Should I tell him about my past?

So I am friends with this guy.(we met four months ago) However I am unable to be myself around him and its really difficult. He just recently graduated from college and wants to hang out with me one last time but I am terrified. The reason is because I was sexually abused and this has sadly affected my life and How I interact with men. I often freeze up when I am around him and had flash backs in the past while when with him. So my question is should I tell him about my past?or not? He seems like he is an understanding guy and is really nice. Will he hate me?

I still might see him again he is still going to be in the state that I live in.
Also I never been real close with men in general (not even friendships) because of the abuse. I am getting help also so still working through it.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey... that is a really tough thing you have to deal with! My heart goes out to you and l truly wish you the best. Hard as it is, l believe we can all get beyond such things in the end. Good luck to you!

    You say that he seems like a decent guy...

    I would say, sure... when the right moment comes up (and l think you will have to be the judge of that) it would be a wise- and good- thing to say something to him about it... if you like him as a friend and / or especially as something more.

    I can tell you one thing- he will NOT hate you in any way, shape or form. It is possible that he will not be entirely sure how to take such an admission, but if he is the sort of guy you describe, he will be very understanding.

    Every guy who has answered here has said pretty much the same thing... that yes, saying something is probably the way to go. That is because we all know that we would be very understanding and accepting- and that your friend almost certainly will be as well.

    BatDoc had it right when he said that a good guy (no matter how good) may possibly have a somewhat difficult time over the VERY long haul... indefinitely... if they are inclined towards romantic notions with you (should you continue having real intimacy difficulties)... but they will certainly be understanding, nonetheless. In the end, it will all come down to you- and how far you've come in your quest to "move forward".

    As someone else said, it is NOT your fault, never WAS your fault... EVER. You suffered a terrible situation. Realize though that there really are a LOT of good, loving, decent and caring men out there. l truly hope one day that you will find one- and find happiness (and freedom) from an unfortunate beginning.

    • Thank you so much and for everyone who took the time to reply to my question it was very helpful and I very much appreciate it. I will try my best to tell him and thanks again.

What Guys Said 15

  • I think there's nothing wrong with talking to him about it. That way if you do act oddly because of your past he won't be on here asking us why you acted that way ;)

  • If he's someone that you think you may be able to trust, he won't hate you. You're sensitive to other people.

    The past is the past, for most.

    For those with triggers, it's still here sometimes.

    You need to understand he isn't the person who hurt you - I know you do, but when you're activated and flipping out inside, whoever is with you triggers suffering too. Practice facing the trauma on your own and use some mindfulness techniques to center yourself before wading into the dating fray.

    Breathe and feel the air passing your nostrils, take a pause.

    I'm not a therapist but good lord I've known a few. So here's a couple of links I think might help. The Pinterest board is cool, it's got some easy to digest poster type stuff on it. The other link is someone's personal approach to these situations.



    When you tell him it's okay to come over, start off by imagining everything, including texting or calling him about it first, before you get in touch. Ease into the idea of it and you'll be okay. Going from one totally unrelated situation into being intimate will trigger you because it's a surprising jolt to your nervous system, just like being abused.

    Understand being intimate may just mean being on the same couch and talking. Normal is what you decide it is.

    Imagine every point you'd be comfortable getting to. Then make sure he understands you only intend to get that far *after easing into it,* and **you may change your mind.**

    You may need to go up on the roof and shout at the stars with him instead. Let him know that has nothing to do with him. And understand, you're not broken.

  • No guy will judge you if they are worthy enough of you, so if any guy becomes slightly off about your past, then they are not worth your efforts, a genuine guy would do things the way you want to do them and wait as long as it took you to be comfortable around him, he wouldn't hate you, he would feel your pain and want to help you, and never would he judge you, if any one does, get rid of them, your worth more,x

  • If you are having an issue being intimate with him, then this is a much deeper seeded issue that needs serious attention. You are projecting the actions of your abuser onto every man you meet. This is not uncommon. Dogs and cats that are abused can become afraid of all humans because they can't tell the difference.

    If you are freezing up with this man that you like of even love, then you are still subconsciously stuck in that abuse mindset.

    You should tell him, but you should be ready for what that entails. A good man won't hate you and will stick around and help you work through it. But a good man shouldn't be expected to deal with the problem indefinitely. If you don't think you can move past the issues, then you don't need to be dating someone. You need to work through the issues first and then ease into dating.

  • If this is what you hope to be a serious relationship, I'd say yes..

    I have a female friend who was abused as a child and it helps me knowing this about her. I was able to research the matter and better relate to her as a result. If you don't tell him, your actions and reactions will drive him crazy trying to figure out what is wrong...! If he cares about you, he will research this matter in order to understand you...

    I'm not even sure if you have been informed or not, but you are also a victim of PTSD and should be treated accordingly. If your boyfriend researches this enough, he will learn this too..

    May God Bless You with healing and recovery..

    Take Care, 'cause I DO Care.

    Sincerely: John

  • Yes, but don't just drop it on him out of nowhere. If a relevant topic comes up or something remotely related, i.e., you're talking about pain from before you met. Or if he notices that you seem distant, extremely guarded, etc., and asks you what's up.

    I seriously doubt he will hate you. I don't even think he will dislike you. He might feel a surge of anger, but towards you, but because you're his friend. Someone he cares about was hurt very badly in a way that most people don't experience. He might feel a sense of injustice, but there is no reason why he wouldn't want to hang out with you.

  • If he seems like a really nice guy who likes to have serious talks, and discuss emotions and other "serious" stuff with you, I'd say you should sit down with him and let him in. Just tell him you want to talk about it, get it off your chest.

  • Who sexually abused you?

  • I think you should tell him in an intimate environment, i.e alone in a comfortable place, and let him decide what he will do from there.

    You should see a therapist about this so he/she can help you overcome that horrid experience so you can have a real shot at happiness.

  • Dont tell him at the start,if you come to the situation where you are become very close (emotionaly) to him,and he feels same about you,then you tell him.because this confession will bring you deeper connection to him.not before.try to know him before and stuff.

  • Coming from a guy, you could tell him that you take things really slow, but you want to see him. Then, when you are alone and vulnerable with one another, you can tell him that there are things in you past that make it difficult, but that you are trying. I was sexually abused, too, and know what it means to have issues. If he is that into you, peel the layers back slowly, and if he reacts negatively, get rid of him without having divulged everything. I've been understanding about that before with previous girlfriends. The right man is waiting for you, and it could be him. Sex does not define a relationship. Understanding one another does, though. Take it slow and work it in, and just let him know that you have a hard time being comfortable but that you are trying just for him. : D

    • Great reply... I'm sorry that you had to experience this for yourself in order to give such advise..

      But this is awesome of you to use what was meant for evil for good...

  • don't tell him unless your sure he can be trusted and you know him well enough or your secure enough.

    this to me being a guy is an obvious weakness I can exploit

    i recommend caution with your weaknesses against men unless...

    and I don't think men would hate you. some might however, some get off on a womans weakness and it appeals to them and may be secretly ..even in bed.. abusive (in the mind, they won't say it or show it)

    dont throw caution to the wind - take caution.

  • If you really trust him and want to get in a relationship with him, telling him your past will be a good reliever for you, and he will begin to view you in another positive view.

  • if you want yourself to be comfortable around him you better tell him the truth and there is nothing to be ashamed about your abuse because it was literally not your fault...he should understand if he's a nice guy


What Girls Said 2

  • its on u- I wouldn't plan it though. when it feels right most of the time u'll find yourself just saying it/doing what you want to do

    it should be taken as a compliment because people don't share their secrets with just anyone- personally I feel good when someone trusts me enough to let their guard down with me, it's like they can count on me

    be careful who you open up to, I wouldn't tell him everythingg right away

    its a bad sign if you get flash backs of such a horrible time with him, you know you should stop hanging with someone if they give you that icky feeling

    he won't hate you of course. remember its not about what you say, but how you say it

    i know its a difficult time but try putting a positive spin at the end, that you are trying to move past it or whatever. you don't want to leave him feeling like "awh dam bummer"

  • Just tell him the truth. He will be understanding.