How and when should I tell a guy I don't want to have sex with him?

So this guy and I have been having a 'thing' for the past month. We're both in different colleges and not dating, but we do act like a couple. We hold hands publicly, kiss publicly, make out, cuddle and stuff but never had sex. I feel like he's getting more and more passionate every time we kiss... Show More

Most Helpful Guy

  • Right now, you are effectively LYING to this guy, because you haven't told him this up-front and let him made a decision whether or not to continue to "date" you.

    This is going to sound cruel and shallow, but you need to hear it because it's the truth. Most men don't want female "friends"; they only pay attention to women if they have sexual or romantic (which itself implies sexual) interest in them. They become "friends" hoping that things will eventually become sexual (or romantic and sexual).

    Now, obviously, you are doing sexual stuff with this guy already, so he thinks he's on the path that is going to lead to actual sex, and you certainly can't fault him for thinking that, can you? But you already know, and have known, that you don't plan to have sex with him, so, essentially, you are using him for what YOU want (attention), but have no intention of giving him what HE wants (sex). Chances are, when he finds out, he's going to be both hurt and PISSED OFF, because he's going to feel used and lied to. This is no different from a guy who has been having sex with a girl by promising that they'll "eventually" make their relationship "official' when he has no plans of ever doing that. When she eventually realizes that it's never gonna happen, she's hurt and pissed.

    If you were up-front with the guy from the beginning about not having sex with him, and he CHOSE to continue to spend time with you and give you the attention you want, then that would be totally fine, because he made his choice with full knowledge of the situation. Even though he'd be hoping you'd eventually change your mind, he knows the whole time that it may not happen, and knows he took that risk himself. But you weren't honest with the guy, and now you're hooked on the attention, and are stringing him along with implied promises of future sex that you know you're never going to make good on.

    I'm assuming you're a virgin from the way you asked your question, and at least you can use that as an excuse (a kind of BS one, but still). But you need to come clean with this guy ASAP, even if that means he never talks to you again. And in the future, you shouldn't "date" guys who you would never sleep with (unless you tell them so up-front), because the whole world assumes that if you start dating, you are heading down that path, and if you know you aren't, and you don't tell the guy, then it's all a lie.

    • Well, that's the thing. We're not dating nor are we together. Nothing has been established between us, we're just in a sort of limbo right now. If we were and we had a future together I'd happily lose my virginity to him but I know this thing between us is only temporary, no matter how much and how hard I'm falling for him. I'm afraid if I lose my v-card to him I'll be that much more attached to him. Are you saying he's only in it for sex though?

    • Show Older
    • You're confused because you've allowed yourself to be in a confusing relationship. You shouldn't be doing PDA/kissing/making out, etc. with a guy you won't have sex with. You my still be a virgin, but you're also an adult, and so is he, and adults expect relationships to eventually include sex (and that's a reasonable expectation). Making out and PDA are things people in a romantic relationship do, so even though it isn't "official', that's still what everyone expects.

    • He's not in it JUST for sex, in the same way you don't go out to dinner JUST to eat food, but it's kind of the key element of the experience, and there's be little point in going to a fancy restaurant if they didn't serve food, right?

      I'm not saying you owe him (or anyone) sex, I'm saying you can't have it both ways. If you aren't going to give him sex, then stop doing the other stuff too, because you are building false expectations for him and just making it confusing for both of you.