Men pursuing vs. Women pursuing?

This is something I've been thinking about lately. I'm a guy and I've mostly been the one pursued by girls. I've had to brush off, blow off, or flat out reject a lot of those women. But right now in my current predicament I'm the one "pursuing" a girl and it's only the third time I've ever had to play the role so admittedly I kinda suck at it! Though, the ones I've pursued are ones I am really interested in.

Anyway, I've been reading around and so far it seems 50/50. I was wondering what you all think? Is one way better than the other? Why? Should it be like a game of tag where you take turns? Or does it just depend on the two people in question? Love to hear your thoughts!


Most Helpful Girl

  • I prefer the male pursuing me. Also, when I know I am being pursued I become more playful and I feel more fun. It also gives me a slight confidence boost and I can play cocky or be coy I don't know something about being pursued is more fun.

    I've always wanted to try pursuing, but even though no one would guess it, I'm shy when it comes to that stuff.

    • OP: Well, it's good to know that it can make a woman feel good and confident to be pursued :) There are times when I wasn't sure about taking action and I've just had to ask myself "Would this make her day? Or would this creep her out?" ... and hope for the best~

    • It almost always will make her day. Even if she doesn't feel the same way; it is flattering to be noticed. Unless of course you were an 80 year old man hitting on a 20 year old girl or something...then it is just a bit creepy...


What Girls Said 18

  • You said it yourself. Better when he guy pursues because that's the girl he's really interested in

    • OP: ;) It's funny because when you read all this dating advice from gurus or pick-up-artist stuff... They seem to really put down a guy who pursues a girl instead of making her come to him. I mean, I realize attraction/seduction is one element of winning someone's love/lust. But I also feel it is too passive to rely on a woman to go after you.

  • Don't beat yourself up man. Guys tend to have a natural knack for pursuing (even when they're young or don't have a lot of relationship experience). So long as you don't do anything extreme or that makes her feel uncomfortable, you're golden. Don't be afraid to ask if she's uncomfortable, either. Shows you care & that you're making an honest effort (both of which are features she'll really like if she's genuinely interested in you).

    I think it all comes down to personality types. The more aggressive person usually makes the better pursuer. It's not always the man, but I'd say it is most of the time. The ratio of males to females when it comes to who's more aggressive would probably be somewhere in the ballpark of 80:20 (based on the people I've met).

    The dynamic is what's important. If both parties are waiting around for the other person to instigate/plan/call, then both are left wondering if the other person is interested. This is why it's good to figure this part out early on in the relationship.

    • OP: Thanks for the reassurance~ Yeah I've had to be extra careful. There are times when I'll shoot out a message without thinking it over then look back and think "Crap that sounded wrong..." But hey, I don't like over thinking things either. I would say I am pretty aggressive as long as it's a girl that I decided I wanted from the beginning. It is tougher though when you are unsure of the other person's feelings.

  • I think it depends on the individual regardless of gender some people are more prone to waiting for someone to pursue them and others are more bold and like going after their crush.personally I would rather be the one pursuing the person I am interested in.

    • OP here. I like how you are open-minded about it being and individual thing rather than something decided by gender alone. I also feel better about being the one pursuing even though as I mentioned I have a lot to learn about being in that role. As one of the few women who would rather be pursuing, I have to say your confidence is commendable :)

    • thankyou! and I wish you the best of luck

  • I like men pursuing, because men are naturally the kind that run away, or a lot do, after too much time with one girl. They need a lot of down time, so pursuing them is maybe just stressful for them if a girl is constantly texting them or what not. Some guys are flattered, but a lot of them just get sick of the constant barrage of messages. I mean maybe you gotta practise if you haven't been pursuing alot. I don't think pursuing should be much different from non-pursuing, because you have to play it cool at some stage too, and not constantly bombard a person. So in actuality I think its similar, but that when you do make contact you just have to make it count. When you do make dates they should be memorable and fun.

    • OP: Thanks for the advice :) That's one thing I've had to work on a lot. Timing and "playing it cool."

  • I hate pursuing. It makes me feel undesirable because it's been pounded into my head since I was young that it's the guy's job to pursue, so if he doesn't pursue me I can't help but think I am unappealing.

    I honestly love being pursued, even by guys I don't want to date. It's a compliment to spark someone's interest. But I'd like if if they stopped asking me out after trying twice. Though twice is preferable because sometimes I actually can't go out with him on a specific day.

    • OP: Hm, that's a good standard~ Sometimes I have trouble deciding whether or not to keep pursuing if I don't get "no," "not interested," "leave me alone," "I have a boyfriend," or "let's just be friends." So if I get mixed messages or a "I'm busy" sorta deal, I'll just back off for awhile and focus on other "options." Then if I'm still interested after a few days or a week or two I'll send a message or something just to stay in the loop and try to set something up if she reacts positively.

    • Usually when someone says that they're busy they legitimately mean it. One time I was talking to a guy who was so stupid, he asked me to hang out on Christmas Eve (it was in the morning, but I still couldn't go) and he thought that by saying no I was obviously not interested. That idiocy alone made me not want to go out with him.

  • I think you should just go for it, if you see something or someone you want, don't hesitate. Ask her if she'd be interested in going out ( if you know what she likes, do that) it does depend on the two people I think because if both are equally interested, then I think they should both pursue the other, whoever ever initiates the first date the other should initiate the next.

    • Hi, OP here. That's how I am about all other aspects in my life. If I want it, I go after it. Problem I'm encountering is that as a naturally fiery, passionate "go-get-it" type, is that I can come off as over-aggressive or pushy. But on the flipside, I would rather be seen as a guy who takes action than a timid "nice guy." Guess I just need to learn to balance things :)

    • If you often come off as pushy, then yes balance is what you need. If your to pushy she'll move on but if you simply ask her for one date an leave it at that you'll be fine. If she doesn't give you an answer right away just smile, let her know the offer is always open an leave, wait a week if she hasn't answered you and ask her if she's ready to take you up on your offer ( if she still seems interested) that way she still knows you want the date but if you don't get it You'll be fine

  • I probably sound ignorant or immature, but I feel plain ugly if I pursue a guy. If the relationship actually works out, the thought, "He's only going out with me because I threw myself at him," will pop up in my head every now and then. I won't feel as desirable. I blame it on the fact that I was raised in a world where boys asked out the girls and that was that. I also have heard guys say that only the "slutty" or "ugly" ones throw themselves at the guy. Girls asked out my boyfriend all the time, and he even went out with one. He said, "She was there," and that's the reason they went out (and in my opinion she looks like a toad, but whatever). Even though I do believe in equality of the sexes, I probably will never pursue because it won't sit well with me... Especially if he rejects.

    • OP: It is risky on the ego for either gender to make a move. Part of the reason I asked this question is that as a confident guy, I don't see why a strong, self-assured man would be so adamant about placing the burden on women. So much "advice" I read on the internet says not to be the one pursuing the girl. On your other point, a friend once tried to get with me right after a break up. I did care about her but at the same time that move lowered my opinion of her.

  • I think experiencing both sides makes you a more rounded person, you can appreciate the pain you cause someone when you reject them and hopefully you will be kinder about how you do that.

    I don't mind pursuing someone if I kind of know I will get them in the end, although being pursued is flattering it can be a nightmare if you really do not want that person any where near you...

    • OP: Yes, and I think that is the thing I'm cautious about. I know what it's like when someone I don't like is pursuing me. So, in my own pursuit I try to be careful about giving the person space. I guess it comes down to reading their comfort/reaction to you and being persistent without being desperate.

  • I've only chased after one guy and I won't do that sh*t again. I'll let guys chase me because the guy I chased is either too f*ckign shy or can instantly say "I'm not interested" but how not even done it. Or he can say eh has a gf... but he knows if he denies me he look super bad because he is basically rejecting a Eva Mendes.

    • feel the same way! like I feel dirty after doing that

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    • I agree'' Not doing that sh*t again. lol

    • OP: Haha, I'm sure a lot of guys would pursue an "Eva Mendes" ;). Hopefully going forward, it's the guys you really want to pursue you :) Thanks for the answer!

  • I would like to be approached by guys, but sometimes I think its better if I approach them because then I know I'm attracted to him and I'm not making myself like someone that approaches me...

    • OP: Yeah, I can relate to that in a sense. It's nice to feel like you are the one selecting and that you are not just convincing yourself to "take what you can get."

  • I believe guys should chase girls and girls should encourage guys they like to chase them but not give themselves away so readily. Make him prove himself. If he does that, you can get all my lovin..

    • i hate girls like you lol that's basically asking a guy to go against his biological nature, why can't you just tell a guy when you like him?

    • go against his biological nature? exactly... I don't want to attract a guy that wants me and TONS of other girls. I want a guy that likes me so much he'll only want me only. so yes, go against your nature.

    • OP: I think the question a lot of guys would have is: How do I prove myself? And I guess it would be different for each woman :) But another problem I think a lot of us guys have is we don't always know when a girl is encouraging us or just being nice. Or encouraging us for attention, without the intention of ever actually going out with us. What's even tougher is mixed signals... but that is another discussion altogether!

  • I like when a guy pursues me, I don't want to have to chase a guy.

    • OP: Haha, I think there are some people who wish there was no chase at all ;) But I've found that "chasing" a girl can be fun, as long as I am not dependent on a certain outcome for my own happiness/security. I can also relate to feeling flattered by being pursued. Even when I didn't like the girl that pursued me and had to reject them, it made me feel desirable for sure.

  • Maybe that why your still single :P

    • Hey OP here. Thanks for the humor, ha ha :p You're right in a way. I've been too picky and too focused on my ambitions, education, and creative pursuits over the years. I look back on a lot of the girls who wanted me and think, "Why did I not give her a chance?" Now that I'm more active there are times when I feel weighed down by bad karma D:

  • I HATE pursuing. I got rejected too many times then I started calling guys f*gs for it. Immature I know. But rejection kills a woman's soul. So I'm back to guys pursuing me.

    • OP: Sorry to hear that. Maybe clear signals of interest but not outright "pursuit" can help in the future ;) But I do admit a lot of us guys are pretty dense so I can see how it would be frustrating if you just want to know right away if a guy would be down for you or not. Good luck moving forward :D

  • Usually, average guys seem to be more interested when they are the ones pursuing. I think it's their competitive nature. Shy or socially awkward guys prefer the girl do the pursuing, usually. Also, some guys are really turned on by female aggressiveness, but I don't think it's either rare or the majority, though.

    • OP: Hm, I think female aggressiveness is a turn-on if we 1) the attraction is mutual and 2) if the aggressiveness is in a sweet, "non-slutty" way. But I guess it depends on what the man is looking for (some horndogs and desperate dudes will take whatever they get...). I guess I do have a slight preference for doing the pursuing just because I don't like being "passive."

  • Traditionally, girls who are too forward and flirtatious in public and considered cheap. As a result, girls are taught NOT to approach guys. It's the 21st century, however, and girls do what they like -- which makes guys more lazy about approaching. This is commonly seen as one of the reasons for the elevated divorce rates, failed dating endeavors, etc. Guys/Girls' roles have been flipped inside out for so long that neither really knows what signs are "the signs" and which lines are "the lines" at this point. Just look at this site -- we wouldn't have so many questions about body language and reciprocation if signs were as clear cut as they used to be -- you know, back in the time of the cave man. Sigh.

    Anyway... I would say that the most successful relationships I have had involve the guy making several of the approaches. He has to feel that the relationship is HIS idea and HIS choice, otherwise he feels trapped. This involves waiting for the guy to make the move, even if the girl lays out the breadcrumbs all the way there. Strange, but true.

    • why can't people just say "i like you" what's so wrong with that? pffft women

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    • Funny thing is that even if a girl (e.g., ME) gives a guy a clear sign the guy can either pretend he didn't "get it" and make her beg/chase a little (which I find to be cruel) or he can acknowledge it and then not really know what to do next since it apparently emasculates a guy not to be in the "driver's seat" with these things. That's always where I have the trouble. I just told the guy I've been seeing that I don't like to feel like I'm begging for him to come out and spend time with me; ->

    • -> he should want to see me and call to ask me out. His "yes" shouldn't constantly melt into "maybes" and finally the last-minute "no" or hedge so that I'm left on my own for an afternoon/evening that I had been looking forward to spending with him. It's a sort of bs that I don't like. Board game rules would be MUCH easier, lol.

  • women are more mysterious

    • OP: Interesting take, but I would say it depends on the individual~

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