He is "really, really trying" to make our relationship work?

OK so my boyfriend tells me this last weekend that he is "really, really trying" to make our relationship work...we have been together for a year and 9 months...

WTF does that mean!?!

I do everything for this guy...clean his house, do his laundry, cook his food...I take care of him like any good woman would.


Most Helpful Guy

  • See, when somebody says something, and you don't understand exactly what they mean or why they would say it, you're supposed to ask THEM what they mean, not a bunch of random strangers.

    Your relationship seems to be suffering from a severe lack of communication. I recommend that the two of you start working on this immediately. Sit him down and ask him why he said what he did. Discuss your mutual wants and needs, identify any problems that you're having, and address them before they become any larger than they are.

    • And I do and he just gives me an "I don't know"

What Guys Said 6

  • Judging by your update, you two either are not compatible so like he said, he's trying really hard make it work since it really isn't coming naturally.

    Honestly I think you are over analyzing this. General rule of thumb: What men say we mean. We aren't cryptic like women. Frankly it might just mean he loves you a lot and is try extra hard because he doesn't want to lose you.

    You just need to stop freaking out.

    • If he loved me that much wouldn't you think that would want to have sex with me? we probably have sex maybe once a month...I guess this is the core of our problem...I interpret him not wanting to have sex with me as him not wanting me at all...you have no idea what that does to a woman emotionally

    • Trust me you have no idea what that does to a GUY emotionally and physically lol. Going a month without sex is strange given your age (not like you guys are 65). It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like you. There may be other deep rooted issues. Maybe he is really stressed, depressed, sick, busy, etc. Just sit him down and talk to him about it. Ask him what's up and if he is OK. You wouldn't be the first couple that has had a similar issue.

  • Leave it to a female to turn something positive into a negative. Judging by the nature of this question, you are likely a hard girl to please, hence he has to work really hard to keep the relationship going. You should make sure you're meeting him halfway. Girls need to stop thinking relationships are all about them.

    • This is my problem...I am very easy to please, I am not high maintenance, when I want something I get it myself. I don't ask him for anything other that to act like he cares about me...he is an emotionless man that only thinks of himself and as far as meeting halfway? I with he would put in half the time I did...Hell we very rarely have sex anymore and I beg him for it and he just blows me off

    • Sounds like you need to leave him them. I don't know the context of his comment, but my guess is it came about because he felt the effort he was giving was being threatened. Like you said something to him similar to that of what you said in your comment. So in other words, its his excuse. He's telling you he's trying hard, even though he is not.

  • Calm the f*** down, and take a chill pill. It sounds like what it sounds like. He's trying his best to try and make things work apparently.

    • but if you wanted to be in a relationship why would you have to "TRY" to make it work

    • because not everything comes easy

  • Usuallt it means he's putting a lot of his energy amd will into your relationship, and tries to do it even if he's unhappy in the hope it jumpstarts a positive cycle and things get better from both sides. That's how I would understand it as a guy. But it probably also mean two things. Firstly, he can't do much more than what he's currently doing. If you don't think it's enough for you to be happy with him then you have a big problem for the long term. Secondly, it means, that he's not that happy himself and probably hope for something better from your side as well at some point.

    Keep in mind I know NOTHING about you two sp I'm not taking side. I'm just trying to guess what he means as a guy, no more, no less. He might be an ass, you might be a bitch, or you might be great but not compatible etc etc...

  • IMO, it means that he feels like the relationship is not working well, and he's the one putting in all the effort to making it work.

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    • Have you considered he wants a partner/lover, and not a maid/mother?

      Stop cleaning house, doing laundry, etc... You might be making him feel like a child.

    • I have just recently started doing this...the big problem is for how long will I be able too...I stress out when I have to live in a messy house...and his a very messy person...he doesn't know how to pick up after himself

What Girls Said 4

  • Well its hard to answer just like that... Have you had problems? Fighting more than usual/spending less time together? Did he say this randomly or where you in the middle of an argument?

    My first thought is (but I can be completely wrong so don't get mad) is that you have been together for such a long time that you have become to "used" to each other. You have probably done the honeymoon-fase, the freshly in love-fase and had fights and makeups. Seen each other sick, without make up, and maybe puking your insides out. You know everything about each other, spend a lot, if not all, of your free time together. So in other words there are no more "surprises" for you (if you don't count marriage and kids) except for the ones you make up by your own. And sadly, a lot of relationships don't last longer than that if there is no spark to keep them going. I think it was in Scrubs they once said that the people in the relationships that really last goes trough the same sh*t that every one else, but the difference is that they don't let it take them down. And from the only comment you asked about that your boyfriend said, I would think that he has come to a point that he doesn't know if he wants to keep fighting for the two of you. It doesn't mean he don't love you or anything, I personally think that if you loved one once you'll love them for life, even if you brake up, then you'll only love them in a different way. But I also think that he is questioning if this is the way he wants to spend the rest of his life. Maybe he is having a bit of a crisis a lot of people have at the thought of settling down. We all have a lot of things that we wanted to do in life, experience, but we sometimes can't do them all.

    Like I said, its only a guess (because ofc all people is very different, and maybe he isn't a person who thinks like this, but hey, you only gave us one comment to go on), but I would say that your boyfriend has come to the point (since you have been together for almost 2 years and is in the age of 36-45) where he has thought of taking your relationship a step further and the thought scares the sh*t out of him and reminds him of all the things he wanted to do (that he can't do as married) and all the things he won't be able to do. And the more he thinks about it, the more appealing he thinks other things is. And maybe he has a single friend who tells him about this awesome party he went to and hot girl he hocked up with?

    the only thing I think you can do is talk to him. We don't have the answers, only he does. Don't argue, don't get defensive, don't accuse, just hear him out. If he says he is trying, then maybe there is something you can do together to lighten the spark again?

    (and by the way, you shouldn't do all those things for him, its not the things you do in his house that matters. and he is a grown up man (hopefully) and can do those things for himself. And it makes you sound like his mother. But maybe I'm just an in-the-closet-feminist). Good Luck!

  • I have to agree with the guys.. first step would be to calm down. I know that what he said probably threw you off and upset you, but being upset isn't going to make this situation better.

    Second.. I think that you might want to prepare yourself for a break up (maybe) if things continue this way. It seems like he doesn't feel like the two of you have a good connection and he feels like he's forcing himself to stay with you. Feelings like this don't just go away..

    Maybe you should quit worrying about his needs and put yourself first.. quit doing his laundry and let him man up and do his own things. Focus more on the needs of your relationship and what you both want, instead of the needs of chores to be done around the house..

    • I try to focus on our relationship but I have no idea what he wants or needs, he refuses to talk to me and as far as me telling him what I want or need he either ignores my pleas or he gets mad when I bring things up and we get into a fight. I have come to just shut all my feelings and emotions off...I have become cold but it is the only way I can deal with the rejection that I feel

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    • Please don't apologize...this is what I need to hear...I know in my heart I need to get out of this but it is easier said than done. I'm not sure why I am so apprehensive to leave, it isn't like I count on him financially, I lived alone for a long time and managed just fine. I guess I'm just one of those people that don't give up easily and when I do I feel like a looser.

    • Trust me, coming from a girl who had to throw 8 years away.. and hated it. It will be okay, but you have to do this for your sanity. Putting up with douches like him will only drive you up the wall and make you unhappy for all your life. Leave him, don't look back, and move on.. you will find someone better.

  • It don't mean his giving up on the relationship but he feels he has to put in a bit effort to make it work and things are not flowing as they should be

  • I think you should totally move on with your life.\You do all that and he has the nerve to say "really really trying"


    he should have told you that two years ago, not two years later.