Should I tell him about my past?

So I am friends with this guy.(we met four months ago) However I am unable to be myself around him and its really difficult. He just recently graduated from college and wants to hang out with me one last time but I am terrified. The reason is because I was sexually abused and this has sadly affected my life and How I interact with men. I often freeze up when I am around him and had flash backs in the past while when with him. So my question is should I tell him about my past?or not? He seems like he is an understanding guy and is really nice. Will he hate me?

Updates:
I still might see him again he is still going to be in the state that I live in.
Also I never been real close with men in general (not even friendships) because of the abuse. I am getting help also so still working through it.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey... that is a really tough thing you have to deal with! My heart goes out to you and l truly wish you the best. Hard as it is, l believe we can all get beyond such things in the end. Good luck to you!

    You say that he seems like a decent guy...

    I would say, sure... when the right moment comes up (and l think you will have to be the judge of that) it would be a wise- and good- thing to say something to him about it... if you like him as a friend and / or especially as something more.

    I can tell you one thing- he will NOT hate you in any way, shape or form. It is possible that he will not be entirely sure how to take such an admission, but if he is the sort of guy you describe, he will be very understanding.

    Every guy who has answered here has said pretty much the same thing... that yes, saying something is probably the way to go. That is because we all know that we would be very understanding and accepting- and that your friend almost certainly will be as well.

    BatDoc had it right when he said that a good guy (no matter how good) may possibly have a somewhat difficult time over the VERY long haul... indefinitely... if they are inclined towards romantic notions with you (should you continue having real intimacy difficulties)... but they will certainly be understanding, nonetheless. In the end, it will all come down to you- and how far you've come in your quest to "move forward".

    As someone else said, it is NOT your fault, never WAS your fault... EVER. You suffered a terrible situation. Realize though that there really are a LOT of good, loving, decent and caring men out there. l truly hope one day that you will find one- and find happiness (and freedom) from an unfortunate beginning.

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    • Thank you so much and for everyone who took the time to reply to my question it was very helpful and I very much appreciate it. I will try my best to tell him and thanks again.

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What Guys Said 15

  • I think there's nothing wrong with talking to him about it. That way if you do act oddly because of your past he won't be on here asking us why you acted that way ;)

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  • If he's someone that you think you may be able to trust, he won't hate you. You're sensitive to other people.

    The past is the past, for most.

    For those with triggers, it's still here sometimes.

    You need to understand he isn't the person who hurt you - I know you do, but when you're activated and flipping out inside, whoever is with you triggers suffering too. Practice facing the trauma on your own and use some mindfulness techniques to center yourself before wading into the dating fray.

    Breathe and feel the air passing your nostrils, take a pause.

    I'm not a therapist but good lord I've known a few. So here's a couple of links I think might help. The Pinterest board is cool, it's got some easy to digest poster type stuff on it. The other link is someone's personal approach to these situations.

    link

    link

    When you tell him it's okay to come over, start off by imagining everything, including texting or calling him about it first, before you get in touch. Ease into the idea of it and you'll be okay. Going from one totally unrelated situation into being intimate will trigger you because it's a surprising jolt to your nervous system, just like being abused.

    Understand being intimate may just mean being on the same couch and talking. Normal is what you decide it is.

    Imagine every point you'd be comfortable getting to. Then make sure he understands you only intend to get that far *after easing into it,* and **you may change your mind.**

    You may need to go up on the roof and shout at the stars with him instead. Let him know that has nothing to do with him. And understand, you're not broken.

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  • No guy will judge you if they are worthy enough of you, so if any guy becomes slightly off about your past, then they are not worth your efforts, a genuine guy would do things the way you want to do them and wait as long as it took you to be comfortable around him, he wouldn't hate you, he would feel your pain and want to help you, and never would he judge you, if any one does, get rid of them, your worth more,x

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  • If you are having an issue being intimate with him, then this is a much deeper seeded issue that needs serious attention. You are projecting the actions of your abuser onto every man you meet. This is not uncommon. Dogs and cats that are abused can become afraid of all humans because they can't tell the difference.

    If you are freezing up with this man that you like of even love, then you are still subconsciously stuck in that abuse mindset.

    You should tell him, but you should be ready for what that entails. A good man won't hate you and will stick around and help you work through it. But a good man shouldn't be expected to deal with the problem indefinitely. If you don't think you can move past the issues, then you don't need to be dating someone. You need to work through the issues first and then ease into dating.

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  • If this is what you hope to be a serious relationship, I'd say yes..

    I have a female friend who was abused as a child and it helps me knowing this about her. I was able to research the matter and better relate to her as a result. If you don't tell him, your actions and reactions will drive him crazy trying to figure out what is wrong...! If he cares about you, he will research this matter in order to understand you...

    I'm not even sure if you have been informed or not, but you are also a victim of PTSD and should be treated accordingly. If your boyfriend researches this enough, he will learn this too..

    May God Bless You with healing and recovery..

    Take Care, 'cause I DO Care.

    Sincerely: John

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What Girls Said 2

  • its on u- I wouldn't plan it though. when it feels right most of the time u'll find yourself just saying it/doing what you want to do

    it should be taken as a compliment because people don't share their secrets with just anyone- personally I feel good when someone trusts me enough to let their guard down with me, it's like they can count on me

    be careful who you open up to, I wouldn't tell him everythingg right away

    its a bad sign if you get flash backs of such a horrible time with him, you know you should stop hanging with someone if they give you that icky feeling

    he won't hate you of course. remember its not about what you say, but how you say it

    i know its a difficult time but try putting a positive spin at the end, that you are trying to move past it or whatever. you don't want to leave him feeling like "awh dam bummer"

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  • Just tell him the truth. He will be understanding.

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