Is the situation with my bf normal? Feeling distress?

I have been dating my bf for just 4 months. We were in a LDR, and last month it was his turn to visit me. He was initially going to stay for 2 weeks, but then changed his plans to stay for one month. When the month was about to expire, he managed to find a job in my city, so he is staying indefinitely.

I told him in the past that I am not ready to live together before marriage. Especially after such a short time. I have always lived with my parents or alone. He is very loving but I feel trapped, I have totally lost my privacy.

Besides, he is always complaining about my habits. I am saving money to buy my own house in the future, so I do not use that much heating (instead, I wear warm clothes at home). He wants to wear just shorts and a T-shirt at home while it is freezing outside, and complains that it is cold at my place (for the record, the indoor temperature is around +21 celsius). We go shopping and I always have to pay for the food. His mother sent him some money to help him while he does not get his first monthly pay, but instead of using it to help buy food or whatever needs to be bought, he wanted to buy some guitar parts with it.

He also asked me for money to buy a concert ticket (around USD 120). It feels like living with someone is 10 times more expensive than living alone, and I am starting to have fits of depression, because both him and his family members tend to be always broke, and I do not want to end like them. I want to have my own family and be able to provide for my children. I am very extremist, I have often gone without food just to increase my savings, and it hurts that he is buying unnecessary things.

I am working two jobs (about 14 hours a day in total) and I feel I won´t be able to make ends meet. I was supposed to see my parents this month, but they are far away and I cannot afford seeing them until Christmas or I would be spending more than I earn.

Why am I feeling like this? :-(


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You sound very wise when it comes your money. More relationships need partners like you. Flat out tell your boyfriend he has a job, spend his own money, and stop asking you for money or it's over. In this case when it comes the money, you are doing everything right and he is doing everything wrong. And believe me, you can love someone, but money will put an end to a relationship faster than anything else. Do NOT move in with him or let him live with you. If he doesn't make that rent after he's gotten a job, he's on his own or he can go back home. Trust me, if you two live together, he will become a leech.

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    • He has moved to my place using the trick of the extended visit. I had explicitly told him that I am not ready to live with people other than my parents. He is also a very irregular person, sometimes he feels "lazy" and spends the day sleeping or complaining that he is tired (this happened when he was unemployed, too). This gives me some "freedom" to do things on my own (I am an amateur painter), but at the same time I do not feel comfortable because I have to stay quiet. So definitely I am not psychologically ready to live with another person.

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    • I got him out of my place. He is leading the same lifestyle, only that it is now his mother who pays for his stuff.

    • Good for you! As much as I hate to sound like an ass, let him become someone else's problem. You are on the right track! ;)

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What Guys Said 1

  • Have you tried expressing your concerns about his spending habits to him? And make known the your situation. Communication in the relationship is key to its survival if you ask me. It just sounds to me like he doesn't have enough self control in his spending patterns.

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    • I have talked to him, and his answer is that he will pay for it (the expensive things) with his money (that is, when he gets paid from his new job). So my impression is that things might evolve in a way that I will be paying for the daily stuff, and he will use his money to buy guitars, concert tickets, etc. And that is not fair. The day before he spent USD 100 on that ticket, I bought him a pair of shoes for his new job, because I knew he could not afford them at the money, but he needed them.

    • It can't go on forever, if he's asking you for cash to buy something only to pay it back at a later date when his pay comes in, it just tells me that he's spending above what he can afford. I feel that you need to be more strict with him about his spending, I sincerely hope it doesn't but it could escalate into something way worst than what is going on now.

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