Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?

I've been dating her for 4 months, I want to make the initial of the relationship longer as people do get lazy and responsibility do kicks in and ruins everything once you label it. Also a person's true color comes out slowly so I don't want to call us boyfriend girlfriend now.

She said if I don't want to commit she will keep seeing me but will also start to look for someone else to date because she doesn't want to get hurt by me. She will stop seeing me once she decides to sleep with the new guy.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You're probably not a jerk but from the answers you gave the rest here, it does seem like you're a commitment phobic coward. Sorry for being blunt but I am trying to understand your perspective. You're afraid of commitment because her personality changes? Doesn't that make her an interesting person to be with? As a lady, I would definitely feel like I'm being taken for a ride. She's willing to give you the best of herself by committing to the relationship (she's stunning you say, cooks and I'm sure sex is awesome or else it wouldn't have bothered you that she's planning to sleep with someone else) but you're not ready to do the same. In her shoes, I'd do the same - withhold the one thing guys can't live without. It's not forcing you to come to terms that you are in a relationship and therefore are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. It's more like a defence for us from getting hurt because the more we invest In a guy (via sex for example), the more emotionally invested we become. Without the label, it just makes us feel cheap, used and worth less. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning your views here. This is how most ladies think. Without the label, your relationship is like a FWB relationship. from my own personal experience, it took me 3 years to really know my guy like the back of my hand. You're not gonna make her wait that long are you? It's supposed to be fun getting to know someone special.

    • This is freaky... your answer is nearly the same as what she said to me!

      Except she said she never slept with a guy outside of relationship, but with me she did that's why she feel even cheaper. She wants to look for other guy but won't sleep with him until she is in relationship with him. She also said she won't withold sex from me.

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    • She is waiting for you to say you love him and obviously she loves you because she wants to label your relationship.

    • I mean her.

What Girls Said 16

  • You are entitled to your feelings and needs as she is to hers

  • you guys are a mess

  • Am I a jerk for refusing to give this relationship a label?

    Not in my opinion no different than a gal isn't a gold digger/tease if she dates a guy who pays for the dates and doesn't have sex with him.

  • If I were you, and she told me she will start to look for someone else and eventually sleep with them, I'd dump her. She's basically saying you're her security blanket until someone better comes along.

    And if you're OK with her seeing other people while you're dating, I don't think you like her that much.

  • I don't think you are a jerk, I think you want what you want and she wants what she wants. What she is looking for in a man is someone who will give her that title of girl friend, if that's not you it's not you but it doesn't make her wrong for wanting it. Now you just have to ask yourself are you ready to lose her or can you bend to give her what she wants.

  • I think this is fair on her, I've been in this position before and it wasn't pleasant at all, you just don't feel important in the others' eyes and wonder what their game is. Anyway, why would a label hurt? it's not about that, it's about what you do to keep a relationship lively, meanningful, happy... It's only up to you if you become lazy and boring, calling someone your girlfriend won't change that. Anyway if I had any advice to give you it would be to stop messing with this girl before she has feelings for you and get hurt.

  • sighs.

    um well two wrong don't make a right.

    i think being clear with what you want in the relationship at the start is sometimes helpful.

    she feels you aren't serious because you are not giving a label but you are being overly cautious and now she just is tired and is looking elsewhere.

    I liked the fact my soon to be husband clarified our relationship right away and now we're happy together for life.

    respect one another and the relationship grows, without respect it weakens till there's nothing left.

  • I'm biased because this has been done to me about three times (and each time I caught on and ended it after experiencing it once). The guy was hung up over an ex or was extremely immature. If I were her, I'd end it because of my past experiences. But you're allowed to do this, and it isn't wrong unless you're stringing her along or using her for sex. After this happened to me, I either wanted it to go with a guy two ways: relationship or random hook ups. I refuse to become emotionally attached to someone who doesn't want to commit to me because it would make me feel undesirable, people would always be asking why we're not "going out" yet, and I'd feel a little objectified. I think you have to either ask her out, become casual hook up buddies, or just stop altogether. You're not doing anything wrong though even though it might be hurting her. It's not that it's not fair to her because she can leave anytime if she doesn't agree with your reasoning, and she hasn't. She really, really likes you if she's been waiting for this long, and I think you'd be asking out a winner if you ask her out. Part of getting into a relationship is growing together and learning about each other, and when you love someone, you'll also love their true colors... Unless they're hideous colors. And then you will have to break up, but that's life. Couples break up all the time, and divorce seems to be the new trend.

    • The trauma of break up can haunt me for years. So I've learnt to be the dominating one and not to submit any power to woman

      I know she is attracted to me a lot, she is absolutely stunning, sometime she is a sweetie but sometimes really annoying. I have this warm feeling with her but I don't feel things are stable enough.

  • No! She should let you move at your own pace and respect you. However you can also respect what she wants, even if that means she's not comfortable with your pace. Just be completely honest with how you feel about her!

  • I have that issue with a guy. He simply refuses to be anything more than... Nothing I guess. At the same time he thinks I can't go out with other guys even though we're not bf/gf.

    It's stressing me out, and I promise it's NOT allowing my true color to come out or whatever you call it.

    It's making me hide and such.

    • I don't like the idea of her dating other guys, but I've NEVER told her not to. I told her choice is hers. I'm not dating other girls I just don't want to give it a label

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    • I think she might do that because she's scared/stressed out by the situation. She might feel like you're not willing to actually ever commit to her and that you're just taking advantage of her feelings.

    • She shouldn't be expecting I will commit even when things go wrong

  • Dude, it's been 4 months. You wouldn't be here if you cared less, so since you have an interest in questioning what to do. What could a label hurt? Then again, if you don't want to, break up. Ask yourself why are you holding on?

  • I don't think either of you are in the wrong and her reaction is perfectly normal

    it's up to you to decide though if you want to risk losing her or not.

    if you don't want to lose her, then put a f***ing label on it or let her move on!

    • I did tell her she is free to go but she is not leaving.

  • After four months your not official then obviously you aren't feeling it enough. Just stop seeing her. It's not suppose to take that long to reach boyfriend/girlfriend status. You should want to label it so everyone will know she is yours and you are hers. If that's not how you feel then that's fine but don't lead her on into thinking you are gonna change cause obviously you have no intention to do so. I feel bad for this girl, what a crap position to be in:/

    • God after reading your answers you kinda sound like a jerk. You want her to only sleep with you but have your "female friends" to which you 'don't want to have to explain anything to her. Just break up with her and be on your way. Find a girl that's comfortable with that relationship because it's not fair to this girl to be like this.

    • I'm looking for a relationship, but I don't like her to take charge. Also I'm NOT sleeping with my female friends. I just don't like to explain to her what I do and where I'm at. I did tell my female friends about her.

  • If you don't believe in labels then why are you trying to label yourself as a jerk?

  • You're not wrong and neither is she. If I were her I'd begin to see other guys too. I just don't think you're ready for a relationship so why should she wait around for you? It would probably take you a year to finally know everything there is to know about her before you feel comfortable enough to date.that's just not acceptable to her and she has a right to keep her options open if you're dragging your feet. She doesn't feel secure with you because on some level your actions are giving the impression that you're either afraid of commitment or stringing her along until you found someone better. Maybe she doesn't want to continue having sex with a guy who seems like he'll probably kick her to the curb after he's had his fill and move on to the next girl. Players give the same excuses you do

    • Yes I'm afraid to commit to the wrong person. she is still having sex with me, she wants to start looking for other guys but not sleeping with them. However, when she feel close enough to sleep with them she will end it with me

What Guys Said 3

  • Not really, it just means that you want to take things slowly.

    • right homie, she thinks I'm stringing her along just for sex, but I why not enjoy sex while getting to know each other?

    • You're right.

  • I don't think you're a jerk. But you have to understand that most women think the same way she does.

    • I hate it when a woman withold sex to force me to commit. She is not doing that, but she said she wants to see other guys. She used my word against me.. I had to say I'm cool with it but I'm really not..

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    • Neither of us are sleeping with others, I don't want to ask her to be exclusive to me because this will make me at her feet and give her too much power. I'm happy she said that she is not sleeping with somoene else, but just the thought of it is making me mad.

      No I'm not sleeping with any girls even I do have many female friends, I don't want to explain when I do with my friends with her. I hate owing anyone explanation. That's why I refuse to label it

    • This guy's giving you sensible, sound advice.

      One additional thing: Your obsession with power is going to kill all of your relationships sooner or later. You've got to get that under control and let it go man. No one likes a person who plays power games.

      Can't ask for more than you're willing to give. That's not a relationship- it's autocracy.

  • Well, are you or she sleeping with other people or dating other people at this time? If the answer is "yes", then now is the time to stop doing that if she wants a serious relationship and you're fine with it. I see no issue with the label if you otherwise like her. Honestly, beyond sex (assuming you're having it for a the sake of my answer), do you like this woman? Do you fight with her a lot or do you get along? If she's good on average, she'll continue to be good with a label, more likely than not. If she's not good after the label is applied, then break up with her. The simple solution usually works the best, no need to over-think this one buddy.

    • at the moment we are not sleeping or dating other people. After I told her I don't want to give this a label and we might not be in relationship in the future if things don't go well. I also told her witholding sex with me is not going to work.

      I do like her, she is stunning, smart, really good cook too but every time I see her she gives me different personality. I still haven't figure her out yet.

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    • I don't think she is the right woman for you, to be honest. If she threatened to cut ties very easily, that means she's just not that attracted to you, or she's willing to use power games to get what she wants, both of which bode horribly for a long-term relationship. Do yourself and your pride a favor, dump her now and save face.

    • That's exactly what I told her, she doesn't take me seriously. She said she was trying to cut her lost because she feels like I'm stringing her along. I ask her to promise not to cut ties easily again if she is unhappy talk to me first. She promised she won't do it. I will observe for a bit longer now.. I just can't commit to relationship to her at this stage