Erratic boyfriend behavior and breaking up?

On the 4th this month, I had bugged by boyfriend to spend sometime with me, but he's incredibly busy and haven't been spending much time with me due to tight datelines. It's his final year in university and is feeling the stress of being able to please me and complete his work on time. He previously called for a time out a year ago for almost the same reasons; I was clingy and jealous (he has a lot of friends) and he hated having to explain everything to me, where he was going, who this girl was etc. He wanted freedom to do what he wants, when he wants. I’m quite certain that he isn’t the cheating sort even though he enjoys the company of girls. I’ve seen the way he acts around them, and friends have told me that it seemed neutral.

I've changed since, but apparently not enough. I’ve somewhat stopped asking about these girls or I keep it short and sweet. I try to let him have his space by requesting that we meet at the very least once a week. I mean every relationship needs some kind of commitment, no? But it seems like me wanting to spend time with him has lead to his breaking point. He called me back on the 5th, and thinking that everything was going to be fine after a night's sleep (which is usually what its like with us), I asked if we were still meeting that night for dinner. He agreed.

He dropped a bomb on me and asked for a break up, for me to let him go. That the appealing thing about being single right now is his freedom to do things at his own time and pace, and not having to report to me about anything if he didn’t feel up to it. I told him to reconsider and not make rash decisions when he's stressed out like that. He said he wouldn’t change his mind and he didn't want to meet. He said that if we met, he would break up with me instantly. He asked me when my exams ended and I told him the 20th, and he said he'll wait till then to break up with me officially. If this was going to ease the pain, it’s no consolation. I asked him when I can expect a call and he told me, I won’t call/see you, until after the 20th but I’ll see you online and don’t have any expectations. And it ended. I tried to play it cool the next day and refrained from calling him or even going online. He called when I was out having dinner with my cousin and her friend, he asked me where I was, what I’m doing there and who I was with. encouraged by the call. I asked if we were OK. His reply; “it depends. See you online.” I never showed up online that night and the next day. He called again saying that he over-amplified things, but there were some underlying issues he has yet to resolve. I told him not to worry about this yet. Agreeing, we chatted normally, but there were signs of jealousy on his part. he asked if the guy was trying to hit on me and if I was contacting someone he thought I had chemistry with. hours before breaking up he was all over me, told me he’d rather talk to me than work on his essay, and that I was his comfort and therapy. please help. - heartbroken

Update: He's still contacting me constantly, sending me songs and such. If it were guilt and he's afraid that I might do something silly; I would I have done it within the week. No need to keep checking in on me now. What's the point?


Most Helpful Girl

  • The guy cares for you. He sounds like a good guy but you drove him away from you. Guys don't want to be nagged at all the time. That's annoying and a turn off. Of course he is going to get jealous when he hears you talking to other guys, I mean he was your boyfriend. But honestly maybe it's for the best to be broken up. Sounds like you have a lot of things to work on yourself, such as your jealousy, insecurity issues and trust issues. It's never good to go in a relationship with those issues. You want to have a relationship where your confident, because it eliminates the jealousy and insecurities. So give him space, actually a lot of space. He needs to have time to think, and so do you. It's not a bad thing. Having space can let him do what he has to do and for you to have time to yourself and be happy just within you. And if you guys do not end up getting back together, then at least you will be more confident in your next relationship.

    In general, we all like to keep tabs on our partners because we feel like we have the right to know what he's doing, who he's with etc but really we don't. They need to keep having their freedom just as much as we do.

    • I know what you're talking about, and I know I've made mistakes. But it feels like I can change. I've not contacted him since he asked me not to, when previously I was worse. I'd text him even though I know I shouldn't. I've stopped worrying about the girls he's meeting with. I've just gotten too tired to do that anymore. If I gave him the time and space he needs, don't I have a chance at being with him again?

    • Show All
    • Thanks.. That sounds like a plan... something I can focus on rather than worrying that this is a hopeless situation. I'm not sure if I should avoid his calls when he does call though. The next to working on myself is easier than it is handling something concerning another person.

    • Exactly. I am single and I am enjoying it because I have soo much "ME" time and making myself happy. Therefore when I do get into another relationship, I will be content and happy with myself, and I can make my partner happy.

      Besides, only worrying about him and what he's doing and if he will give you another chance will stress you out. Don't worry about it. its not the end of the world.

What Guys Said 3

  • It sounds like he decided to end this relationship a long time ago, but didn't have the balls to end it. He saw you less and less, got agitated when he saw you etc. It's a gradual breakdown of a relationship.

    Now he's going through the part where he thinks he made a mistake. The next part is where he realises it was the right thing to do and moves on.

    • He didn't get agitated nor did he see me less and less, in fact all this just happened within the past 3 weeks. Before this and after the first break up ordeal we were really happy. I realise that I've a lot work on, and I'm in the process of doing so. I really want him back. Enough to make those changes. Don't you think I still have a chance at it?

    • Show All
    • This all sounds very hazy, I'm not sure whether you're recounting the facts exactly.

      But he has tried to end the relationship, and that's very important. It means he wants to end it.

    • Don't beat yourself up. It probably is over, but is most likely not about fault, but about different individuals, different wants, different needs, different insecurities. I think he liked the fact that you were clingy, and is a very needy person, and will probably come back to you, if he can't find someone to fill his void of need soon. If he comes back, just make sure it is you that he wants, and that you want him. Everything in your answers seems superficial, but this is a short essay.

  • I don't think that it is all your fault as some answers have displayed. . . The nagging could get annoying, but from what you said, it doesn't sound like you are all that clingy/nagging. . .Every relationship does needs commitment yes. I think the whole seeing each other once a week thing is a little much; You should at least be able to study together or be with each other sometimes while he is studying. . . I think he is just making some excuses of why he wants to end it, maybe dealing with some anxiety. he cares about you a lot, but it may just be too much to juggle a relationship and school. . . He cares a lot about what your concerns are, and he also knows that he has to do well in school. .. its a catch-22. . . just give him space, let him figure out what he wants to do..if he doesn't want to try to resolve the issues then just let him go, and know that it is for the better. .

  • his feelings were just decaying, move on


What Girls Said 5

  • sounds like its jus the same...he is stressed and feels that you want a play by play of everything he is doing. He obviously loves you but you need to back off. Go a day or two without talking. You know the more you pull away the more he likely wants you. Let him be, he is working hard to build a good life.

    • Hmm? I'm confused. what do you the same? the same as what?

  • Every relationship has issues> Every person has insecurities. If he is not willing to compromise with yours is that really worth it?

  • Personally, I think that he demands that he have the freedom to live his life -- without you. And that he meant it when he said those things about you only being his comfort. There's a lot of signs.

    I don't think it's worth your time to worry about him. And I'm more than sure that this hurts, but if you prolong this any further, you'll lose him completely.

  • Just wait and see after his tests if he comes around again. If he does, he does, if he doesn't, then nothing you can do can make him come back...

    Guys usually can't focus on 2 things at once, so if he is busy with studying, you're going to have to take a back seat to his work.

    If you believe in God and prayer, pray to him to guide you and your boyfriend towards making the right decision...and at such a young age, we can make so many rash decisions, clouded by emotions or stress.

    If he decides that he wants to move on, who knows, maybe your next boyfriend with be 100x better than this one...