The best relationship, which is not a relationship.

I've found myself in the weirdest situation.

The short version is...

About 1,5 year ago, me and a very good friend of mine since around 10 years back and who's 14 years older than me (I'm 31 and she's 45, well, read milf) ended up in bed together. We've always enjoyed each others company immensely so none of us was really surprised that this eventually happened. The sex was the best either of us has ever had and we started to see each other more and more frequently. She started to develop very intense feelings for me and even though I have strong feelings for her, I never really got to that point where I could picture myself being with her in a firm relationship and see us have a future together with a family etc...

All the same, we have continued this exclusive relationship for 1,5 years now with a lot of ups and downs since, well... she's very very in love with me and I just have very strong feelings for her. I've tried to break the whole thing off about three times when she's had her worst down periods due to me not wanting to commit to a relationship and of course I don't want to hurt her in any way like that, but every time when she's got herself out of it she's still wanted to continue the relationship as is and I've just been too weak to say no and call the thing off. It's like, when it's great it's really great and when it's bad it's bad.

She has described it as the best relationship she's ever had, but where it's still not a relationship, which makes it so weird.. for both of us.

I'm just so damn confused about my heart and my head telling me very different things I can't seem to come to any good conclusions.

Please chime in with your thoughts on the situation. :)


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Most Helpful Girl

  • My question to you is, if you can't see having a relationship with her beyond the status you have now and there has been countless tears over your willingness to commit, why haven't you let her go? It's like getting shot and being left there to bleed to death. It's painful and you just want to know when will it be over because it hurts so much.

    I personally think you have stronger feelings for her than you even know or will allow yourself to and there's a slight chance you may even love her.i think it would have been nice to give the relationship a real go at something real, even if it wre for just a short period...like a trial run. This would have given the one thing she's wanted and needed and if it didn't work out, you'dat least KNOW for sure.

    This sounds like the saddest love story and I think you owe it yourself to give it a real chance. Love isn't something you catch like a cold...it's more like a flower that grows and if you water it and care for it with genuine attention, it usually blossoms into something worth investing in.

    Hope this helped. I wish you luck in love.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I think you're just hurting her more by keeping this going when you know you'll never commit to her. As hard as it will be, you should let her go and give her a chance to be married, have kids, etc. since that's not for you right now (unless she's already been married and has kids). I'm actually in a very similar situation actually, may I ask what is preventing you from being serious with her?

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    • Yes, you're probably right about that. When it comes down to it, none of us seemingly wants to end it though. She has one son but has never been married and doesn't plan on wanting any more children although she says she would do that for me if I wanted to.

      I'm sorry about your situation. :(

      What keeps me from committing, although I'm not at all sure, I think is the age difference. I have nothing to complain about in the relationship we have other than I'd be hesitant about children.

    • I see. That actually sheds some light on my situation. He's your age and I'm 22, so there is quite an age difference. But we do get along very well. He actually tells me that he can't be in a relationship with anyone for a while because he was in 2 previous long-term (4-year +) relationships that didn't work out and he "doesn't want to go through that again." Maybe in your case it's just as simple as she isn't The One? Are you trying to settle down or do you still want to be a bachelor?

  • from experience being in a dead end situation it's better to make a clean break life is too short

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  • You like her that's obvious , I believe you care what others might think . But you guys are grown and I believe you both are in love with each other , But in the back of your mind the age bothers you for whatever reason. It's not like your dating someone under age , Which is disgusting . I always said women dating men so young is inappropriate , But the heart love who it loves . I think when you date someone younger like 7 years younger especially if the man is the one who's younger is OK . But 14 years would be a lot for my taste , But who am I or anyone else to have anything to say about true love . I know you didn't say you love her , But I believe you do . Go for it , I think if the girls was 17 and your 31 would be a lot worse because she's still a child. She might make you really happy.

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What Guys Said 2

  • You are right on the brink of where I think age starts to become a concern...

    Picture the relationship in 10 years, when you are 41, and she is 55.

    Picture it in 15 years when you are 46 and she is 60.

    Will your interests still be in the same places?

    Are you emotionally more mature now than most 31 year-olds?

    Is she more active than most 45 year-olds?

    I try not to get hung up on age, but there is something to be said for growing old together with the one you love, and that's hard to do when your partner is almost a generation ahead of you.

    All that being said... If the love and friendship is strong for you now, you should be able to have this conversation with her.

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  • If the relationship is as good as you said it was, then marry her. I know that was very blunt, but you might not get something as spectacular again - it's not worth gambling fate again at this age. You might meet someone in the future, but you might also be comparing that future relationship with your current one.

    It's obvious that the real doubt is that age difference. You're afraid she could pass away leaving you a widow, but in today's world (even with medicine) there are as many different cancers as there are weirdos. You should stay with her, but make sure that she will lead a much healthier lifestyle.

    If don't choose to stay with her, no one would blame you. It's reasonable to leave and write the final chapter of this love story.

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