Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?

I've been dating her for 4 months, I want to make the initial of the relationship longer as people do get lazy and responsibility do kicks in and ruins everything once you label it. Also a person's true color comes out slowly so I don't want to call us boyfriend girlfriend now.

She said if I don't want to commit she will keep seeing me but will also start to look for someone else to date because she doesn't want to get hurt by me. She will stop seeing me once she decides to sleep with the new guy.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You're probably not a jerk but from the answers you gave the rest here, it does seem like you're a commitment phobic coward. Sorry for being blunt but I am trying to understand your perspective. You're afraid of commitment because her personality changes? Doesn't that make her an interesting person to be with? As a lady, I would definitely feel like I'm being taken for a ride. She's willing to give you the best of herself by committing to the relationship (she's stunning you say, cooks and I'm sure sex is awesome or else it wouldn't have bothered you that she's planning to sleep with someone else) but you're not ready to do the same. In her shoes, I'd do the same - withhold the one thing guys can't live without. It's not forcing you to come to terms that you are in a relationship and therefore are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. It's more like a defence for us from getting hurt because the more we invest In a guy (via sex for example), the more emotionally invested we become. Without the label, it just makes us feel cheap, used and worth less. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning your views here. This is how most ladies think. Without the label, your relationship is like a FWB relationship. from my own personal experience, it took me 3 years to really know my guy like the back of my hand. You're not gonna make her wait that long are you? It's supposed to be fun getting to know someone special.

    • This is freaky... your answer is nearly the same as what she said to me!

      Except she said she never slept with a guy outside of relationship, but with me she did that's why she feel even cheaper. She wants to look for other guy but won't sleep with him until she is in relationship with him. She also said she won't withold sex from me.

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    • She is waiting for you to say you love him and obviously she loves you because she wants to label your relationship.

    • I mean her.

What Girls Said 16

  • You are entitled to your feelings and needs as she is to hers

  • you guys are a mess

  • Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?

    Not in my opinion no different than a gal isn't a gold digger/tease if she dates a guy who pays for the dates and doesn't have sex with him.

  • If I were you, and she told me she will start to look for someone else and eventually sleep with them, I'd dump her. She's basically saying you're her security blanket until someone better comes along.

    And if you're OK with her seeing other people while you're dating, I don't think you like her that much.

  • I don't think you are a jerk, I think you want what you want and she wants what she wants. What she is looking for in a man is someone who will give her that title of girl friend, if that's not you it's not you but it doesn't make her wrong for wanting it. Now you just have to ask yourself are you ready to lose her or can you bend to give her what she wants.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Not really, it just means that you want to take things slowly.

    • right homie, she thinks I'm stringing her along just for sex, but I why not enjoy sex while getting to know each other?

    • You're right.

  • I don't think you're a jerk. But you have to understand that most women think the same way she does.

    • I hate it when a woman withold sex to force me to commit. She is not doing that, but she said she wants to see other guys. She used my word against me.. I had to say I'm cool with it but I'm really not..

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    • Neither of us are sleeping with others, I don't want to ask her to be exclusive to me because this will make me at her feet and give her too much power. I'm happy she said that she is not sleeping with somoene else, but just the thought of it is making me mad.

      No I'm not sleeping with any girls even I do have many female friends, I don't want to explain when I do with my friends with her. I hate owing anyone explanation. That's why I refuse to label it

    • This guy's giving you sensible, sound advice.

      One additional thing: Your obsession with power is going to kill all of your relationships sooner or later. You've got to get that under control and let it go man. No one likes a person who plays power games.

      Can't ask for more than you're willing to give. That's not a relationship- it's autocracy.

  • Well, are you or she sleeping with other people or dating other people at this time? If the answer is "yes", then now is the time to stop doing that if she wants a serious relationship and you're fine with it. I see no issue with the label if you otherwise like her. Honestly, beyond sex (assuming you're having it for a the sake of my answer), do you like this woman? Do you fight with her a lot or do you get along? If she's good on average, she'll continue to be good with a label, more likely than not. If she's not good after the label is applied, then break up with her. The simple solution usually works the best, no need to over-think this one buddy.

    • at the moment we are not sleeping or dating other people. After I told her I don't want to give this a label and we might not be in relationship in the future if things don't go well. I also told her witholding sex with me is not going to work.

      I do like her, she is stunning, smart, really good cook too but every time I see her she gives me different personality. I still haven't figure her out yet.

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    • I don't think she is the right woman for you, to be honest. If she threatened to cut ties very easily, that means she's just not that attracted to you, or she's willing to use power games to get what she wants, both of which bode horribly for a long-term relationship. Do yourself and your pride a favor, dump her now and save face.

    • That's exactly what I told her, she doesn't take me seriously. She said she was trying to cut her lost because she feels like I'm stringing her along. I ask her to promise not to cut ties easily again if she is unhappy talk to me first. She promised she won't do it. I will observe for a bit longer now.. I just can't commit to relationship to her at this stage