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Got married too fast, and now I'm concerned! Advice really needed..

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband with all of my heart, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that he's the right person for me. My concerns are stemming from the fact that the added pressure from being married is sending us on a tailspin, and I'm just not sure how to fix it!I haven't even known my husband for a year. We met at the very beginning of March, and we were married at the end of June. I became pregnant at the beginning of June, and due to my health insurance not covering maternity we got married. We already knew that we were in love. We already knew we wanted to be together long term, and it didn't seem forced/rushed at that time. It just made sense. Yes, planning a big wedding would've been what I wanted, but that wasn't going to happen with a bun in the oven. We found out that we were going to miscarry 3 days before getting married, and we still decided that's what we wanted to do.Fast forward 5 months, and I'm freaking out! We found out about 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant again (we were trying), but I'm so overwhelmed this time around. It seems to me that all of the responsibilities in our relationship fall in my lap, and I'm starting to resent it. If we would've had a longer transition period from dating to marriage I wouldn't be bothered at all... the things that I do are what a wife SHOULD do, but a girlfriend of 9 months would never be expected to do the things that I do.I do ALL of the parenting to my 3.5 year old stepson (enrolled him in school, get him ready in the morning, drop him off, pick him up, make all of his meals, bathe him, teach him, discipline him, play with him, read to him, clean up after him... EVERYTHING). My husband works a lot, but that doesn't mean I should be the one left to parent his child completely. I do all of the cleaning. I do all of the laundry. I'm the only one who cooks, or packs my husbands lunches, or pays the bills, or gets anything done at all!I also am a small business owner, and trying to manage EVERYTHING else that I have to do and work is next to impossible.What can I do? How can I go back to the giddy feeling that I had when I'd see my husband before instead of being constantly frustrated. Plus, being pregnant again... I don't know how I'm possibly going to manage a new baby on top of everything else!Somebody please talk to me, or give me some words of strength/encouragement. I just need some darn help!

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • "I just need some darn help" <-- You already know what you need ^_^Simply put, to me it sounds like you have been waiting a long time to get the old affection you guys had together. I don't know much about marriage, kids, or managing a business.. But, I think we're all human and could use a little fun. To me, it gives me a reason to deal with all the overwhelming aspects of life, it's kinda like my man-cave.. Having my girlfriend laugh and smile with me. It just makes me feel good ya know?Anyways, all you'd have to do for the above is to fill him in. Something like this is encourage because it avoids pointing blame or disregarding the other person :)"John, I could really use you right now. This week has gotten to me and I just need my husband."Keep in mind that you start with saying a one-liner to find out if he has the time "right now" - he may have to take care of something immediately important like work. Allowing you to maintain your patience for when he can give you some help. Once he identifies that he's willing to help, tell hiim what you need from him (e.g. "Just a weekend away from everything" or "Remember that date in high school.. something like that babe! I just wanna spend time with you".. etc)The truth is that you won't always have people around to take care of these duties. And what doesn't kill you does make you stronger. Before I go any further, please keep in mind that if you feel you cannot bear the duty, then do ask for help otherwise it will consume you and hurt the relationship. But if you can struggle through the duty/responsibility, then try to find a way to recharge your spirits without resorting to stupid sh*t like alcohol or drugs. Something positive like art or hiking, or someone like your husband, maybe even a Friday-night with your friends! But over time it will be easier to deal with, especially if you can carry the burden solo and recharge your spirits properly.~ ArtistBBoy

    • Great advice. I really appreciate you taking the time for such an in depth response! I like the advice of making mention when there's a rough week, and phrasing it the way you suggested. I'm definitely one to keep everything bottled up because I don't wanna feel like I'm bitching every day, but then it results in me feeling the way I do now ---- Completely taken for granted and burnt out! I think I do need some help for sure, but the sticky part will be determining where he can pick up the slack!

    • Well, your very welcome and I appreciate the feedback :) One more thing to note is that when I feel overwhelmed I try not to push duties/etc off on my partner.. Who knows if she is overwhelmed, and if she were, it might make her feel even more burnt out / unappreciated / etc.. So I try instead to reach out to friends / relatives / co-workers / etc.. And when I have my spirits lifted, I try to keep an eye out for how / when I can repay the favors, that way I keep good networking ethics :)

What Guys Said 6

  • Well as a woman, you know your deal with it and get through it, but at least you know now what to tell your kids if they think of going down the same path as you when they reach that age, because apart from dealing with it, you have one option, talk to him about it and compramise your situation where he takes on a little more, otherwise your relationship will find strains it don't need, or might not survive, good luck,x

    • Very true. I just wish he was easier to talk to, and didn't get so defensive. Any tips for talking to a man so he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him?

    • Here if your honest, you can start by saying that you have not brought it up before because of being worried about him thinking you were on the attack, but you now feel that if you don't talk now then the problem will just grow and that's not what you want, but reassure him that your not attacking him, by then I think he will listen instead of judge,x

  • You feel that you are doing an far greater share of the household chores than he is doing. And you may well be right about that. You'll need to talk about that. And here are a few rules that will make that talk so much more smooth:1) Do not accuse. Tell him how YOU feel, not what he should feel or do. Tell him what YOU want. Invite him to join in and solve the problem.2) Find out how you can distribute the RESPONSIBILITIES more equal between the two of you. Make sure that you understand and accept that the person with the responsibility also have the power to define HOW and WHEN a specific tas is done. If he takes on the responsibility of cleaning the living room, then you MUST NOT order him around telling him how or when to do it. If you do that you grab the responsibility right back and make him a robot without any responsibility. You are well within your right to complain that the living room is dirty, that is OK, but must make sure that you have actually released yourself from his responsibilities. THIS IS DIFFICULT. Horribly difficult. But it has to be done if you want your life to get better.Basically, avoid micromanagement. Or even better, avoid management. Make sure that you both manage your own stuff. In that way you do not have to be both master and slave.This of course does not exclude talking together. Sharing responsibility or discussing things. You should both be open about asking for things, but keeping emotional content out of this work-sharing discussion will help you both a lot....Some people manage to share chores pretty evenly without to much management. This happens when you both have similar thresholds for dirt-tolerance and disorder and both have about the same workload outside of the home. But when one of you feel the need to vacuum twice a day, and the other can't be bothered with vacuuming more than once a week - then it gets more important that you both agree on responsibility. Who has the power of definition for a certain task. And the person who is not in charge must learn to let go. It is important to realize that once-a-week and twice-a-day are both equally valid vacuuming schemes. The person with the responsibility must be allowed to do the task according to his/her scheme.

  • If I'm right in understanding this, you are overwhelmed by the amount of work you are doing and don't think your husband is pulling his weight?You have to talk to him about creating a more equal distribution of household chores and parenting. Don't be accusatory but tell him how you feel and what you need. Discuss what he can do to help you out at home. Let him choose the things he doesn't mind doing.Communication is important.

    • Yes, exactly! I just don't know how to split things up more evenly, and when ever I bring up the topic he gets so defensive! Even some minor help, but a "Thank you" once in a while would be wonderful! I don't think he fully understands what it is like to go from being single and responsible only for myself to a full-fledged mother & wife with a million added responsibilities in such a short time. If I had time to ease into everything I've been doing I wouldn't be as annoyed.

    • yeah that sounds frustrating. There must be something he's willing to do

  • I would try getting help from the family if they're accessible. Sure, this is his child, but now it's also your child, which means he's part of his and your family. Grandmothers, grandfather's, uncles and aunts (of the child) may be able to help watch the kid and do some housework. You shouldn't have to do all that alone. Granted, that's just how amazing moms are sometimes. Raising several kids while doing housework while working a job and still able to smile through it. Don't look at it too negatively. It may be a lot of stuff, but it's your life. Your children, your family, your world. You can handle it, because it's worth it.

    • Thank you! I know that I CAN handle it, but it's just really hard to go from being a single 22 year old to a married 23 year old with all of the responsibilities of a mother when I'm still learning. I'm really good at it, and I know that I am, but I'm just becoming resentful that MY life seems to be the only one that has changed.I suppose I could try to get more help from my in-laws. I just don't even know how to broach the subject though.

    • Well, I would suggest building a nice relationship with them. They're part of your family, so invite them to dinner, maybe to celebrate the new baby or something. It would be a good opportunity to see if maybe someone would want to babysit a bit. Of course you don't want it to seem like you're dumping the child on them, so make it clear that you want help, and not that you want them to babysit. Especially with a second child coming, you could use some help as you're inexperienced.

  • You're a great woman. Yes, it may have been fast, but your desire to make it work is what deserves to be commended. It sounds like you and your husband need some time just for the two of you. Is there any way that a family member could watch your stepson for a week and the two of you take a week or so just to yourselves? Maybe take a small trip, do some sightseeing, have some time just dedicated to the two of you and your relationship?Also, I'd encourage you to read Proverbs 31:10-31. You'll know why when you read it. (I can't post links yet, so just get rid of the spaces in between the periods in the link below)www . biblegateway . com/passage/?search=Proverbs+31%3A10-31&version=ESV

    • Love this! Thank you! I think some away time really would be wonderful, but we'll probably have to wait a few months... at least until after Christmas, and once both of our work schedules die down in the spring. It just feels like a lifetime away right now! lol.. Maybe we can get away for New Years though... just for an extended weekend. That might do the trick!

  • Fack! You got in there fast and now you're no so happy. This is why people say to take your time, get to "know" the person.Why doesn't the child's mom look after him?Have you told your husband how you feel? How does he feel? Can you help each other?You can do it. It can be done. And you will do it! Good luck.

    • Haha.. ya believe me.. I know! I would be happy if I was still being treated like we'd only been together for 9 months instead of a full on wife! I want dates, and flowers (not from the f***ing grocery store), and a little mystery! So much to ask for? lolThe mother is a piece of work. She's just incompetent.Yes, I've told him how I feel, but our communication skills are lacking. He just shuts down when we talking about anything of substance. I'm trying to find out HOW to help each other. :(

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    • Re - communication issues - you guys may consider partaking in a listening course. I know it helped me with my girlfriend. Just wished she'd take the course to be able to listen to me. It's difficult to explain, as I'm not an instructor on the subject, but it has to do with the fact that we only "hear" and seldom interpret or evaluate what is really happening, making it hard for us to respond correctly. By taking the local listening course (introductory level) it opened my eyes and mind.

    • Love the "listening course" idea! We both have the problem of only "hearing" a small amount of what one another says! Especially when it's a situation like this when so much is being said on either side (I'm thinking particularly of our argument last night where I finally said something about being so darn overwhelmed)... It's definitely something I'll look into!

What Girls Said 1

  • he already and the son. What would he do to take care of him you were in the picture. I'm not saying the kid doesn't deserve your love. but your husband would be had to do SOMETHING to support his kid. w/e that is. tell him to do it now. to help. its aso his child as is the one you're carrying. you're both parents if he's going to sh*t down we then he's being your child. not your childs fatherhis communication disaster is the first thing you need to work out. its not flowers and mystery you HAVE mystery he wint communicate. you don't need mystery. ou need communication and a concrete plan. you can't hae fun until things are settled . you be the 'adult'. you have to help him help you help each other. he's being pathetic. and you're looking at thins from the wrong angle. settle the chldren and hose affairs. then plan dates.

    • His parents helped him out A LOT before. He had gone through a nasty breakup (not the child's mother - he never dated her), and moved back home for a while. His dad would do his laundry, his mom would make his breakfast/pack his lunch... and they'd both help out with his son all the time. I guess that makes it easy for him to take me for granted. I should've known!Concrete Plan? Suggestions for that? Plan dates? You think that'll make a big difference?

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