Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?

I've been dating her for 4 months, I want to make the initial of the relationship longer as people do get lazy and responsibility do kicks in and ruins everything once you label it. Also a person's true color comes out slowly so I don't want to call us boyfriend girlfriend now.She said if I don't want to commit she will keep seeing me but will also start to look for someone else to date because she doesn't want to get hurt by me. She will stop seeing me once she decides to sleep with the new guy.

 

What's Your Opinion?

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • You're probably not a jerk but from the answers you gave the rest here, it does seem like you're a commitment phobic coward. Sorry for being blunt but I am trying to understand your perspective. You're afraid of commitment because her personality changes? Doesn't that make her an interesting person to be with? As a lady, I would definitely feel like I'm being taken for a ride. She's willing to give you the best of herself by committing to the relationship (she's stunning you say, cooks and I'm sure sex is awesome or else it wouldn't have bothered you that she's planning to sleep with someone else) but you're not ready to do the same. In her shoes, I'd do the same - withhold the one thing guys can't live without. It's not forcing you to come to terms that you are in a relationship and therefore are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. It's more like a defence for us from getting hurt because the more we invest In a guy (via sex for example), the more emotionally invested we become. Without the label, it just makes us feel cheap, used and worth less. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning your views here. This is how most ladies think. Without the label, your relationship is like a FWB relationship. from my own personal experience, it took me 3 years to really know my guy like the back of my hand. You're not gonna make her wait that long are you? It's supposed to be fun getting to know someone special.

    • 37d

      I mean her.

    • 37d

      She is waiting for you to say you love him and obviously she loves you because she wants to label your relationship.

    • I asked her how is the label going to affect us she say it makes her feel worthy. I asked what about your feeling towards me. She says she is dedicated to us. She didn't say she loves me even when I ask her to further clarify

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What Girls Said 15

  • I don't think either of you are in the wrong and her reaction is perfectly normalit's up to you to decide though if you want to risk losing her or not.if you don't want to lose her, then put a f***ing label on it or let her move on!

    • I did tell her she is free to go but she is not leaving.

  • you guys are a mess

  • I think this is fair on her, I've been in this position before and it wasn't pleasant at all, you just don't feel important in the others' eyes and wonder what their game is. Anyway, why would a label hurt? it's not about that, it's about what you do to keep a relationship lively, meanningful, happy... It's only up to you if you become lazy and boring, calling someone your girlfriend won't change that. Anyway if I had any advice to give you it would be to stop messing with this girl before she has feelings for you and get hurt.

  • No! She should let you move at your own pace and respect you. However you can also respect what she wants, even if that means she's not comfortable with your pace. Just be completely honest with how you feel about her!

  • After four months your not official then obviously you aren't feeling it enough. Just stop seeing her. It's not suppose to take that long to reach boyfriend/girlfriend status. You should want to label it so everyone will know she is yours and you are hers. If that's not how you feel then that's fine but don't lead her on into thinking you are gonna change cause obviously you have no intention to do so. I feel bad for this girl, what a crap position to be in:/

    • I'm looking for a relationship, but I don't like her to take charge. Also I'm NOT sleeping with my female friends. I just don't like to explain to her what I do and where I'm at. I did tell my female friends about her.

    • God after reading your answers you kinda sound like a jerk. You want her to only sleep with you but have your "female friends" to which you 'don't want to have to explain anything to her. Just break up with her and be on your way. Find a girl that's comfortable with that relationship because it's not fair to this girl to be like this.

  • Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?Not in my opinion no different than a gal isn't a gold digger/tease if she dates a guy who pays for the dates and doesn't have sex with him.

  • Dude, it's been 4 months. You wouldn't be here if you cared less, so since you have an interest in questioning what to do. What could a label hurt? Then again, if you don't want to, break up. Ask yourself why are you holding on?

  • I don't think you are a jerk, I think you want what you want and she wants what she wants. What she is looking for in a man is someone who will give her that title of girl friend, if that's not you it's not you but it doesn't make her wrong for wanting it. Now you just have to ask yourself are you ready to lose her or can you bend to give her what she wants.

  • sighs. um well two wrong don't make a right.i think being clear with what you want in the relationship at the start is sometimes helpful.she feels you aren't serious because you are not giving a label but you are being overly cautious and now she just is tired and is looking elsewhere.I liked the fact my soon to be husband clarified our relationship right away and now we're happy together for life. respect one another and the relationship grows, without respect it weakens till there's nothing left.

  • If I were you, and she told me she will start to look for someone else and eventually sleep with them, I'd dump her. She's basically saying you're her security blanket until someone better comes along.And if you're OK with her seeing other people while you're dating, I don't think you like her that much.

  • I'm biased because this has been done to me about three times (and each time I caught on and ended it after experiencing it once). The guy was hung up over an ex or was extremely immature. If I were her, I'd end it because of my past experiences. But you're allowed to do this, and it isn't wrong unless you're stringing her along or using her for sex. After this happened to me, I either wanted it to go with a guy two ways: relationship or random hook ups. I refuse to become emotionally attached to someone who doesn't want to commit to me because it would make me feel undesirable, people would always be asking why we're not "going out" yet, and I'd feel a little objectified. I think you have to either ask her out, become casual hook up buddies, or just stop altogether. You're not doing anything wrong though even though it might be hurting her. It's not that it's not fair to her because she can leave anytime if she doesn't agree with your reasoning, and she hasn't. She really, really likes you if she's been waiting for this long, and I think you'd be asking out a winner if you ask her out. Part of getting into a relationship is growing together and learning about each other, and when you love someone, you'll also love their true colors... Unless they're hideous colors. And then you will have to break up, but that's life. Couples break up all the time, and divorce seems to be the new trend.

    • The trauma of break up can haunt me for years. So I've learnt to be the dominating one and not to submit any power to womanI know she is attracted to me a lot, she is absolutely stunning, sometime she is a sweetie but sometimes really annoying. I have this warm feeling with her but I don't feel things are stable enough.

  • If you don't believe in labels then why are you trying to label yourself as a jerk?

  • You are entitled to your feelings and needs as she is to hers

  • You're not wrong and neither is she. If I were her I'd begin to see other guys too. I just don't think you're ready for a relationship so why should she wait around for you? It would probably take you a year to finally know everything there is to know about her before you feel comfortable enough to date.that's just not acceptable to her and she has a right to keep her options open if you're dragging your feet. She doesn't feel secure with you because on some level your actions are giving the impression that you're either afraid of commitment or stringing her along until you found someone better. Maybe she doesn't want to continue having sex with a guy who seems like he'll probably kick her to the curb after he's had his fill and move on to the next girl. Players give the same excuses you do

    • Yes I'm afraid to commit to the wrong person. she is still having sex with me, she wants to start looking for other guys but not sleeping with them. However, when she feel close enough to sleep with them she will end it with me

  • I have that issue with a guy. He simply refuses to be anything more than... Nothing I guess. At the same time he thinks I can't go out with other guys even though we're not bf/gf.It's stressing me out, and I promise it's NOT allowing my true color to come out or whatever you call it.It's making me hide and such.

    • She shouldn't be expecting I will commit even when things go wrong

    • I think she might do that because she's scared/stressed out by the situation. She might feel like you're not willing to actually ever commit to her and that you're just taking advantage of her feelings.

    • I like her a lot, but she nearly cut ties with me recently. I can't be in a relationship with someone who would just cut ties that easily

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What Guys Said 3

  • I don't think you're a jerk. But you have to understand that most women think the same way she does.

    • This guy's giving you sensible, sound advice. One additional thing: Your obsession with power is going to kill all of your relationships sooner or later. You've got to get that under control and let it go man. No one likes a person who plays power games.Can't ask for more than you're willing to give. That's not a relationship- it's autocracy.

    • Neither of us are sleeping with others, I don't want to ask her to be exclusive to me because this will make me at her feet and give her too much power. I'm happy she said that she is not sleeping with somoene else, but just the thought of it is making me mad.No I'm not sleeping with any girls even I do have many female friends, I don't want to explain when I do with my friends with her. I hate owing anyone explanation. That's why I refuse to label it

    • Well you can't have it both ways. You're either in this thing, whatever it is, exclusively, or you're not. And if you're not, she can sleep with other guys.So make the choice - do you want her to be exclusive to you? If so, then you gotta be exclusive to her. And that means, whether you label it or not, you're boyfriend/girlfriend and in a relationship.

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  • Not really, it just means that you want to take things slowly.

    • You're right.

    • right homie, she thinks I'm stringing her along just for sex, but I why not enjoy sex while getting to know each other?

  • Well, are you or she sleeping with other people or dating other people at this time? If the answer is "yes", then now is the time to stop doing that if she wants a serious relationship and you're fine with it. I see no issue with the label if you otherwise like her. Honestly, beyond sex (assuming you're having it for a the sake of my answer), do you like this woman? Do you fight with her a lot or do you get along? If she's good on average, she'll continue to be good with a label, more likely than not. If she's not good after the label is applied, then break up with her. The simple solution usually works the best, no need to over-think this one buddy.

    • That's exactly what I told her, she doesn't take me seriously. She said she was trying to cut her lost because she feels like I'm stringing her along. I ask her to promise not to cut ties easily again if she is unhappy talk to me first. She promised she won't do it. I will observe for a bit longer now.. I just can't commit to relationship to her at this stage

    • I don't think she is the right woman for you, to be honest. If she threatened to cut ties very easily, that means she's just not that attracted to you, or she's willing to use power games to get what she wants, both of which bode horribly for a long-term relationship. Do yourself and your pride a favor, dump her now and save face.

    • Sometimes she is childlike, sometimes she is caring and sometimes she is sassy. She lashed out at me once and wanted to cut ties with me at the spot. We sorted that out, but now I don't feel safe with her at all being cut ties that easy is my nightmare. Also after she says she wants to see someone else who is willing to commit I told her that's fine because we are not in relationship it does bother me

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