My fiancee acts sexually disinterested. He's either over it, overworked and tired, or settled.

To begin, my fiancee and I have been together three years. Just like everyone else we had sex often in the beginning, but even more than that we were extremely affectionate every second we were together. The sex wasn't our main focus...we just enjoyed each other so much and became best friends and the sex was just a bonus. We were always touching, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Whatever we could do to be affectionate in any situation; private or public. I know its normal for sex to slow down, but lately there has been ZERO sexual interest on his part. Here is a quick rundown of his past. He used to be a drug dealer, an addict (who did go to rehab and has been sober since), one of his first girlfriends used to get mad or make fun of him regarding certain sexual issues (i.e he couldn't last very long), all the girls in the past he would only F$@&. He didn't know what it was to make love to a girl. He only got his and left and 99% of the time he was high on something. After rehab...he dated a girl for two years...never cheated on her...and proved to himself he could be in a relationship without being a douche bag. All of his girlfriends before her cheated on him, so he would cheat on girls first before they could cheat on him. With his ex, he showed himself he could be a good guy even though she was a psycho bitch. Now with me... we are very open with each other. I know his fears and past problems, he knows mine, and we are extremely open with each other. I have always made sure to be extra supportive in our sexual encounters...even if they aren't always up to par. I love him and I'm not with him because of what he can do with his D%*&... I'm with him because he's an amazing guy. However, I am also a flesh and blood woman and its starting to be a shot to my self esteem, confidence in us and myself, and straight up my ego that he barely even touches me. I'm confident enough and know I'm an attractive woman. Not to be conceited, but it is what it is and I am a past model. It seems that even with me... he still holds the same fears and can't initiate anything with me unless he's had something to drink. He has admitted to me several times that he doesn't know "how to initiate". One time I was in front of him in a hot piece of lingerie, ready to go, on the bed, he came up and kissed me and then pushed away and said "You look so unbelievable I don't even know what to do with you". A change in our situation lately has been that I have been out of work for two months and he has been working his ass off at TWO jobs. I know he's tired and stressed and working very hard. I can step back and see where maybe its in my head. I'm bored, sitting at home, waiting to start my new job, and only have time to think while I'm home alone all day. My other issue is that in MY past relationships I've ALWAYS had to take a male role in some way. Whether responsibility with money, or ambition, or sex or whatever.

Updates:
CONT"D... I've always been forced into stereotypical "male roles" in some aspect of my relationships and now I am finding that again. I'm not saying ONLY guys have to initiate things, but I like a guy that takes control in the bedroom...LIKE? NO. LOVE IT
 

What's Your Opinion?

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • Simple, sex no longer means anything to him. All those women who cheated on him even though he had been having sex with them? That hurts. Especially the ex who just makes fun of him. That's going to leave its trace. Another hint is that he doesn't know what it means to make love to a girl. To him, intimacy is going to matter more than sex. I hope you're not here just to have more sex, but to heal the relationship. He enjoys spending time with you, which is intimate in a nonsexual way, but fulfills most of his needs. You need to make it sexual to fulfill your needs, though. Most people express intimacy through sex, and feel intimate during sex. He doesn't. This can be hard to fix....I speak from experience. I have had the same thing. My ex was very messed up in the head. I never cheated on anyone. I figured out, though, that I still flirted with people, even if I had no interest in having actual sex with them. I'd flirt, get their number, and not call, because I had only good memories of first encounters with my exes- getting their names, numbers, etc. tended to be the best memories I'd had with them. (Speaks a lot to their character, doesn't it?)So my girlfriend and I have started flirting way more, trying to bring up that spark. So far it's working some- it's not anywhere near a total and complete fix, but I'm hoping the disconnect between sex and intimacy will start to close. It doesn't help that my girlfriend has never had a boyfriend before me, and as such has no idea how to flirt.I hope that this helps.P.S. I doubt the drugs have anything to do with this, as I have never done drugs and am experiencing a similar problem. My performance is decent. To the contrary, I feel almost nothing during sex. A warm body can make me hard but nearly nothing turns me on. A fast orgasm does not mean there has been "Great and wonderful sex."

What Guys Said 5

  • Some combination of bein tited, overworked, and settled. Nothing strange about it.Wait until he's fresh and rested and then talk to him about being a little more adventurous. I don't think he'll be reticent with a little encouragement from you. Most of us guys are not used to having women be willing! Most are playing hard to get from puberty on and after a lifetime of that we need encouragement to be aggressive in bed.

  • seeing a consoler would really be a good idea. Maybe on your days off you can work around the house so that he comes home less stressed. Stress may very well be the number one sex drive killer, so do what you can to reduce that. Also, having a regularly scheduled day for intimacy can really help.

  • Even for a normal guy, stress, work and a busy life can get in the way of sex. Sounds like you two need to start off by getting a better balance in life. Then you can start to work on addressing your longer term issues. With all your past, I'd seriously consider you two seeing a counselor. It will provide an opportunity for the two of you to work together in educating each other about how to meet each others' needs.

  • you need to bread it off with this one, find out why you are attracting the cycle your are in and begin to change your feelings about yourself so that you break the cycle. after you do that you will find that you are not attracted to this type of guy no longer and will not attract these types to you. take time for yourself and stop being the alpha-helper type.. get what you want, settle for no less.

  • Acts? You have the wrong idea -entirely-.In sex and love, there's no acting.

What Girls Said 2

  • If your only issue with this is in the bedroom then I think you have two choices. You can either leave him and move on, or you can try to pump up his self esteem until he can get confident enough to be what you want sexually. There's no guarantee the second option will work. Still it might work if you try to undo the damage that the ex did to him by mocking him sexually. This would take some time. I think you'd have to positively react to almost everything he does sexually, especially if he's taking any kind of initiative at all. Even if you start things, if he's the one to escalate it you would really need to let him know that it turns you on. It's a subtle thing. You've got to be able to do this without it sounding like pressure for the future. Build him up. Make him realize that you find him attractive. And given his past you should especially praise everything related at all to his d***. If guys feel bad about that nothing works. And don't expect results immediately. Especially with the d*** stuff, it'll take some time for him to really believe that you want it.

  • Stress, work, money issues, relationship issues and comfortably settled in can all be a reason for this.

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