How can I tell my husband that I don't want to do a threesome with another women?

my husband and I have been married for a year now..he keeps asking me to do a 3some I have told him no a number of times..he then gets mad and asks me why I won't do it..i think its nasty..i get very upset when he mentions it and I feel really sh*tty..and I ask myself why am I not enough..why is this 3some so important to him?i want to explain to him why I'm not into it..but every time I try he gets upset with me..he says he only wants to do it to keep our sex life enjoyable...what the I not good enough?


Most Helpful Guy

  • you just him straight out that you expect him to be faithful and that a 3some won´t happen because it´s not naturla to do or want that or to even think about requesting it from your partner especially your wife,

    So don´t let one thing happen: do not under any circumstances let him make you feel guilty because you hesitate and don´t want a 3some.

    communication is everything talk about it but till him right away ( if you don´t want it) that there´s NO way a 3some going to happen with yourself involved.

    If he truly loves you he will never talk about it and after a while maybe forget about it.

    if not you should draw your own conclusions but form my point of view a threesome is neither natural nor progressive or some of that bs even if everybody is so so liberal these days.

    don´t get me wrong i´m not a religious fanatic or a prude but that´s jus how I see it and I would never even ask my girlfriend for sth like that.

    just stay strong Confidence is something you build with ur actions.No one can give it 2 you or sell it 2 u. Your confidence must come from you.

    so do what´s right only 4 YOU. ( in this matter)


What Guys Said 26

  • Any reason why "I don't want to have a threesome with another woman" won't work?

    And maybe I'm old-fashioned, but minor details--like the number of naked people in the bed--are the sort of thing one sorts out during the engagement, I would think.

  • A 3-some is one of the most frequent sexual fantasies of all men.

    Just say "No, I don't want that" Or "Yes, with another guy!"

  • Whoa woah whoa... you've been married a year and he thinks you need a threesome to keep your sex life enjoyable?! That's just crazy. I don't think the problem is you. The problem is he has this fantasy in his head and he's at the point where he's obsessed with it. It's clear you don't want to do this and it's clear that he doesn't care enough about you to respect your feelings. I would suggest you seek some professional counseling so you two can work through whatever issue he has.

  • Just say no ur not going to do it. It doesn't mean ur not good enough it is just a fantasy. Lets face it men like women and how can you expect men to find all other women ugly just because he's with you. If you wanted to do it that would be cool, if you don't don't he shouldn't pressure you about it just say no without anger or questions

  • Wanacot pretty much said it as is. If I were to type out an answer it would basically be a rewording of what he said with more swear words thrown in and insults towards your husband and questions on why you're wasting your time with him.

  • He should respect your decision and move on, simple as that.

  • It's not about not being good enough it's about him being a typical guy who thinks all he has to do is ask and by magic his fantasies will come true and he lives happily ever after.

    For a start I wonder how quickly the threesome idea would stop being so great if you suggested it being him and another guy.

    Also I don't think he realizes that to have a threesome and be in a serious relationship that it may cause resentment and damage the relationship, he won't be too worried about that because it will be you who has to deal with that problem due to it being MFF (male female female threesome).

    He may not be thinking clearly through this, sometimes a fantasy is best left as just that because you can't undo it once its done and if it hurts the relationship then was it worth it really.

    You clearly aren't on board so make that clear to him and there's nothing he can do about it, No means no and if he gives a damn he will respect that, if he doesn't then maybe he isn't worth bothering with.

    The worse thing he can do is have an affair to fulfil is apparent need to have another woman and if he does that then he is a dirtbag not worth your time.

    Pretty sure many guys here have the MFF fantasy, some may have gone through with it, but how many actually go for it is another matter and if you want that then be prepared to offer an MMF to make things even and not be a hypocrite.

  • Say:

    "No, I do not want a threesome. I'm also a bit offended you would ask, I thought we had something special."

    To which, he should be cleaning the house / cooking dinner / begging for forgiveness for the next month if he's got a brain.


    I'm not married but in a long term relationship (um, like 5yrs or so) and I must be unique, I'd never want a threesome. Unless it was Johnny Depp, of course, but that's a given.


  • Tell him you will do it, if first he does a threesome with another guy. Tell him you have always had a fantasy about watching him get as...f...kd.

    Of course this has the downside that it could backfire on you big time if that excites him, but if not, it should shut him down.

  • It's a simple little word that you probably know quite well.


    You might be better advised to ask why, after just a year is this guy that you knew so well that you wanted to commit your entire life to him suddenly changing into the demanding sex fiend? I mean the new has barely worn off you right?

    Let me guess. YOu guys were probably intimate for close to a year before you got married right?

  • If he can't accept that you don't want to do it then its his fault and problem not your's. If he loved you and cared about you. Once you said no, he would of dropped his fantasy..least I would. Simply tell him its you or the fantasy. If he picks you then yay:). If he picks the fantasy then get out asap.

  • Just tell him you'll meet him halfway: a threesome but with another guy. Since your husband is clearly more into it than you are, tell him they can go first; you'll watch. :)

  • How about saying, "gee honey, seems like it would be fun but somethings are best to imagination". Such images usually don't turn out as good as they would seem to.

  • Say "Who is the other guy?"

  • That's an excuse from him, as well on your part, you aren't being firm enough. When he asks again, ask why, when he says to to keep our sex life enjoyable simply reply am I doing anything wrong? Am I not enough? With his response you should just glare at him and say instead of being immature and thinking about your self, I'm not that comfortable with another female in the bedroom. If he says then what about another room, simply say that was out of line and you should count your self lucky because there's men only getting sex once a month.

    Then instead of questioning your self you shouldn't stress about it because it will eat at you, instead make a deal with him, instead of a three way why not cosplay, or another fetish. Plenty of other things.

  • Sorry, but your husband is an asshole for even asking. That goes for the girl if she asked.

  • My wife and I have had extremely long conversations about this. Though we have been together for 11 years and not a year. Spicing up the sex life is fine but there are other ways. My wife and I know from experience. If he wants another women then it is only fair that you get another man. Not saying you should but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Just my opinion.

  • He sounds needy and slimey all in one. Honestly, and this may sound harsh, but if I wanted a 3some and I was married, it would be because I was no longer interested in sex with the one person I committed to. This sounds like approval to cheat or step out/adultry. Isn't too much different in my mind to asking to have sex with someone else without you...only he thinks that by involving you...that somehow makes it ok

  • Why do you think 3 somes are nasty? Do you not like sex? Or just not the thought of getting sexual with another women? (If so, you can have a rule the women don't touch each other). Or you don't want him to touch the other woman? (then you can have a rule against that). Sorry to say, but No, one woman is not usually good enough for a healthy male. So you have a choice -- either have fun together, or he may have it in secret without you. And for the hater here -- lighten up, do what you like, but don't expect us all to think just like you. Remember, people can be different.

  • I think your husband is an asshole and is a embarrassment to all guys in general.

  • sounds like you got married too early if he's not interested in your feelings then

    problems are on the horizon.?

  • People get turned on by different things,...

    What would he do if you wanted to have a vouyer experience where he and another guy had sex while you watched?

    Find a middle ground, see if watching a 3some video while having sex would be a nice "once and a while" thing. And see if he has some other fetish that sounds more up your alley.

  • men will always be like that and never appreciate what they have. you should be more dominant and put out your feelings to him and explain. maybe get him to place himself in ur position if you wanted to be with another man. if he's an open guy and that doesn't work then you should really emphasize that it hurts ur self esteem. if he cares for you he'll start taking that into account and if he doesn't maybe more drastic measures should be taken. really push him on it, dnt let him walk over you and make you feel bad first

  • I understand keeping sex life enjoyable but not at the expense of third parties. He sounds like he is too focused on sexual activities or he's trying to reach out to fill in something that the relationship has neglected him by focusing on round about reasons and ways he can stay mentally into the relationship. But I'd guess the latter first. Maybe you can try bringing it up to him in a soft manner. Be neither submissive nor aggressive *though submissive can work on those with higher levels of pride) and explain how much it hurts you and you exact feelings on the matter. Without attacking his morals or desires. I wish you luck.

  • Ask him if he would like to have a threesome with him and another guy?


What Girls Said 20

  • Your question was written a long time ago! What ever was the outcome of this? Is he over asking you? Have you seperated? Did you finally give in and do another girl for him?

  • It's nothing to do with you really. I know it must feel like it but some guys just have this fantasy and really want to experience it. You can also think of it in terms of him wanting to include you is a compliment. He could go behind you back but he wants you to be a part of it. Ask how he would feel if the third person was another man, would he feel comfortable if you did that. Just tell him exactly why you don't like the idea of him being with another woman and if he understands then he will just have to sacrifice it because some women just don't want to see their man with any other woman. I do agree with you though, I wouldn't want a threesome either!

  • well we all know that he shouldn't be asking you to do this but if I was in your shoes id say okay id do it in one condition, If we have a threesome with another man with us.. and he has to do everything I want to him.. BELIEVE ME he will forget about it.

    plus tell him I wouldn't want to share you with someone so why would you wanna share me with someone?

  • You shouldn't have to do one. I can totally understand, I would never do one myself. If you are married to one person, that should be the only person you're having sex with. He's getting upset because you don't want him to have sex with another woman, basically.

    It's just consented cheating, to me. Tell him to drop it or this won't work, seriously.

  • If you've told him No several times, you have a problem with him that goes way beyond sex. He needs to respect your decision Period.

  • Wow. Well, tell him that you'd like to get counseling, and if he refuses, kindly ask him for a separation. He needs to realize that it belittles your marriage, and makes you feel like you aren't good enough (which you are, by the way!) It breaks my heart to hear women go through this.

    As long as you've been completely honest with ALL of your reasons for not wanting to add an extra person into the mix, you've done everything you can. Also, you're not alone- I learned in my human sexualities class that adding an extra person into your bed can cause LOTS of discourse and lead to marital problems. Even my professor (who is very open and progressive) said that it's a not a good idea for a healthy marriage.

    If he wants to add some spice to your love life, get some handcuffs and a whip... after that I'd beat him. (1/2 joking)

  • if there's one thing that should be sacred in marriage its sexual "lines." no one has the right to try to force you to do something you're not comfortable with and id seriously be concerned if he has a particular third sexual partner in mind.

  • that's crazy, husband asks for 3some? hum, he's very selfish, just want to be happy by himself and obviously he doesn't care if you feel happy or not and keep asking about this, "do it to keep our sex life enjoyable"? , just he enjoys, not u. So for exp, if you accepted to do 3some with him, who can make sure he won't do that again and again, many men is very greedy, they won't stop after they have and will ask again and again, and ur marriage would be falled down 100%( sorry I have to say this). So don't accept, and if he still ask, then talk a other handsome and actractive man to ur home and ask him do 3some, if he still loves u, he will stop asking and understand how you feel and how hard and upset and sad you have to stand now.

    Um, and you should find out why he wants 3some, you should refresh ur sexual life, maybe he gets bored with old things, so try to read and change, this depends on ur creation, so show him this, make him feel you are best and he won't think this anymore.

    Best regards

  • you husband seems like a jerk... Id tell him off. you said no and that's the end of it. and you should b all he needs, that's how a marriage works

  • You should tell him what you just said am I not enough wtf I don't like it its not for me and you can't get mad ask him to have a 3some with a man and he would say no so there's the point you like men and he like women ok so why can't you all just have crazy and wild sex why add a person you don't know or even do know.

  • Well he just needs to except the fact that you're not okay with the whole 3some thing. You should try talking to him about how it makes you feel because if you don't he's just going to keep asking you and is never going to take the hint. I would also say no to a 3some because it wouldn't feel right, it would be like my husband was cheating on me and I was watching and didn't do anything about it...AWKWARD! If he doesn't think the sex is good enough then you need to give him some suggestions to make it more enjoyable excluding the whole 3some idea. You could take some sex classes or do some research on ways to enjoy sex. I hope that helps. Oh and don't ever think that you're not good enough because he just doesn't notice how truly amazing you are. :D

  • First of all, you're married - maybe your husband forgot the detail of "forsaking all others" in your sacred contract.

    Second, I'm glad that you tried to explain to him how it makes you feel. Kudos to you, since many women would just either "do it" hoping he'd lay off and be satisfied, or try to sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is honky dory. I can't stress enough how communication is key. I gather that you realize this since you already tried to talk to him.

    Some men do not realize (some just don't care) how a request like this makes us feel. Unloved, disrespected, crappy, unappealing (to say the least)...the list goes on.

    When he took those vows, he vowed to God, to you and the world that you ARE good enough for him, all he needs. He's definitely not saying or showing this now.

    Why IS this 3'some so important to him? He's never had one? So what if he hasn't. A lot of men go their whole lives and never do. What then? Having one puts him at the top of some man's "awesome job" list with a pat on the back? His last notch is supposed to be yours...that's what he agreed to when he married you. Contrary to what he says, "he only wants to do it to keep our sex life enjoyable", he is NOT keeping your sex life or your relationship enjoyable. Maybe for him, but not you. Are you not a part of this relationship? Should you not have a say? That remark is full of spite and hurtful meaning. Enjoyable? What the heck is that supposed to mean other than what the word implies?

    Believe me, there are plenty of other things you can do to spice up your relationship and they don't involve physically bringing in other women. You've only been married for a year and he's already wanting other women. Why did he ask you to marry him then if he wasn't ready to commit to you and only you?

    If you don't want to have a 3'some then don't, plain and simple. He should respect that.

    I don't want to hear the phrase, "Men are like that..." or "Boys will be boys" used to excuse bad actions because it's a huge stinking pile of cow dung that enablers say, allowing things to happen.

    Approach him as a friend and a wife and explain that you think this is important to talk about. Find out why he feels the need to bring another woman in to keep your sex life "enjoyable" as he says. Offer him other options you're comfortable with, such as "dirty talk", "role play", "fantasies", or "adult toys."

    Ask him how comfortable he'd be if it were you that wanted another man brought into the relationship. Sometimes, they just aren't thinking how they'd feel if roles were reversed.

  • Just tell him. Don't sugar coat it or anything. That's your man and its not strange for you not to want to share him with another woman. Let him know you want him all to yourself and could not deal with the thought of him pleasing or being pleased by another woman. Straight to the point. If he wants a change that bad dress up for him (wig and all). Give him some variety in the bedroom.

  • If you thinks its because your sex life isn't spiced up enough then try role play, sex toys, or anything else. If I were you... Don't do it. He's testing how far he can push the boundaries that you guys have laid down. Most marriages do fall apart after the first year due to the fact that the lust has gone down. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you. If he keeps pressuring you and your relationship won't work then you need to get rid of him.

  • You are good enough... that sounds like a copout line when he says "he only wants to do it to keep our sex life enjoyable". Sounds like he just wants to enjoy 2 women. Porn sites are full of that kind of stuff and he just wants to live out the fantasy. Ask him if he's comfortable with you bringing another man into your bedroom... In the meantime, if you feel the need to spice things up there are certainly other ways to do it. You can do some personal research and surprise him with other ways.

    I don't know you, but when I hear of situations like this and I don't want to upset you, I can't help but feel you married a man who may cheat. Heck, he's already asking you for permission to do so. But please don't think by agreeing to this that you'll somehow keep him from cheating. If he's already asking permission to cheat agreeing with him is only going to open more doors for him. I believe when someone truly loves someone they don't want anyone else and they certainly don't want to share each other.

    Marriage is a sacred thing and he's trying to demean it. Besides, if you did agree I'm pretty sure it will hang over both of you for many years because you'll always feel the cheating part of it in your heart and I don't know how you can keep trusting him. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of people who disagree with me, but everyone's different. The fact remains, marriage is for 2 people, not 3 or more, and if you tarnish it now, it could remain tarnished.

  • Two ideas I have
    1 yes fine, we do MFF after we do MMF he might say yes, be carful.

    2 yes fine if you do something for me first, let me fuck you in the ass with a strapon. Once again, be carful some guys like that, my husband said yes

  • I have been married for almost 17 years. We had threesomes with many women for most of our marriage because I was submissive and never put a stop to it. My husband started falling in love with the last women we were with. It was such a horrible experience for my whole family. I left my husband and took all my kids with me, all four of them, because I just couldn't handle him loving another woman. That and other problems.

    Threesomes are not a fun thing. They are very complicated and to tell you at utmost truth humiliating. Don't give in. The fact he's asking just means that he doesn't respect you if he did he would have shut up about it after you said no the first time.

    Try other things to spice up your sex life and if that's not enough for him. Tell him to deal with it.

    Really good luck.

  • you've only been married for a year and if you do this everything else will become more boring (I think) so don't get pressured into doing it and he should respect you...and yea tell him you want to have a threesome with another guy first lol

  • This is so much more about an emotional connection between you and your husband than about sex. He unfortunately is not respecting your feelings. You have every right to not want a threesome and he has every right to have that fantasy. Unfortunately, your desires do not match up but that is part of marriage and relationships, even friendships.

    I think when the subject comes up again, if you can find a way to talk to him calmly and out of love, instead of out of fear or anger or frustration, and tell him you love him, you really do understand he wants sex to stay fresh and you want to find ways to make that happen, but a threesome does not work for you. Tell him that you need him to respect your feelings. Maybe even tell him that there are things that could keep your sex life fresh but that wouldn't turn him on and you would respect that too. Ask him if your orgasms matter to him. Tell him sex with another woman is not a turn on to you. He cannot mandate what turns you on. It would be like you telling him that he should enjoy sex with another man. Absurd.

    Separate from this, the guys I know who have had threesomes say it wasn't quite the thrill they expected. It isn't easy keeping two girls satisfied. It can be awkward and it lacks the emotional element that can really make sex hot. I would also add that it can create more problems instead of actually being this hot sex fantasy he probably thinks it will be. My ex-boyfriend and I tried it a few times. It was a pain finding someone to participate and I had to keep reminding my boyfriend that this other person would have their own opinions and desires to add to the mix and, sure enough, once you added a third person's opinion, the fantasy he had in his head did not work out.

  • It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his complete lack of integrity. How demeaning! The idea that sex will somehow be deficient if he can't have 2 women at once is complete BS. He should have more respect for you. When he asks you why, you need to tell him that no orgasm is worth your dignity and self-respect. Also tell him that you won't do it because you took your marriage vows seriously.