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What makes a couple sexually incompatible?

That is, what would make two people sexually incompatible that could not be worked through and resolved? I've been trying to think of a sexual incompatibility that could not be overcome though compromise or through teaching each other and learning from each other, and I haven't come up with anything. If two people really care about pleasing each other, shouldn't they be able to reach a compromise about sexual issues? Aside from, of course, something like sexual orientation, but two people should know going into a relationship whether that's going to be a barrier, haha.

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • Sexual incompatibility? What matters is what we are willing to sacrifice for each other. Too often we demand this or that from our partner: we want the other to be compatible with us, instead of thinking how we can make our partner happy, even if it means a little sacrifice. That is why divorces, break-ups, etc are so prevalent: our thinking is about "me, me, me" instead of "us". That is why pre-marital sex is so prevalent: to test out the waters, to see if the other person is "compatible with us" (not the other way round, mind you), because we don't want to make an effort for our partner, because we want to see if there is "chemistry". We want everything to instantly click together like in this TV show or that other movie. But relationships take work. Call me a dinosaur, but I believe couples were happier a hundred years ago when divorce was taboo compared to today, when breaking-up as we grow tired of each other is natural. Why? In the old days, couples didn't even think of finding someone else, so they focused all their energy on their existing relationship since there was no other possibility: work on it, fix it, endure it no matter what. I am not saying being trapped in a relationship is good; what I am trying to point out is how good the "let's make this thing work" mindset is. When people set their minds this way, they learned to sacrifice, they learn to know each other and to live for each other. And that is the only way a relationship can grow. The point here is not whether divorce or splitting up is good or bad. Rather, I am trying to point out the wonderful things that happen when people decide to stay with each other even if it entails making sacrifices. I know this might sound counterintuitive, but the beauty of a relationship is in the sacrifices we make. Love is, above all, to give. In the end, we learn to give with joy, because when we give, we receive, because there is no "you" or "me" anymore: there's only "us", for we have learned to become one. The joy of knowing that we gave up ourselves for our partner's sake will make us forget what it is that we just sacrificed. What does it matter that we suffered a little if it brings a smile to our loved one's face? If one person in a relationship is willing to sacrifice, that relationship has a future. If both parties and willing to do whatever it takes for each other, that relationship is pure bliss. "So what happened to Joe and Jane? " "Oh, they split up because there were sexually incompatible". Sure.

    • Wow. You have quite eloquently summed up exactly how I feel about this issue. I mean, what kind of a relationship is it if you're not willing to make sacrifices for the person you "love"? Two people out only for their own pleasure do not a happy couple make.

What Guys Said 4

  • Well, there are a few that I can think of. One is frequency. When one of them wants it much more often than the other, that can be a problem. Another is laziness/uninhibitedness. When one of them isn't willing to do something the other wants to do, then one of them will feel like they are missing something. Aside from those 2 things, most other issues with it can be easily be worked out. ;-)

  • Generations have certain mores, values etc. That may become a problem later on. Like hygiene. Other examples: I have never been with a women, until recently, that took a third party to bed with us (vibrator). But, I can deal with it before or after. I'm just old fashioned or out of touch that way. Another: sometimes being 100% honest about your sexuality, preferences and/or experiences backfires when you both start talking about it-leading to forced abstainance!

  • OK, I answered this on your previous question. Sorry, new here. But. You're partially right, people can work out a lot through compromise and learning. Particularly if they're in a committed marriage, and staying together is more important than absolute compatibility. But any 2 people will start out at a different level of compatibility. Some will be great, some very far apart, to the extent they'll never work out. People can (or let's say "will") only change so much. Sex is so important and fundamental to human nature, that people have *strong* preferences for certain physical things, fetishes maybe, or even very different emotional and physical approaches to love-making. Don't believe me? Read advice columns, they're full of people talking about this exact thing. Typical letter: Dear Persephone, I really really like it when my boyfriend does "X" to me, but he doesn't like that at all. I've tried 940 different ways to get him to do it, and sometimes he will to please me, but I can tell he's just not into it. I love him, and he's great in many ways, but this one incompatibility is really disappointing. What should I do? And these are people who were *not* virgins before they met, and who (supposedly) had some idea of how sexually compatible they were before making a committment. And they *still* find problems. Imagine what it's like for 2 people who have *no* sexual tryout, and get married anyway! Or just ask some friends of yours who've had multiple romantic/sexual partners (assuming you have some). Find out how many of those just didn't work out too well because the sexual chemistry wasn't "there". Among all the reaons people don't work out, sex is definitely one of the biggies.

    • No problem, lol. I do have friends who have been with several partners, and I'll try talking to them about it. I just feel like, if two people are willing to wait to have sex, they may be more flexible with their preferences when they do. Do you agree?

  • There are the obvious but mostly rare ones, like he's too big for her and it hurts them both or he cums too quickly. Some girls also involuntarily cry during sex. Some guys cannot climax inside a woman under any circumstances. There are a few other things like that I've heard of but they're all pretty uncommon (except for the premature ejaculation, which affects 25%+ of men under 40).

    • But wouldn't those things (except maybe the "too big for her" one) be a bigger problem than just incompatibility with one person? Seems like most of those would need to be eventually overcome to have a fulfilling sex life with -any- partner.

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