bit of lyrics for one of my songs during a clean bridge:
"If I should turn back time? (If he should turn back time)
Could I fix such imminent demise? (If he should turn back time)
Such a new dawn rears too bright of light,
And exposes the transparence of our worth"
Kind of like how "time" doesn't rhyme perfectly with "demise" nor "light." This helps break up your song and give you more freedom in word choice. I'm more of an instrumentalist than lyricist but hopefully you get the point.
The content comes first. Think of your message, think of a clever theme to say your message, then write the words that best convey your message. If you can make it rhyme, great.
Now, I know I'm being critical on these, but I also remember showing a song I wrote to a friend. He laughed at me and said it was so cheesy and cliche. It was embarrassing, but it also made me work harder. Now my lyrics have improved substantially I'd say. Pushing past the criticism while taking note of it makes you a better writer.0