Men, would no contact after a break up make you think about your ex more?

What would you think if you had a break up and then your ex didn't contact you?
Lets say you were unsure of the relationship and it was just given up on, but you still love them.
If you were insecure would you move on thinking they wern't interested anymore.

My boyfriend needed time to think, wasn't 100%, didn't know if we worked anymore or what the right thing to do was.
I told him I couldn't keep hanging around, he said well that's that then. So I stoped contacting him.
He kept finding a reason to message me then came to drop my stuff off.
He couldn't admit that he had told lies to his friends that were really hurtfull, he then found excuses for them. He said sorry for treating me badly. Again he said he didn't know if we worked.
I told him I didn't know if I could be with someone who doesn't care for others and lies even to their freinds. I told him he has to stop or he will end up alone and told him he was a nasty peice of work.

We had a pretty rough two months and neither of us went the right way about much.
He couldn't look at me and when he did he looked so sad and upset. He held his head in his hand.

I found out he is insecure about being hurt and abandoned. He had a rough childhood and his mother walked out on the family. To stop being hurt again he pushes others away and becomes nasty.

I really would like to try again. There is so much to salvage and we didn't try very hard to fix our problems. Just got angry with each other.

Should I continue to not talk to him, or how long should I leave it?
As he is an insecure person I don't know which way is best.
I have some of his things and he wanted a CD of our holiday photos.
He has taken me off his friends list on facebook.
Updates:
Thank you for all your advice and opinions so far. I will leave it two wekks, like people are saying he is insecure and it's cruel to act like I don't care. For the record he hasn't contacted me either.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Utterly and completely. However , In you case?

    The reality of it is, he may have existing trust issues, abandonment issues, self-esteem issues. And sure you want to reconcile with him, tackle the downs and share the ups with him, and be a person he can trust and relay. But, unfortunately, his seemingly ambivalence about reconciling with you may or may not be a consequence of his personal issues.

    And considering the fact that he genuinely cares about you, it's of little surprise that he seemed distraught and miserable when he looked at you. He is attached emotionally, and he misses you. Yet, again, that may or may not be an indication of how he feels about a reconciliation.

    Despite popular belief, being distant or going no contact with you former after a breakup can actually perpetuate the process and increase the difficulty to overcome it, especially if the friendship between the exes were as significant as the romantic relationship.

    With that being said, communicating with him may not be a bad idea, even if on a limited basis. Given his history, the impact of the breakup may carry significantly more weight with him. Perhaps a series of one-on-one, honest, in-depth dialogues about the relationship, each other's expectations and wants and needs are in order.

    Contact the guy.

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    • Such wise words. You have really struck a chord actually. I so want him to be happy and have healthy relationships. He even pushes his family who took him after he left home and went on self destructive path. His dad was awful to him. He got out as soon as he could. I am ditraught because he needs to face up to the fact that he does this to the people who care about him and love him the most. The people with the most loyalty and care for him. He keeps in contact with so many people. Who knows if he lies to all of them or not. But in the whole time I have known him, I have never had the sense that he really values any one in specific as a real friend. He seems to flit from person to person with little substance or real relationship building. Even if things don't work out for us. I desperatly him to realise fabricating stories trying to seem big or gain respect and admiration won't help him. I worry for his future and prospects of him having real relationships with anyone.

    • The lies I know he said to people don't even do him favours, they make him come accross as having a lack of respect for others and cruel. The sad thing is, as he forgets what he has said or real events, he says one thing then the story changes. So the so called friend even knows he is lying. I think it gives him a sense of being in control of the situation so he is always in control. He didn't seem to grasp that it wasn't that I was hurt with the things he said alone, it was the fact he was lying to people. And then trying to make up excuses for why he did it. First it was becuase he was angry, then he wasn't lying, then it was he had forgotten or remembered things wrong. Even with proof he couldn't just say yes I lied. I think he may just make trails of stories to fit any given situation then forget what he has said. He also remembers events wrong to reinforce the stories he is telling. I have no idea if he knows it or not. Terrible mental state to have.

    • I understand. I have relative who lost his mother at a very young age. He is functions in relationships similar to that of your ex, which makes behavioral pattern recognition overt to me in such cases. Similar to your ex, he is nomadic, insecure, dysfunctional in his personal relations, and betrays the people who care about him. Basically your entire characterization of your ex fits my relative. Nonetheless, I think the best thing to do here is to set boundaries with him and stand by them, and suggest that he seek therapy. It's possible the pain he has endured has desensitized him and perhaps caused him to be un-empathetic towards others.

      In regards to his embellishments of himself. He simply needs validation. He needs to feel appreciated and cared for, which nurturing from his mother would have provided. Be patient with him and, again, suggest that he seek therapy. Undoing the emotional damage will be gradual, very trying, and perhaps stagnant at times.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Give him some time to take This time to have his space, do some serious soul searching. It's what he Needs right now. He's like this lost lamb with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and since things became Very sour, he has Now even taken you off of Facebook.
    If you don't hear anything within the next few weeks, text him Then a "Hi, how are you?" Tell him you have these belongings of his and you would like to know what he would like to do with these? He is also most likely feeling 'shot down' as well from what you Knew you had to say and do.
    I think it's too soon to really Know what the outcome of this 'breakup' will be, being he is feeling this way, and even if you were to reunite tomorrow, Both of you would have a lot of nursing and nurturing to do to make it work.
    And in the end, if you do just become friends, then This is what old Mother Nature would have intended for you to sow with the seeds to then reap.
    Good luck.xx

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 19

  • Some things in life, even if they seem simple and normal to outsiders, can turn into a hell on earth. Unfortunately, one of the most beautiful experiences a person can have, love, can *be* that hell. When the time comes, you have to be strong enough to walk through it, maybe greet the devil himself, and get out the back door.

    In plain English, whatever you choose to do, is going to sting. Really bad. If you choose to walk away, there is distance and time involved, and you have to be disciplined because every time you submit to your true feelings, you are starting at zero. Been there, done that. If, on the other hand, and what I would suggest as a naive 22 year old who still believes in real love, you decide to stay, you have to be willing to forget the word 'dignity' if need be. When you have real feelings for a person, nothing should step in the way, especially when you know they have huge personality issues. If you have to sacrifice some of your ego on the way, then so be it - just take care not to sacrifice your soul, people have literally lost their minds after relationships. Remember, this is for the greater good and if this works out, you will never regret it.

    I sincerely admire you for this sentence:

    "I really would like to try again. There is so much to salvage and we didn't try very hard to fix our problems. Just got angry with each other."

    Our world needs people like you. Not throwing away valuable things that easily. You are a fighter and if you get armed with honesty, you will be able to get through to him. That means you shouldn't always be too gentle, but do whatever you do with understanding.

    Good luck.

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    • Thank you. Your right it's worth at least doing something. definitely prepared to sacrifice for him. But there is no way I would lose my head again. I am very stong and always bounce back stronger still.
      And hey, there is real love! You can have real love for sure. Just don't be fooled by thinking there is the 'one' there are 1000s of 'ones' in the world! It's just if your lucky to meet one out of those 1000s. Relationships don't just fall in your lap and stay perfect as you met the 'one' or your 'soul mate'. It's hard work and loving someone faults and all. Being prepared to work. I got so beaten down with everything I lost some patience, same goes for him. Thank you. You have a good head on your shoulders.

  • I know I'm going to probably sound like a broken record right now but it sounds like this guy needs a lot of help that you can't give him. So I would recommend you giving his space but let him know that you still care and that you will always be there for him as friend. I would even help find a good strink to help work out his problems with. Then maybe after a couple years and he's made peace with his past demons and if your both still single then I would try go for it try again at relationship

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    • Your right, he needs to admit to himself first before he can work on things.
      His job has the right sort of people he can talk to although even then his kind of career there is a lot of stigma with this sort of thing. But yes he does need to talk to someone.
      I spoke to a member of his family who is there for him. He does the same to her, with switching from one character to another. But at least I can fully trust them to not say a word to him but look out for him. Thank you

    • Any time thats what I like doing helping people when I can

  • 1. It's only human to want to get back / talk to the person we've broken up with
    2. But if you've broken up after a good thought on situations and observations, it's best to keep it that way
    3. It's a great thing to be in touch with an ex
    4. But if either of them is the insecure, jealous, possessive, over emotional etc types, contacting each other is a bad idea
    5. It is generally people like those described in point 4 who initiate the contact :)

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    • No we didn't break after after good thought about it. We both didn't do enough to get through the problems. We were both at fault. I think he wanted to try again, but I told him I couldn't deal with the lies. That was before I tried to understand it more.

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    • thank you

    • The pleasure's always mine young lady :)

  • being in a relationship where u ll always be sad it would be pretty much worthless bcz by staying in dis stuff nd wid tht guy ll make u feel some what bad about urself and waiting for him is upto you but even if he comes back to u , there are chances of happening the same and it is said every thing happens for some reason nd that reason might make you happy and so better is lets go wid the flow... one day surely a miracle ll happen jus wait for the right moment...

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  • Usually the first week of no-contact is the hardest because you're used to being around and talking to that person so it's a change it your life that is very clear, but as time moves on >week your brain begins to adjust to the new pattern of not talking to this person anymore and you'll eventually start thinking about them less. From how I see it there is 3 general options you can take but they all have their pros and cons. (1) If you want to stay away and take a break I would suggest to just stick it out and don't contact him (block him if you have to so you're not tempted to reply if you get a message from him). (2) If you still like him and feel like things could work out again I would message him and tell him how you feel and that you still have feelings for him but mention the problems that broke the relationship in the first place so they don't arise again. (3) Message him and tell him you just want to be friends and that you'll be there for him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk to and show that he is a special person, when people are stressed out or depressed they tend to think negatively. But don't make any flirtatious moves or take any from him if you guys hangout (as friends) because all the feelings from before will come back and you will find yourself in the same place you started. Hope I helped :)

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  • if you think it is salvagable. Defnitely try again. Having been at the other end of no contact. It IS Terrifyingly painful. Trust me. Although it has been 3 years, and 80% of the hurt is gone. That 20% is still there and it is daily. I've found it very hard to trust any new relationships.

    I don't care what the culture says on this matter about no contact... it's wrong. it's a very selfish and rude thing to do. please try again. if he's still insecure... or becomes stalker ish then end it. but be very clear on ending it and why. If he becomes nasty if you talk to him. Don't be nasty back, be firm and tell him to stop or else nothing will be worked out and you will just walk away.

    If he's unsure, give him a few days and let him know you are there and that he can reach out. If he doesn't then too bad. I hope you do the right thing.

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    • We haven't spoken since he dropped my stuff off. He defreinded me on Facebook strait away. Neither of us have contacted the other so I'm not ignoring him. I'm not doing it to be malicious. It's to give him time to think about things. I will perhaps leave it at the two week mark and send him our holiday photos through e-mail and say a quick hello. He already asked for the photos a little while back before this ws so final. In all honesty if I told you all the cruel things he has done and said to me you would probably tell me to not talk to him lol!! I have just had time to understand, although if he doesn't make an effort to admit he changes events in his head and had lied he has no hope. He has similar traits to people with narcisism. But on his part he doesn't mean to and I truly believe he knows to an extent and doesn't want or mean to do it.

  • I had to block my ex from EVERYTHING to make her stop talking to me. It's a long story of why we have broken up but in the end she emotionally cheated on me.

    It kinda makes me think of her more but i got over her faster than i thought by doing so.

    in your position don't contact him

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  • At first I didn't think about my ex at all - though we rarely talked. Now we talk about once a week, and I am kind of obsessing about her. Everyone is different though - your experience will be different.

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  • Yes it would, I would be thinking about you. But if you want to try then don't play games. Tell him how you feel. He may end up just walking away from you if you don't contact him.

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  • No. Out of sight, out of mind. Anyone with confidence who knows that they can get another won't look longingly at someone who is ignoring them. They aren't going to strain themselves to make effort getting someone who doesn't appear to want them anymore—unless they're a masochist. The whole make him chase you is so illogical and counterfactual that I can't believe so many people still believe it.

    The truth is that, for whatever reason, he doesn't like you anymore (and he sounds seriously damaged anyway, although most of that is hearsay or your perceptions, which could be wrong or deriving from an attempt to protect your own ego). Either way, although there are the rare exceptions, any time you hear "I need time to think; I'm not sure if we work anymore or I'm not sure what the right thing to do is," then what you're actually listening to isn't the truth, but an attempt to let you down gently.

    He took you off his friend's list. He's done.

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  • Yeah of course, it even would make the guy feel like getting back together with his ex.

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  • yeah, Not talking to her makes me think about her more

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  • Hell yea go look at my question

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    • Thank you, very constructive lol. At least you get to the point of your comment.

  • You should reach out, since you were the one that pulled away.

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  • You don't miss something that you already have, until you don't anymore

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  • No contact makes me think of the girl less. It sounds more like he isn't ready for a relationship to me. He has too many issues he needs to deal with.

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  • If you want a relationship with him you can try to talk to him, and be gentle loving and submissive.

    Otherwise leave him alone, it is over.

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  • Out of sight, out of mind is what going no contact is designed to do and it works. I have a few ex's and I never kept in contact when we split and I found it a major help in moving on.

    Do I think about those ex's? Sometimes I do, but all in all I would advise all men to move on from their ex's and get rid of any excess baggage which could cause problems when a new relationship arises.

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    • I see, well I can understand what your saying. I spoke to a family member she said he has this behaviour when he gets close and is worried someone will leave him. So to avoid being hurt he tries to damage the relationship so he doesn't get hurt. He has tried to do it to members of his family who took him in when his mum left. So this isn't a normal break up.

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    • Thank you x

    • You have a fantastic attitude, it's really refreshing to read about how you don't need him but want to be with him. He's a fortunate man and I hope he is able to come to his senses soon and realizes that everyone abandons you eventually. Life is like a book, it's full of chapters and sometimes the characters who are there in the beginning aren't present in the middle and the end! It's part of the parcel of life, but I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you in the end.

What Girls Said 4

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  • Sounds to me like he is stubborn. Contact him to arrange to meeting, so there is no bad feelings... if all, there's no harm in a friendship with him, it will help him move on too; he still needs a connection with you, until he is ready to be able to move on. Once he is moved on... I guess you will hardly hear from him at all... and if you do... he'll know that he can count on you as a friend. In friendship there is no hurt... and the pain does heal.

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  • Girl, you are not the Crazy Whisperer. He's got problems! Problems way bigger than you. Now is not the time for him OR you to be in this farkakte relationship. Go to therapy. You want to love him? Go ahead, contact him. Tell him you're going to therapy and encourage him to go too! On his own. Because YOUR LOVE CAIN'T FIX HIM GIRL.

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  • Maybe you two have a couple of things that didn't sort out well, and in the case that you are the one who let go live with it you wouldn't let go if you had enough right? And if you're thinking about a second chance and if you really wanted to go talk to him and try sorting things out but i must warn you sometimes second chance doesn't work because its not the same anymore and more likely he will do what you did the last time. If the second chance doesn't work remember second chance is ENOUGH, you have done what you could possibly do to your relationship.

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