his ex is alienating the kids and convinced him its because of me.. now he needs time, his kids come first and he is overwhelmed after 2 years?

sorry, can't make it short:) we are not teens, but mature adults he will turn 40 and i am 42.he is divorced w 4 kids @ home (12,16,16,18)& a manipulating exwife who he thinks is one of his best friends.i have one 14yog.his ex recently got dui & they may want her to do jail time (she worked for the jail so lost her job, her car, herlicense and her home), his 18 yos was enlisted in army was scheduled to leave in aug to bootcamp, but arrested for joyriding and petty theft and is in jail. his 16 yos does not get along with neice (she is hard to get along with) and at Easter dinner was disrespectful and called her a "hoe" as she walked past. my brotherinlaw blew up on him. bf told me that was the final straw and his ex said the kids hate me and i am coming between them. he said our families clash too much and although he loves me and knows there is noone better; he doesn't want to date, just wants to be friends because he is too stressed w kids and ex and how our family gets along to handle a relationship. he needs time because he feels his family is falling apart and acting out and he needs to concentrate on them and its just easier when he isn't in a relationship. contrary to this- a few weeks ago he wanted me to move in with them. b4 the breakup he said the problems we had were just speed bumps and would only make us stronger. he hasn't unfriended me online, our relationship status and our photos are still up. I'm thinking he is just overwhelmed and needs to know if and/or for how long both his ex and his son will be in jail for. get through the stress & have a plan. how close should i be, should i contact him often, should i let him lead? is it over? is there a way to make him realize after he reduces some of his stress that his ex is speaking her feelings and passing them to him as "his children feel" as she tells him the kids will talk to her, but when they talk to him or my daughter they love me and want us to be together.
Updates:
UPDATE.gave him a few days w nc (except 4 fri dance class)& received a text stating "i am a f-- idiot.i know i will never love another woman as i do you & i need to work on my personal relationship skills. i've failed miserably. baby steps i guess
he seems to have realized he allowed the stress &negative influences of his ex affect our relationship & can't imagine his life wo me.he has talked to his adult son who lives elsewhere & gave him an unbiased opinion "dad, 4get the bs & be happy"

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You need to tell your bf that he shouldn't be doing this alone. You two have had two years together and he said it himself its just speed bumps. Though the question I have to ask is is his ex manipulating his family to move against you as well. You need to tell him you are there for him and want to go through this with him. If he is not willing to do this together than you have to ask yourself is he going to do this everytime things get rough. The other this is I understand he is stuck dealing with his ex, because of the kids, but at the same point he doesn't have to let her run his life. Its again a you or her scenario. If he wants you, he will do what he needs to do and have you there with him. If he is too torn, then you have to wonder what he was thinking about when he got involved with you. Sometimes you have to look out for you and your daughter first. That does not sound like a healthy situation to be in for both of you.

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    • my first approach when we had our talk was that we could do this together and it was important that his children and ex saw that i was going to be here and not going anywhere. yes i do believe his ex is manipulating the children as well giving him the guilt trip. he is being diplomatic and says he just wants to be friends and not date anyone; he knows there isn't anyone better for him just he needs to get a handle on things and needs time to think. i also think he is thinking in a couple years he will only have one child left at home and a lot less complications. he apologized for the position he put us in but said it is something he just has to do.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Wow. That does sound like there are a lot of stressful things going on in his life. It can be difficult for anyone to give advice not knowing what it is like first hand, but the best thing I can say is that I think it might be best to give him his space and live your life. It might be hard to not pick up the phone and call him, but you should try to restrain yourself from contact with him. He may realize that it wasn't the best decision and talk to you about it. If things do work out, you two should really talk about how to make things work out better between your families. Sounds like the kids need some better role models in their lives.

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    • we are remaining friends, but limiting our contact to finish our "dance class" one hour each Friday for the next three weeks - not a date, he made it clear he does not want to confuse me, that right now we need to be just friends. he sends a text about once a week. his oldest is coming home on leave tomorrow and staying for 3 weeks, so i don't expect to hear from him then. they will be enjoying time as a family w/o having to please a girlfriend. i will give him time and work on myself, but i do wish he will rethink things after the stress is alleviated; but who knows how long that will take. he is a good man, but this is also his biggest fault- he is a person that tries to please everyone and when he can't he gets frustrated. he needs to put his ex in her place which is outside of his relationship, but i fear he won't do that and will risk his own happiness because of it.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Your Title: yes, of course that's what they do... even say he beat her sometimes - UGH

    Me? He just got downgraded to penpal until he gets at least 3 kids out of the house, into college/army/whatever.
    Even then I'm afraid some will come back w/kids as a single parent, no/little job.

    You'll be seeing this ex for the rest of you/her life at many events... not good

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    • i believe it will be better as the kids leave also; and i realize they will come back, but at that point it would be easier because we would be living together and they would understand that i was a permanent fixture whether they liked me or not; and honestly they don't hate me as she says; they just know its easier when its mom and dad and them and they don't have to schedule around or consider anyone else's feelings. the more they are around his ex the more i feel the coldness. if her and i could just get on the same page, make some compromises, set some rules and or boundaries and just respect each other things could work and i'm willing to work at it. but it takes more than just me willing to work at it.

    • OK, you fully understand the kids but still need to grasp... the ex will always return to spoil the day.. of the new baby, wedding, other major kid events to come

What Girls Said 2

  • Just give him the space and time that he needs to work out his family problems. If he misses you, he will find a solution to have you with him again.

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  • Well this makes me think of a family that I know but the diff is it the father and the kids who are horrible people.

    But all you can really do is give it space if you push for time it may push the guy away. But I wouldn't hold out for anything you gotta keep moving. I understand how you feel. But it best to see it as if now that it over because nothing is guarantee in life. He may be overwhelmed and not go back since people change their minds. It best to see it as it over keep busy meet diff people. Plus it way to much drama to have and you shouldn't put your self tho it.
    But just let go. Even tho I know it may be hard but it best for now then wondering if it get fix or when hell come around.

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